Holding Rare Flowers In Her Tomb
by Conscience-Artist
Summary: When James Sirius Potter's girlfriend and A Malfoy girl's boyfriend are killed by Death Eaters, they truly only have eachother but being a Potter and a Malfoy in love can't always be easy.  I suggest reading the hard times of one Rose Genevra Jean Weasley
1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

**JKR Runs this town, not me.**

**You may want to read my story "The Hard Times of One Rose Genevra Jean Weasley as there are people mentioned in this story that you don't know, it's not compulsory though.**

**Enjoy :)**

Holding rare flowers in her tomb

A James Potter and Lesath Malfoy Fic

James Sirius Potter taps his foot anxiously on the grass. His head snaps backwards and forwards between the gates of the graveyard and his watch.

She wasn't coming.

James shook his head and cursed himself for being irritated at her tardiness; she didn't have to come if she didn't want to.

He knew it was a stupid request to ask his girlfriend to go there; Rora didn't want to be stuck in a graveyard for an hour as James paid his respects to Kaya and Quentin.

Kaya killed in place of James, and Quentin killed in place of Lesath Malfoy.

James would have liked to bring Rora here, he wanted his girlfriend to meet the girl that died because of him; he wanted Rora to see the grave of a person he loved.

But at the same time he was relieved that she didn't turn up, because he was forever in doubt about this love.

He wondered how she could expect him to just forget about Kaya when he had told her how much she had meant to him.

And he wondered how she could expect him to just forget about Lesath when she was on the exact boat as he was. Constantly floating out to sea.

James ran his hands through his hair, and shook his hair out to rid it of rain water.

It was raining again, just like every time he went to visit Kaya. He laughed, but without humour, and even smiled at the fact that it was raining.

He knew Kaya would hate it.

And the leaves rustled and the rain kept falling but James Potter was adamant that he wouldn't move until he felt something.

_Truly_ felt something.

Not something physical, nothing landing on his shoulder or maybe a raindrop that fell from a curl on his head into his dry eyes. _Why don't I fucking feel anything?_ He thought.

No, he wanted to feel sorrow or maybe closure. He came here often yet he didn't feel anything as he stared at their headstones. And the guilt ate away at him every time.

James stared at the headstone and couldn't get rid of the dull nagging telling him that he was being watched. _As if someone would come out in this stupid weather._

Thunder crashed and it made him aware that maybe it was a bit too wet to be outside, but he couldn't find a reason to actually care.

He took a step closer to the headstone and touched it.

He had loved Kaya, how could you not love someone who spoke gold and whispered sun? A person who would dance in the rain and sleep in the summer?

How could you not love someone who gave all of herself to you, just to keep you distracted? _She shouldn't have had to distract you; you should have loved her just as much back!_ He argued with himself.

And even then all he could see was her smile, the way she laughed and spoke with her hands. An animated story teller and a great explainer, this is everything Kaya was, and now she was gone.

And when James was mad, she'd be more than willing to help him through it, genuinely asking what she should do and then she'd give her opinion, always there for advice.

_How could I have been so fucking stupid!_ He thought and smacked his fist against her headstone. He wanted to collapse, collapse on top of her for being a poor excuse for a wizard, a weak example of a man. _W__hy can't I be more like my father?_

Lesath Aubrey Malfoy's heart was beating so fast when she found him.

_Rora just doesn't understand him, _she thought.

Lesath wanted to run up to him but kept hiding behind a willow tree that would surely touch the sky. She couldn't find where the raindrops started or her tears ended, and she cursed herself for feeling this way.

She hadn't visited Quentin yet, but with him lying next to Kaya she wasn't sure she could.

_But__ if James could, I could! _She thought, but she knew she was weak.

She'd only ever been this close to the graveyard, never stepping foot in but always standing outside, and even when they had gone to bury the two teenagers, she didn't enter. Quentin was her boyfriend, and he was dead because of her, but she couldn't bring herself to do it.

_It just shows how dedicated I was to Quentin_, she thought, and it brought her down lower.

And Lesath knew that if she couldn't have the one she wanted she'd do without the best, people were dull and everyone was horribly mediocre in her eyes until she met that one who stood out from the crowd.

And Quentin had charmed her, had showed her that a life didn't have to be lived through sparkly eyes and painted lips. You didn't have to be dressed to the nines to be a class above.

In a way he reminded her of the one who _was_ the best, but she couldn't forget that it wasn't him.

And the one she did want saw past her name and past her looks, he looked past her problems and past the way she was never pleased. He showed her that money wasn't everything and having everything didn't mean money.

He showed her how to mess her hair and to wear baggy clothes, told her that the more clothes you wear meant more people would see you for who you truly were.

He'd smudge her make-up and take her running in the rain.

And he'd tell her that they couldn't last because he was like fire and she was like ice and they would never coexist.

_Why didn't I fucking change for him?_ But she had to banish that thought; she knew he'd hate her if she changed.

And she'd never forget that he told her he was with Kaya and he was happy.

But Quentin taught her the same things as James, why didn't they hold the same light?

Lesath stared at Quentin's headstone from a distance, battling with herself and wondering whether or not she should turn away, or if she should stay.

For a brief moment she had thought about what would have happened if the Death Eater had actually killed James and herself.

That was their intention, to kill the son of the-boy-who-lived and the granddaughter of the people who had betrayed the Dark Lord.

Lesath stared at James' back and wondered why Rora wasn't with him on a day like this; surely he would have wanted to bare the grunt with him?

No, Lesath knew that Rora just wouldn't understand what James was going through.

The thought of Rora understanding was silly.

Because Lesath knew full well that James' girlfriend's face would have contorted with frustration when James had told her that he was going to visit, she knew that Rora wouldn't have wanted him to go all the way out to the country just to visit a pile of dirt and dust.

James turned around when he heard a shuffling in the grass. There was a person there, not the person he wanted, but it wasn't someone he _didn't_ want to see.

Oh and how much he wanted to see this one.

His heart starting beating faster when he realized it was Lesath, knowing that she had the same urges as him to come out here made him happy.

He didn't want it to but it did and it was something he just couldn't ignore.

Raindrops rolled down his forehead and into his eyes, stinging them and making him shiver, but he wasn't sure if it was from the cold or the uneasy feeling he was getting from seeing Lesath.

He just shrugged as they made eye contact. James didn't fully know what to do or what to expect, yet he was curious as to why she was there, since she had never gone to visit Quentin.

He was curious as to why she was there while he was there. Mere coincidence or fully fledged fate?

He took in what she was wearing: a summer dress, bright yellow with her hair out.

How odd for this time of year, and in this weather.

James smiled to himself. How earthy she looked with a dress all wet, how vulnerable was she when her usually perfect hair tied up was let loose and flowing while drowning in the rain.

This wasn't the usual brave and hard Lesath Aubrey Malfoy, this was a timid girl.

And James couldn't help but what to protect her.

He turned around fully and started towards her, zipping up his jacket the rest of the way and putting his hands in his pockets. He didn't bother to brush his hair out of his eyes, and it was almost as though he resisted the urge to just so he could have something to keep his eyes out of her gaze.

She shivered as he drew closer and he wanted to keep that type of reaction away; he didn't want her to be cold. He didn't want her to be shivering because of him.

They stood mere centimetres away from each other, and he cringed as she bit her lower lip. It was always something he disliked about her, her fidgety habits as though she always needed to be busy doing something, the way she always wiggled her thumb just to hear the cracking noise, the way she sucked her lips in to hear the popping noise and the way she always raised an eyebrow as if never impressed.

But right now it was just the biting of the lower lip that was getting to him.

After what seemed like an hour worth of rain and an hour worth of staring stupidly at the girl, James decided to speak.

"You came?" he asked.

As soon as he spoke he knew she'd say something to shrug the visit off, as though she didn't care. He knew her better than he lead on and he knew full well that she truly cared.

"Well, I saw Rora, she said you were coming to visit so I thought I better too." And she looked past him as if trying to see something.

He shook his head and sighed. "Bull. I know you've been wanting to come and see him too Lesath, you don't have to lie."

Her face screwed up and he waited for her to fight back. She opened her mouth and James waited for the fighting to come, but it didn't. She closed her mouth and sighed in defeat.

"Show me," was all she said. And he grabbed her hand gently and led the way.

James watched Lesath as she stared at the headstone of what used to be her boyfriend.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

She hadn't spoken since he had showed her. She hadn't moved, and the dress was turning more and more transparent with the downfall. Rain clung to her body and he couldn't help but feel uneasy with it all. Lesath was always more than proud of her appearance, why the change?

"I'm fine," she murmured but he knew she was lying.

James wouldn't accept this answer. "Look at yourself Lee, you're not fine!" he said, his voice cracking with each word.

Lesath nodded, she knew she wasn't fine. Everything about this made her not fine.

She couldn't handle this, it was like having everything bad catch up with you in one go. "Where is she? Rora? Where is she? She didn't want to come, James? She didn't want you to come here either? What? She doesn't understand that this is important?" But the look on James' face told her that she had to be quiet.

His face screwed up and Lesath instantly regretted saying all those things. James was harsh when he was angry, she didn't want to be part of it but it was far too late. "Don't you fucking talk about her like that! You have the fucking cheek to say things like that, Lesath! Especially since it's taken you nearly two years for you to come and fucking visit these two. Your _boyfriend,_ Lesath, that's what he was!" he hissed and with every word came a crack and a pain in her chest.

Lesath cringed and decided to speak up. She was sick of trying to hide her feelings; she was sick of everyone assuming she was too evil to care, too blunt to have a heart, too jagged to have honestly need or want someone. "I know he was, James!" Was all she could say.

His eyes glazed over and they dripped disappointment. "Then why didn't you fucking come and see him?"

Her fists clenched and it felt as though all of her blood was rushing straight to her head. It didn't take her long to snap back. "Why? Because Quentin deserved more than that! I didn't want him to have to suffer through my visits when he knew full well that what we had wasn't totally real. He knew that he wasn't what I wanted yet he died in my place, James! He fucking deserves more than that!" she spat.

James looked at her with confusion. It wasn't registering in his mind; he couldn't work out exactly what her words meant. "You can't talk like that about him like that, Lee! It's wrong."

Lesath laughed, his words were ridiculous; he had no idea about what was right and wrong. "No, James, what's wrong is coming here faithfully every time you remember Kaya. And coming here when you feel guilty about things. Coming here when you know you're in love—and always have been in love—with someone else is wrong. Quentin and Kaya were great people, how could we treat them like that?"

And James opened and closed his mouth, speechless. Lesath knew that she was right.

"I did love her, you know," he muttered.

She nodded. "And I loved him too."

He sighed and shook his head out again, she didn't know if it was to do with the rain or his thoughts. "Are we bad people, Lesath?"

And she nodded, because she couldn't help but think they were. "We used two people to try and fill a spot, I think that's bad."

She felt her tears sting her eyes. _When would the crying end?_ Before she had time to wipe them away a familiar pair of arms circled her waist, and she knew no matter how hard she tried, or how much she fought with herself and him, she wouldn't be able to stop his arms from travelling around her or his chin resting on her shoulder. She didn't have the strength to stop inhaling his scent or her nails from running down his back.

She just wasn't that strong.

His lips threatened to do less than appropriate things after they skimmed her shoulder lightly.

"What about Rora?" she whispered.

James' grip grew tighter on her waist and he stopped the inappropriate ministrations on her soft, pale, bare skin.

"I should stop this because I love her."

Lesath smiled to herself. "But she's not me, is she?"

James' lower lip ran over a raindrop on her shoulder. "No she's not, but she's better for me."

Lesath pushed him back and buried her face in the crook of his neck, his stubble grazing her forehead and she pressed her lips against him. So much familiarity that it was like returning home.

"Where did we go wrong?" she begged.

James squeezed his eyes shut as he gave in to Lesath's soft kisses. "When you forgot that Malfoys could be good and I forgot that Potters weren't always strong."

She sighed against him and pulled away to look into his hazel eyes. "I think it was when what we truly are began to come out."

He lifted one eyebrow and looked at her. "Like what?"

She didn't have to think hard to know. "The way you turn ugly when someone questions you, the way you don't like people to compare you to your dad, the way you are possessive, especially when it came to me, the way you're scared of people judging you, the way you don't like being too far from me. There are a lot of things," she explained.

He nodded, not wanting to believe anything, but knowing that it was the truth.

"But me, I don't like to listen to others, I don't like to think that anyone knows better, I don't like it when people try to relate to me and understand me, I don't like it when you're angry about things that are stupid, and I don't like you having to leave my side. We're both just too much to be together," she concluded.

James sighed and stared straight at the silver eyed girl. "It's like adding a bomb to an explosion, it's just too much."

Lesath grabbed both of James' hands. "It is."

He didn't want it to be like this. If he could he'd go back in time and do it all again. So many things he'd change, so many things for the better. "Do you think…" but he shook his head and his train of thought out. "No, I love Rora."

"I know you do," Lesath murmured.

James didn't want Lesath to leave though, he wanted her to stay. He never wanted her gone. "Maybe, one day, when things don't turn out right or we're both somewhere lost, we can try."

Lesath smiled at him. "Definitely."

And she pressed her lips to his and turned around to leave.

James' mind will forever be etched with the memory of the girl walking barefooted, dressed in a yellow sundress when it was raining on a cold spring's day, knowing that even years after the War, it continued to leave scars.

**(A/N) Sooo...**

**To all my faithful "The Hard Times" readers, this is for you :) I hoped you enjoyed it, it was my first attempt at Angsty and it was harrrrd! :/**

**Not to worry, i'll be uploading my light hearted and hopefully funny Dom and Tori one shot ;) yusss.**

**Please review lovelies!**

**-Cara.**


	2. Chapter Two

**Author's Note: I dont own HP**

_It could all be so simple but you'd rather make it hard_

What exactly do you call this time of this day? It's Christmas Day, but it's the night. Christmas Day Night? Oh merlin, I wasn't made for this type of trivia. I'll just be happy with the fact that this is the night, we're in a pub and it's jolly because it's Christmas.

"Give me that!" I snap as I pluck the thin cigarette from Tori's hand and shove it roughly to my lips. She temporarily looks at me first shocked, then annoyed but I know it doesn't matter.

Visions of Dominique Weasley's long legs pried apart keep cousin dearests sly remarks from taking a stab at me and my newly claimed smoke. And fuck, I know I need it more than her.

I take a deep inhale of the smoke—coughing a bit—how brother Scorpius managed to keep up this habit I didn't know, but it wasn't as great as he made it out to be. Idiot.

Right now I'd been in this manky pub all of twenty minutes and I was already trying to avoid peoples gaze, well, one gaze in particular but I didn't have to look at those eyes to know exactly what colour they were. But instead of looking at them just to make sure I'm right, and Merlin, I'm never wrong. I set my eyes on the two females in front of me.

If they sat any closer they'd be doing it right in front of me and I'm open to experimentation but this just was _not_ on!

Being a Malfoy, and yes, I was one to the core, one of my favourite past times is to dissect the nearest persons dress sense into pieces. I was also part Greengrass so that was enough to tell you that I am one for high standard fashion. Dressing down was nothing short of murder in my books and oh the amount of people that should be dead right now.

I look at Dominique Weasley, her blonde hair was darker than mine and shorter ending at the bottom of her shoulder blades, her leather jacket was adorned with many zips and pockets and her ripped t-shirt underneath showed just the right amount of cleavage. Her jeans were acid wash—my personal favourite—and were tighter than her skin. She had done herself up well.

She did match the pub, I give her that and if she wanted to take that as a compliment she was more than welcome.

I assess the person who laughed at Tori's joke, my cousin wasn't funny. Not at all, but she was good fun. I did like to have a good time with her, and I was until something came up and destroyed all chances of me having a good time. Now due to that person's laughter, I have to assess them.

I guess I had to start with the denim. It was a light sand wash which looked funny against red Chuck Taylor's.

Red Chuck Taylor's being my favourite. That person knew that.

Maybe it was the blatant advertising on his Chudley Cannons T-shirt that was more annoying. Why would you wear the t-shirt of your own team? Maybe he wanted me to do another report on the team for the Daily Prophet? That wasn't going to happen. I'd done two brilliant pieces on that stupid team and not one single form of thanks.

The sooner I found out about the Ballycastle Bats, the sooner I would write about them and totally ditch the ungrateful bastards that are the cannons.

Or maybe it's the fact that this guy's leather jacket has a hood that's annoying. If there's anything I love it's hoods. It's possibly one of the only things my precious baby brother and I actually agree on, that hoods are the best thing to be invented.

We'd disagree on the reasons why they're so great though. I like them because they keep me warm and cosy. That's why I like hoods.

And right now this guy has the cheek to own a leather hooded jacket.

I make my way up painfully to his face and he's growing a beard now. How strange, he was never one for beards, saying that his father hated beards. _"Dad says that if you grow a beard you're running short on time. And when he says he's running short on time, he means REALLY running short on time. Like caput, dead!"_ Well of course that's how the boy-who-lived thinks.

He was like a ticking time bomb.

But I don't give two fucks about him.

His jaw is still sharp and it looks permanently tensed or as though he's been listening to some bad news and his nose still looks too wide for his face. I always amaze myself with how easy I can make it sound that I don't like him.

It's his eyes though; it's definitely his eyes that get to me the most. Because they're so big and so round. It's the mediocre hazel colour that gets to me.

Lesath Aubrey Malfoy runs like some stupid sissy school girl when she sees those eyes.

Daddy Draco would laugh at me, mum would tell me I'm sweet and I'm in love, Grandfather would cackle and say something undecipherable and Grandmother would go on about how I should follow my heart. All because of those eyes.

James Sirius Potter continues to ignore me and laugh alongside his cousin at my stupid cousin's jokes and I haven't even finished this stupid cigarette yet. How much longer was he going to sit there and act as though he can't see me? Will it be weird when he realizes that I'm in fact here? Will he turn around and say, "Oh Lesath, I didn't see you there!" because I'm sitting exactly one-and-a-half metres away from him. He can't miss me.

If he pretended that he couldn't see me then I'd be forced to shave my own head because _that_ would annoy me to no end.

His eyes flutter in my direction and snap back, I'm not exactly sure what he was trying to do. I'm trying not to give a fuck either but now I find myself thinking of things he could possibly have been trying to do.

This is great.

The first round of firewhiskey's come around and I don't want them, I know, very strange for a Malfoy but not for _this_ Malfoy who's too caught up in _that_ Potter to truly care about alcohol at this moment. Ask me in an hour's time and my attitude may have changed.

Snogging commences between my cousin and his cousin and I see James isn't comfortable with it now fully turning to face me. "You want to come?" he asks and he jerks his head towards the door.

Of course I do you moron! "Ok," I say with a shrug. Acting calm in unfriendly situations is what I've learnt from my father but I doubt he'd class this as an _unfriendly situation_, well we haven't all found company in the Dark Lord have we.

James smiles and lifts the hood over his head, walking out without saying anything else.

I tap Tori on the shoulder and point towards the door, she smirks and I smirk back, probably better than hers, and I follow after James Potter, awaiting my disappointment that's probably waiting for me outside.

I get outside and he's just standing there. Back towards me, looking as dramatic as ever. James Potter was awesome when it came to drama, one person who could beat him though was me, I was far more dramatic than anything he could conjure. I'm sure he hadn't forgotten that about me.

I try and hike down the stairs in my leather high-heeled boots, stupid decision to wear these in this stupid snowy weather but I was too caught up in the _"Looking Hot"_ factor rather than the _"It's snowing"_ thing. It seems to me that my life is filled with a bunch of bad decisions.

I scuttle towards James and then in front of him and notice he's not following. I roll my eyes and look back at him. "Are you coming? You are the bloody one who invited _me_ out here," I say as I reach into my bag and pull out a red scarf.

He nods and he follows after me in some weird type of walk going on due to his hands being so deep in his pockets and his chin trying to attach itself to his chest. He must be rather cold if he has to resort to such a weird way of walking. "I'm coming, I'm coming. Hold on. Hmmm, red scarf. How very Gryffindor of you," he says teasingly.

I snort; I did not pick this scarf because of Gryffindor. Even if I did maybe buy it at one stage because of that reason but still. "I bought it because it matches my lipstick," I say and I point to my lips. See, buying something because it matched the colour of my lips was very Slytherin of me. And I was a Slytherin through and through.

He nods. "Well, I've never seen you without the red lipstick. It's nice on you though, the red—Erm, scarf—yeah."

"So, what have you been doing?" I ask rather loudly as if trying to speak over James' awkwardness, he knows he just paid me a compliment—even if it was extremely weak—and now he's trailing along beside me looking at the ground as though he's never seen the snow. Why we always end up like this, I'll never know. As if we're strangers. For merlin's sakes we used to be fucking best friends. Where the hell did it go wrong? "Playing Quidditch I guess?" and I laugh.

What an idiot, I laugh at suggesting that he's been playing Quidditch. Of course he's been fucking playing Quidditch. That's his job!

I kick myself internally as I await his answer and all I can think about is how we used to be best friends.

Best friends.

_James stood in front of me while I was eating my breakfast; he had the nerve to come to the Slytherin table like this. But James Potter always had a lot of that. Nerve that is._

"_Yoohoo! Lee," he said while waving his hands in front of me._

_I looked up and glared. Why he insisted on being a prat was far beyond me. That was embedded in his very soul. "What?" I snap at him._

_He put his finger to his mouth. "Follow me."_

_Because I was a fool for James, I pushed myself out of the seat. After knowing this guy for almost three years you'd think I would have learnt my lesson when James Potter says "_Follow me"_ but sometimes I like to think that I haven't learnt, just so I can follow him._

_And Merlin did he make me follow him, I followed him all the way outside and to behind a tree. I get the feeling that I would have had to keep following him if I didn't slam him against said tree and stared. "Where are we going? You better not get me in trouble, I want to make it to the end of my third year thank you," I snap at him._

_He just grins. "Well, today we're not going to class. We're going to sit at the lake!" he said._

_I roll my eyes. "And why should I come with you?"_

"_Because I'm heartbroken? And you're my best friend…. I have ice-cream?" and he pulled out a huge tub from his bag._

_I shook my head. Even if I didn't want to go I would still go because James had a point. "Why are you heartbroken?"_

"_Kaya won't go out with me," he says with a pout worthy of the cutest fluffiest thing you could find._

_I roll my eyes. "She's playing hard to get, you'll get her soon enough."_

_We make it to the lake and hack into the ice-cream like we've never seen the stuff before and I imagine that this is what I'd like to spend every one of my days like. "Lee," he starts._

_I swallow a huge chunk of chocolate and I think I bruised my throat. "What?"_

"_Promise me you'll be the only girl that won't hurt me," he says and he smiles to show me the chocolate between his teeth. All class._

"_That's disgusting. Name one girl that's hurt you. I think you'll find that you're the git that sends them off crying," I say._

_He was the heartbreaker. "Freesia Longbottom?" he suggests._

"_Beep, wrong. Her dad said she couldn't have a boyfriend."_

_He nods. "Oh right," then he thinks again. "Bethany Thomas?"_

"_Beep, wrong. You said she was ugly and she heard." Merlin this boy was thick._

"_Ok, ok, Kaya?" he says._

_I roll my eyes. "She just hasn't said yes to your stupid and incessant nagging yet. Give her time."_

_James poked out his tongue and closed his eyes. "Nah, I'm happy with just you. You, me, a dog, a house, firewhiskey and ice-cream. That's all I need."_

_I snort. "Really, James? That's all you want in life?"_

_He nods. "Yes, because you're my best friend. What's better than spending your life with your best friend? It's one huge party!" and he leans in to kiss my cheek._

His views on what he wanted changed just like we did.

I'm brought back to reality when James speaks. "Yeah, I've been playing Quidditch. Spending time with Rora," he says. He doesn't add that he's been spending time with Rora's child though.

The little girl isn't his child though so I can see where that might get a little strange.

We round a corner and find a park bench to sit on. "Oh, a park bench!" I say like an idiot.

James laughs. "So it is!" he says sarcastically.

And I melt in the sound of his sarcasm. No, I don't have some weird fascination with sarcasm; it's just that I hadn't heard him use it in a long time. James used to be the most sarcastic person I knew.

I hurry towards it as though it's the most amazing thing I've ever seen, yes, I was trying to stall a bit, unsure of what to talk about with James, but before I know it his hand is on my arm. "Let's go, let's get out of here," he says and his eyes sparkle just a bit.

As though he's got some type of epiphany.

I shrug. "Sure," I say and I let him apparate me away.

I let the uneasy feeling of apparating wash through me and out of me and it takes a while before I realize where I am. "Muggle London? You brought me to Muggle London? James, you know how I feel about this fucking place!" I snap.

Just as I say that a bus swings right past me and almost hits me! James just chuckles and takes hold of my arm as he leads me across the street. "Yes, and this is exactly how you reacted last time."

Yes well last time was two years ago and I still don't like this place. "You're such a fucking git, you know that?"

He nods. "You've reminded me that many times a year since the first year I met you," he says quietly.

We walk into a park and it looks cold. Well it should look cold it is snowing, but the trees inside this park make it look colder. Maybe James knew this because he pulled me closer. "Look, Lee, another park bench!" he teases.

"Why'd we come here?" I ask.

James tenses but moves his hand down to mine and makes me follow behind him until we reach the park bench. He sits down and I hate his dramatic pause before he answers me. "Aunt Hermione used to bring me here when I was young, my parents never took me to Muggle London but she used to," he said as he put his arm around my shoulders.

I wanted to relax into him, truly, I did. In fact right now there wasn't anything I wanted more. But the whole him having a stupid girlfriend and she had a stupid—and pretty—daughter which I didn't like at all. It was that and the fact that we're not really friends anymore that stop me from snuggling up against him and keeping warm.

Maybe it wasn't even the warmth that I wanted; maybe I just wanted to feel like we were kids back at Hogwarts again.

"Now I know you didn't bring me here just because your Aunt used to," I say as I turn to look at him with one eyebrow raised.

He nodded as he looked at me and his hand shot up to wipe something from my face. "Eyelash. No, I didn't. I brought you here because Rora would kill me if she knew I was with you." He admitted.

Of course. He didn't want to die at the hands of Rora.

There was a time when he didn't want to die at the hands of me and I was merely his best friend.

"She doesn't know you're here?" I ask and I try to sound interested or slightly concerned but it mostly comes out like a squawk or maybe a hiss. Either way it just sounded evil. I guess that's not too far from my normal voice is it.

James laughs. "And let her think that Dominique is forcing galleons of liquor down my throat, no I don't think so. She thinks I'm at home with Rose and your brother. She thinks Scorpius invited me over for movie night," and he gives me a wink.

This gives me more satisfaction than I'd like to think. Knowing that her pain and his dishonesty towards her makes me feel more than good is bad. Oh so bad. But the bad side has always been more fun hasn't it? Oh yes it has.

"Trouble in paradise?" I say quietly knowing that this could explode in my precious face.

And it does. "Hey, it's not fucking like that Lee." And his grip goes tighter on my shoulder.

Well it sure as hell looks like it's like that to me! "Ok, I'm sorry," I mumble. I wasn't sorry.

"You meet anyone?" he asks and Merlin it makes me sound like I've been hiding under a rock for the past year or so.

But no, I hadn't met anyone because I've been too busy trying to build my life up and ignore the scraggly haired, mediocre eyed Potter boy next to me. I don't have time to go out and meet people when I'm wasting my time with thoughts about him. "Yeah, I have both the Scamander's on lockdown." And I cross my arms together to form an X for emphasise.

James laughs. "Wow, good luck with that one," he says.

Sitting here with him reminds me of how easy everything is when I'm with him. We were never ever a _Malfoy_ and a _Potter_, hell to be honest I refused to tell him my name until we hopped of the train in our first year; we spent that whole train ride nameless. I guess we both knew what it was like to live life and be judged because of our names, he got the good end of the stick though; I'm telling you.

And now we're sitting together and it's easy even if a bit rocky, but that's thanks to my own mouth and my need to try and bring down Rora Wyvern with every opportunity. It's not working though.

I didn't want to see him wasting away with her.

I didn't want to see him wasting away with anyone.

Not unless it was me.

How we tend to end up in these awkward little situations I'll never know. We always end up alone together somewhere away from everyone and at some stage one of us are going to confess something to the other and we'll both end up pissed off and throwing insults at one another.

I'm going to be doing the confessing, I know that.

Because right now I want to blurt my heart out all over him but I won't.

Not yet.

"Are you ok?" he asks me.

I snap my head to look at him and smile. Weakly might I add. "Of course I'm fine," I say in a high pitched not so convincing tone.

He laughs. "Sure. You want to go and get Coffee? Hot Chocolate? Tea? Something?" he asks.

I think through the list and I know there's something I'd prefer. "Ice-Cream?" I ask.

"Ice-Cream?" he says like he's not sure that I realize what I just said.

I nod. "Yeah, come on, I feel like some." Did I really? Or was I just reliving moments that I've shared with him? "Last time we came here we got ice-cream remember? You were trying to get me to stop crying from when that bird attacked me."

I just brought up one of the worst moments of my life for him, he better get me some damn ice-cream! "Oh yeah, I remember that! Haha! That was fucking funny!"

I snigger. "Yeah, hilarious."

But without warning he scoops me up in his arms and spins me around. "Ice-cream it is!" he cries and he sets me down and links my arm with his.

As we're walking we keep up steady natter and it's easier than breathing. It's not until the conversation starts leading down Rora Wyvern Road when it's becoming strained. "So she doesn't like to stay at my house. We haven't actually ever slept at each other's house but you I don't want to pressure her into anything—"

I cut him off because I truly didn't give two fucks about sleeping arrangements especially if they involved her. "James, I have to tell you something," I say.

Oh Merlin this was it.

When I have something stuck on my mind, sometimes I can't control it and it just comes out.

Like when someone is ugly, I tell them.

When someone is wearing something unflattering, I'll tell them.

When James Potter needs to be with me and not her, I'll tell him.

James smiles at me. "Yeah? What's up?"

We're on a secluded side street now and I didn't want to keep moving onto the main road in case this got messy so I tugged on his arm and got him to stop. He started frowning as if he were worried and I guess he had a reason to be. I did look like I was going to vomit all over his Red Chuck Taylor's and my hair is probably messed right now.

What if this isn't what he wants to hear? Wrong. This _isn't _what he wants to hear, it hasn't been what he wants to hear for a long, long time. Yes, I passed up the chance to tell him this years ago, back when it _was _something he wanted to hear. But it's not like that anymore because things change.

"You don't have to be with her," I say loudly. And then I whimper.

I whimper and I don't know why. It's something to do with laying my heart on the table and watching it get stabbed with James' eyes. He smirks. "Pardon?"

I gulp and open my mouth again. This time I won't be so loud. "Don't have to be with her," I mutter.

He coughs. "Sorry, I didn't catch that, Lee."

My eyes widen now because I know he's not fucking deaf! He can hear me loud and clear. "What?" and he looks annoyed, impatient, pissed off and I think even curious but I'm not too sure. He takes a step backwards and then two forwards again before shoving his hand in my face. "What the hell are you talking about Lesath?" he hisses.

I put my hands on my hips. One thing about James and I, we both fight dirty. "You know _exactly_ what I'm fucking talking about James!"

I was never the type of person to waste my time on nerves, but right now I am. And I'm sure it's safe to say that right now I'm the most nervous I've ever been. My ribcage is threatening to be ripped open and my heart will flop out because I don't know what to say to James.

I knew that I wanted to say something but exactly what that something was, I'm not too sure.

I was never made out for such things as love.

"I can't watch you walk around with her—" but he cuts me off this time.

"Nope, not listening, because you did that when I was with Kaya!" he said immaturely and he covered his ears with his hands and started humming.

I latched onto both his wrists and pulled, putting all my weight onto his wrists and merlin I pulled. "Listen to me! It's not her you are supposed to be with, it wasn't even Kaya! It was me."

"Shut up because I'm not listening!" he sighs.

I shake my head. "No, you went out with Kaya because I couldn't give you what you wanted and now you're with Rora because she's just like Kaya and you feel guilty! You feel guilty that Kaya is dead!" I snap.

But his hand shoots out and grabs hold of my wrists roughly. He twists it upwards and it hurts, but nothing hurts more than the look in his eye. "Let us get one thing straight Lesath. I do feel guilty that she's dead, you're right. But I don't feel any more guilty about her than you do about Quentin. Let's not forget that he's dead too. Let's not forget that I went out with Kaya because you couldn't return my feelings and you went out with Quentin in some weak attempt to make me jealous. Let's not forget that I gave up on you and now I'm with Rora. She's not Kaya's replacement. She's yours!" he says through his teeth.

And each word is like poison to a puncture.

He throws my hand down and I want to rub it better but I don't.

He looms over me and I want to cower in fear and slap him for intimidating me at the same time.

He'd given up on me? "Why did you give up on me?" I whisper.

He laughs without humour, something he'd picked up from me and he tugs at the bottom of his shirt. "Because since second year I'd told you that all I needed was you in my life. How many more hints do I need to give you? And then I feel in love, in fourth year. We were each other's first _everything_ but you kept brushing it off as just _"friends mucking around"_ I told you I loved you on the first day of our fourth year Lee, you didn't say shit back! So I thought you didn't want to be with me. You and I got involved with Kaya and Quentin and I thought that maybe it'd help you out. You know, help you grow a heart," and I grimaced at his last words. "Hey, we both said you never had one! But then they died, Lee, and it got harder. Because I loved you more then, and it's disgusting but true, I was happy that she died and you didn't. It would have killed me even more if it was you. And we were close again. Closer than ever. But every time we took a step forward you'd just shove us back. You thought I was using you for comfort after she died. I wasn't doing that, but then I knew that you weren't going to love me back unless you thought I was loving you. But you were too fucking stubborn and blind to see that I did. And that killed me. I had to give up on you."

I shook my head because it was too much to register. There was only so much I could hold in this pretty little head and it was already too much. I couldn't think. I loved him. I loved him so much but how could I think he loved me too when he had so many girls before he had Kaya and even after he had Kaya. All I was was his best friend who he could get drunk with and do stupid things with and not have to worry about owling the next day. Sure, he told me he loved me but I thought it was just as a friend.

"I love you," I mumble.

And he snorts and throws his hand up.

"I love you James," I say louder.

"Fucking hell," he says.

"Tell me what you want to hear James! Tell me," I say hoarsely. "Because I'm not sure what it is, I tell you that I love you after you tell me that those were the words I was lacking all that time ago and now you shun me, what do you want James?" I all but yell.

He shakes his head and closes his eyes. "You can't tell me that anymore, you're not allowed. I have Rora and I want her! I'm not giving her up. She's too nice for that!"

I snort. "She's nice? You walked over nice girls James, you walked right over them."

"You seriously need to shut up!" he snaps back.

He's losing the battle. I always win. "I love you!" I say.

He nods. "And I love you too Lesath but it's way too late, you've entered far too late. There's nothing we can do anymore!" he takes a deep breath. "You have a thing or two to learn about timing Lesath, if you've always loved me you would have told me ages ago. Now there's nothing I can do."

I nod. I said my piece. What more is there to do? I'm done with my verbal vomit, it came and it went. Just as it always does when I'm with him.

"Why? We can't ever stop being friends, that would give everyone too much satisfaction and you know, you and I, we're far too stubborn to let anyone but ourselves be happy. We'd live forever out of spite," I said and my words made James freeze in his spot and shiver all over.

Yes, I had defeated him, hands down. Lesath Malfoy never lost a battle, especially against him. Now, I was too stubborn for that. I won out of spite. And I had just used his own words against him.

James wouldn't have expected me to remember his words, he spoke them in our fourth year after a stupid argument about Kaya. Or was it Quentin? It was most definitely both. "I said that didn't I?" he mumbled.

I nodded and clicked my tongue. I let down my foot on the concrete and heard the tap of my heel, I had won. "Yes you did."

He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair. "I'm sorry Lee," he says.

"You should be," I tell him.

He walks up to me and takes me in his arms, his lips lingering on the side of my face and I feel him inhale my smell, I do the same to him and I know that our hugs aren't for the same reason. "You shouldn't pull things like that on me. I love you too but we'll just have to be friends."

"I don't want to be just friends," I murmur.

"We'll have to learn to be _just_ friends. It's not right if we're anything more."

He takes my hand and we walk around the corner in silence.

The ice-cream parlour was still there and they had a million different flavoured ice-creams I settled for Vanilla.

How interesting.

We sat in silence as we ate the ice-cream and at one point it got so quiet that I couldn't finish eating my ice-cream and palmed it off to James who happily ate the remainder of my ice-cream. My mother always said that a proper lady never finishes her plate. I liked that rule. I followed as many lady-like rules as I could.

After James finished his attack on the ice-creams I knew that it was time to go. It was either leave or have ample opportunity to bombard him with my feelings and other things that a Malfoy doesn't like but hold nonetheless. Regardless of popular belief, Malfoy's do indeed hold feelings, I like to put up a steely front and it works on most. One person it most definitely doesn't work on is the guy standing next to me.

We stood there, it started snowing again and I put my hands deep into my jacket. "I don't know when I'll see you again," I say simply.

"You'll see me next time you're at Rose's and Scorpius'" he says.

I laugh. "You mean your Aunt and Uncle's? those two wouldn't be able to buy their own house if their lives depended on it."

He nods. "You're right,"

I think for a bit and frown. "You're never there when I'm there," I say.

"I'll be there next time, and the time after that. I promise."

His hands move up to my face and he brushes my cheeks with his thumbs. His fingers move around behind my neck and I look at his eyes as his hair falls into them. His lips move closer to mine and skim over them before they force themselves against me and his tongue edges into my mouth.

Annoyingly sweet this was.

He pulls away and stands a bit longer before sighing and pulling up his hood. He looks as though he's going to apparate without saying anything else to me. "I'm buying her a ring," he says and he's out of sight before I can say anything to him.

Or punch him in the face.

_James' death bed wasn't exactly what he'd described what he wanted when he eventually died._

_He had always told me that he wanted to be laid on top of Chudley Cannon colours with the Gryffindor flag draped over him but so far all he got was an old Hospital Wing bed and his school books scattered all over him. Probably thanks to his cousin Rose the second year._

_He looked fine to me. He didn't look dead, he looked very much alive and I kicked myself internally for believing that Fred and Roxanne Weasley. Here I was thinking that the git had lost a limb._

_James saw me walk in and I threw up my nose in an attempt to not care. "Lee," he croaked._

_He feebly put up his hand to usher me over and I rolled my eyes. "Hold on, I'm coming."_

_He started coughing like an old wizard and I sat down next to him. "Did you bring me flowers?" he asked while wheezing._

_I snorted. "I didn't because I was under the impression that all the girls that swoon after you would have brought some for you. You are after all the Gryffindor beater, not to mention the youngest captain. Being Captain and in your third year is remarkable you know?" I tease._

"_You have to stop doing that, you know, the whole quoting me thing. It's creepy how much you sound like me." _

_I shrugged. "You talk a lot and I listen, it's perfect."_

_He sighed and looked around. "You're the first non-family member to visit me you know?" he said._

_I rolled my eyes, that was utter bullshit. "Whatever, you've had girls lining up to see you," I say with a wink._

_He nods. "Well that's not a lie but I didn't let any of them in."_

_I knit my eyebrows together. "Why not?"_

"_I only wanted you at my death bed."_

_I roll my eyes. Always so bloody dramatic. "You're not dying James. You had a minor fall."_

"_And I watched my life flash before my eyes. Even the future!"_

"_Oh yeah," I say trying to sound mildly interested. "And what happens in the future?"_

"_You and I drunk in a cottage on the beach. All the time."_

_I smile. "That sounds lovely. And classy."_

"_You're always classy."_

"_Thank you," I reply._

"_Thanks for joining me at my death bed," he says with a smirk._

"_My pleasure."_

_We sit there for a bit, looking at his injuries before he speaks again. "You'll be my best friend forever and ever right?" he asks seriously._

_I frown at his sudden damper of a question. "Why?"_

"_What if there's something that comes between us and you want to punch my lights out?"_

"_I always want to punch your eyes out," I tease._

_He laughs but turns serious again. "No, seriously Lee, friends forever right?"_

_I nod. "Of course, becoming enemies is what they expect from us. We're far too superior for that." _

_He smiles at me and holds my hand. "Merlin I love you Lesath Malfoy."_

_And my heart stops. My throat closes. My ears deceive me. But surely not, because this guy is smiling at me. I say what comes to mind first. "You're my best friend."_

**(A/N) Hmmm, that was sad.**

**I'm writing Dom and Tori's story from this night as well, their's should be happier than these two!**

**I hope you enjoyed and REVIEW! please review because I have a soft spot for Lesath!**

**3**


	3. Chapter Three

**Author's Note: So, I've changed the rating to M. I just had this vision of where this short story was going and it was definitely in the "M" direction. So... Yeah, I hope no one minds lol.**

**Also, there'll end up being smut in this story, it's just the way it has to be, these two have developed so much in my mind. I've got a feeling that people may not like these two in this chapter, but i'll have you know that this is only one side of them, just like in the first one they were weak, second chapter James was trying to deny his feelings for her and now, in this one, they're like this. These are just different moments in time, not necessarily what they're always like.**

**There will be a happy ending, no matter what James and Lesath lead you to believe.**

**Anyways, here's the next chapter. Please tell me what you think, I need to know :)**

**REVIEW!**

* * *

><p><em>You were always the mysterious one with dark eyes and careless hair you were fashionably sensitive but too cool to care<em>

She walks into my house and the first thing she says is: "Oh?" as if _I_ had just walked into _her_ house.

She drops her hand bag on the ground and looks at me and Alicia sitting on the floor in my parents lounge. Maybe she's shocked that Alicia is here and Rora isn't or maybe she's actually confused and may think this is her house. It wouldn't be the first time she's done something weird like that. Lesath is filled to the max with weird.

She's probably come here to kill me or something, it won't be good anyways, she's got a thing out for James Sirius Potter and his death and it's most probably borderline obsession, out for the kill whether it be by wand, knife or her most prized nails. There _will_ be blood.

I really shouldn't notice things like this, but I'm a guy and I do: her dress is really tight. The last time I saw her wearing something that tight we were fourteen. And I feel guilty thinking about it in the presence of my girlfriend's daughter. But she can't read my mind.

_Lesath Aubrey Malfoy stood in front of me wearing a dress so tight that even the curves and bumps that I admit I'd learnt off by heart looked new to me._

_The green silk clung and hung off her in such a way that I'd temporarily forgotten to breathe._

_This was ridiculous, James Potter doesn't forget to breathe, not unless I want to make it the new "IT" thing to do, I don't forget to breathe because someone else makes me, merlin no, if I don't want to breathe then I do it on my own accord._

_So now I'm having a hard time adjusting to the fact that my best friend has given me some type of breathing impairment._

_She'd worn more make-up than necessary—just like always—so this gives me the right to smirk, take that, you wore heaps of make-up._

_One up for me._

_Her lips though, they were bright red as always but I barely ever saw her without that bright stuff on. If she were to take it off would it still be her? Or some type of different person, an alter ego maybe? someone stronger than myself that could crush me to smithereens all with those different coloured lips._

_In that case I'd have to whip out a hex or two because I don't ever get threatened by anyone. Not even an alter ego._

_My face must match hers now because she's looking at me like I'm crazy and I'm considering that maybe I am. Because I'm being subject to my crazy thoughts and they're leading me to think about alter-egos._

_One up for her._

_She batted her eyelashes and the dark stuff she's applied to them makes the silver of her eyes steely and cold. A weapon._

_This weapon couldn't do jack to me, I was tough. _

_She sighs and puts a hand on her hip and taps her stiletto on the wood—I don't know it's called a stiletto because I'm a sissy—merlin no, it's because she's told me. She tried to educate me on her shoes. I'm no sissy._

"_This is silly, James!" she whines._

_I laugh and shake my head. This wasn't silly. What's silly is her being scared of the rain and what it'd do to her hair. What's silly is that yesterday she wore high heels to my house and spent two hours before hand on her hair. She was silly. I was not. Simple._

_I take one more look in the mirror, just to make sure I look as good as she does and we look fit for a ball, and we do._

"_Excellent!"_

_Lee looks at me as though she's scared. She looks like she's about to drop down into a ball at my feet and beg me not to take her out. But I am. Because I care for her._

_And best friends always help a friend in need._

"_No James! We can't do this, don't take me out. If you do, I'll punch you!" she wasn't bluffing but her punches were weak, it didn't matter. "Fuck off James, I don't want to go!" she begs._

_It makes me laugh even more. Before she knew it, it would be over. "Come on Lee, I'm trying to help you here!" I say._

_I almost see tears forming. This dress must have meant a lot to her. Or cost her a pretty penny. "I thought you were my friend!" she says with wide eyes. "And you'll live to regret this bullshit," she hisses._

_Oh she was going to play that one was she? "I am your friend, that's why I'm doing this," I reason._

_She shakes her head now almost messing her perfect bun but not quite. She would never mess her hair. Oh the horror if she did. "James…"_

"_I'm your best friend Lee; I'm your _only_ friend. And best friends do whatever they can to help their best friend out," and I give her a wink._

_She "Hummpf's" and folds her arms. "I have friends' thank you."_

_I was sick of her nagging so I scooped her up in my arms; it was easy because I was so strong. Ok, I'm exaggerating, I'm not that strong, the girl weighed about as much as a twig, she seriously needed to eat._

_I kicked open the door with my foot and I ignored her hands and how they tried to rip at my body as she scratched, kicked and screamed and next thing we were outside._

_Her screams got louder and I swear to Merlin that anyone would think I was murdering the poor girl._

_It was raining heavier now, perfect conditions for Operation: Deperfectorize best friend. _

_The plan was dress her up in a ball gown, dress myself up in a tux and then walk outside through the elements and convince her that she doesn't always have to be dressed perfectly. That she doesn't have to avoid the rain because it could damage her perfect skin and hair._

_I managed to get her dressed up but the rain thing was still getting to her._

_With her still over my shoulder I took my first step onto the grass just to have her inhale as though she just dived head first into the Black Lake. "Holy shit!" she yelled as the cold rain fell onto her bare back._

_I grinned to myself, sweet success._

_She started kicking again and it was now starting to hurt so I dropped her down on the ground. The water had already got to her and her makeup was streaming down her face as she glared at me and threw a couple of fists to my chest. "You're a total wanker you know! This is ridiculous!" she shouted at me._

_Her blonde hair started coming out of its confines and sticking to her face annoying her more I could tell._

_But she looked better this way; she wasn't wearing a mask or hiding behind her looks. She was just her and I'd never seen her like this before, totally bare._

_She tried to wring out her dress but it was useless, I was freezing my arse off but it was worth it. I just put my hands in my pockets, casual was my thing, and I watched her as she attempted to hide her hair with her hands and then wring out the dress. She moved from foot to foot as if trying not to damage her shoes and all I could do was shrug at her. "You agreed to do this," I said._

"_You forced me into doing this. You know I wanted you to stay with me tonight." And she licks her lips._

_I laugh. "Embrace the rain Lee, come on, live a little," I say and I wrap my arms around her waist just to have her lurch against me._

"_Don't, I look terrible. I probably look like some woodland creature," she mutters._

_That annoyed me. She looked perfect. Always bloody doubting herself, it annoyed me. "Don't, you look stunning."_

_She shakes her head but I catch it. I rub my thumbs over her eyes, I smudge her lipstick. She was covered in a mess and mass of red lipstick and heavy eye shadow but I wanted her to be like that. I grab the mirror that I know is stashed in a pocket of my jacket and I hand it to her. She looks at herself and her face screws up. She chucks it at me and she's about to shout but I muffle her yelling with my lips against hers._

"_Shut the fuck up will you?" I say. "I love you the way you are. Deal with it ok?"_

_And she nods. "You're crazy, James Sirius Potter. You do know that don't you?"_

_Yes I did. I was crazy for my best friend._

She ignores me even more. Hell, she's paying more attention to Alicia and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Probably bad but I can't exactly tell her to back off.

Well I could but I won't, she's capable of killing me with one flick of her wand and she _will _do it if pissed off enough, and we all know that I piss her off. More than enough.

"Hey little girl, what you doing?" she asks Alicia as she gets on her hands and knees and crawls over to my girlfriend's daughter.

Alicia keeps her head down and plays with the doll in her hand; she brushes the things hair with a tiny brush and hands it over to Lee. "Brush her hair," she says and slides the doll over to Lee.

Lee smiles at Alicia and it's bright and cheery, just like it always is. It's a total lie though. "Sure," she says happily. All a hoax I bet.

I gulp; I don't know what to do. She seems to be happily brushing the dolls hair but I'm scared that she might rip the things head off with her mouth and spit it out on Alicia causing her to start crying. How would I explain it to Rora?

I think up my plan, it's good. "Hey, it's Alicia's nap time now," I say and I stand up and pick up Alicia.

She doesn't fight with me, she likes me and she was getting sleepy so it's easy to complete my plan and I take her up to my room and tuck her in the blankets.

She has the stupid doll and that's good enough for her.

I walk downstairs quietly and slowly, scared that Lee's wand will be pointing at me square in the chest. It's not however.

She stands there with both hands on her hips and her stance leaning to the right hand side. So stiff and proper, I'm surprised she's not permanently poised like that.

My brain is starting to hurt because I'm confused. I don't like to be confused but I don't know what to do. Why was Lesath Malfoy in my house? Why I ask! I need to know.

I wasn't built for such inner demons, it's not in me to try and figure out what to do when an ex-best friend who you're in love with is standing in your lounge with Queen Bitch written on her forehead. Not even Harry Potter could win this one.

What do I say? I say what comes to mind. It was hard to work this one out; it took me seconds to think of what to say. And I didn't have seconds to spare. "What are you doing here?" I ask.

I nod to myself and to my good choice of words. "I've come to see you," she says with a snort.

Damn it, she got me good with that reply. What do I say to that? "Oh," I mumble. There're probably a million reasons why she'd come to see me but I'd like to know the real one rather than stand here and figure which one of my theories are right. "Why?"

"I've come to fuck your brains out," she says while rolling her eyes.

There was a time when that wasn't sarcasm. It would have been true. I wouldn't be a man if I didn't think that the statement sounded appealing.

Fuck I'm bad.

I throw my hand up as if I think she's being stupid. Well technically she was but she wouldn't admit it. Oh no, Lesath Malfoy is perfect and clever, she wasn't stupid, especially in her own eyes.

I exit the room and go and sit in the kitchen. I always felt that the kitchen was the most wholesome room in the house. I felt guilty even _thinking _about sex when I was in the kitchen. You can't think about sex and then eat my mum's food while you're in the kitchen. It's just wrong.

Well, I guess it's wrong thinking about sex when a woman who's not my girlfriend is in my house.

I slump further into the dining chair and fold my arms; Lee was nowhere to be seen probably still standing in my lounge like she's reached the end of the runway or something like that.

I hear the clink of her high heels against the wooden floor; she was coming to find me. "So, where is _she?_" and she drew out the last word.

Her lips smacked together annoyingly as she studied her nails. "And who is _she?_" I said in a tone that matched hers. "Because I have a mother and a sister that live here, you could have been talking about them."

She laughed in a scary manner and it made me shiver. "You know the one who you pretend to love."

Oh I see where this is going, the _old _Lee was back. I knew it. I knew it wouldn't be long until she was back to icy words and evil sentences; it was all a matter of time.

When she finally came to her senses and decided to see Quentin I thought I was fucking high. Not only was it the first time she'd seen him but she was quiet and calm. Not once did she raise her voice, hit me or come up with ten million reasons as to why I was a stupid idiot and she was some amazing angel. She was an alter ego, some gentle spirit that I knew but also knew wouldn't last.

Then at Christmas I saw her again and she kept telling me she loved me. That in itself was strange because it was almost like she was _begging_ me to be with her. Lesath Malfoy never _begs._ It's not in her body and being to beg, and I was taken aback. But when I told her that we shouldn't fight about it, that I was happy with Rora, that was it. She shut up and she didn't say anything else. Lee never passes up the opportunity to fight. Especially with me.

Now she's standing here, icy as ever and disrespecting my girlfriend. "She's with her parents," I say never looking at her.

She snorts. "She's out fucking the father of her daughter, that's what she's doing."

I shake my head and look at my feet, if I look at her that means she wins again. "You are fucking terrible you know?"

She shrugs, I know that because my eyes are betraying me and hovering at her neck. As long as I don't look at her eyes I'll be fine. "Don't act so surprised, James."

Her hands are still plastered to her hips and I see she hasn't changed her position. "Why are you here being a bitch?" I snap. "When you've been so nice lately. I should have known that you being nice was a joke," I say a bit too nastily for my liking.

"Because I'm sick of being nice. Being nice means that James Potter feels as though he can walk all over me, since you've always walked over nice girls. I thought that if I was the _real _me then you wouldn't have the honour of doing so," she says and my eyes shoot up to hers.

There it was. The truth. Written all over those silver eyes. I should have seen it earlier.

She thought that if we were the same as before, the same venomous person then I'd want her. "No," I say simply.

She rolls her eyes and sits down opposite me. "No _what_ exactly?"

"No…" I struggle to find the words. "No, this isn't going to work; you can't win me over by pushing me around."

She smirks and leans back in the chair, flinging her right leg over to cross her legs. "You push me around twice as hard… sometimes literally."

My breath hitches in my throat and my hands clench but I ignore it. "Shut up."

She shrugs and looks at me. "You wouldn't be able to treat Rora the way you treat me. She wouldn't like it. I _love_ it." And she rolls her tongue with the L sound.

I shake my head. She was right. Rora wouldn't enjoy the way I treated Lee.

"I-I-I-I don't know what you're talking about," I stammer. My face was getting hot and I was getting sweaty. I didn't want her to voice exactly what she was talking about and I knew she knew that. I knew she knew how scared I was of her doing that and I knew she would be thriving off the thought.

"You loved it too, the control. You loved the harshness of it all didn't you James, and you loved how I could handle everything you gave me. We were powerful!" her smile widens.

I cover my ears and I wish her out of my house but it would never work. She'd only get out if I forced her but that's what she wants. The reaction she's searching for. "Shush," I try to whisper but it came out as a crackly gasp.

"Shush? That's all you've got? What happened to the yells and the threats James? You don't like Rora to know how you really are? Well she's missing out on a lot. She's not strong enough to handle the real you, I was. I'm strong and I can match you. I don't need to hide behind words and kisses and begging anymore James because I know that's not what you wanted from me, you made that loud and clear. You wanted the real me, the harsh me. You didn't want to hear me begging for you, you knew that wasn't me," and her head snaps to look at me and kill me with her gaze. And it worked.

I wasn't the way I used to be, I wasn't the person she was describing. I hoped I wasn't anyways.

She was wrong on so many levels. I didn't want her to be like this, the real her, I wanted her to stop. That's why I couldn't have her, because it was too much. She brought out things in me I didn't want but I knew were still in me. She brought out the pain, the anger, the horror in me and I had to shake it out of me, banish it into a corner of my mind. I had to get rid of it and the only way I could was by getting rid of her first.

I didn't want to be the James Potter her and I knew so well. I wanted to be the kind and loving one that I'd given to Rora.

I _needed_ to be the fake one.

She stood up and I watched the slippery motion of her legs making their way towards me.

Her body dropped the scent of vanilla and it stung my nose as she straddled me. She moved her hands up my arms and with her right hand she took hold of my chin and I felt the strain of her nails against my skin. "You used to love the fights, used to like the spark of us yelling at each other. You thrived on it," she says.

I shook my head. "We're not good Lee!" I snap.

But I become awfully aware of her body against mine and the milky colour of the skin of breasts against my chest. Her slender thighs either side of mine. I become awfully aware of the déjà vu of the scene. This has all been done before, more times than I can count.

She nods and moves on top of me causing me too much frustration. There were things I'd love to do to her right now but I couldn't because she'd win again. I loved Rora. I loved her. I had to love her. I couldn't love Lesath. I wasn't allowed to love her.

She was poison.

She was poison.

Rora was not.

I have to love Rora.

I just have to.

I have to save myself.

"Best friends bicker Lee, they don't have fully fledged fights," I moan.

She liked the sound of my moaning and she sat down harder on me as if she knew what it was doing. And she _did_ know, that was the thing. "We fought for a reason though James because we didn't want to give up on each other," she whispered.

_Her smirk annoys me and I clench my fists, this wasn't going the way I wanted it to._

"_Of course you'd walk around in all your Potter glory. You have no damn right to think you're better than me, just because your father—" but she's cut off when my hand gains a brain of its own._

_I'm scared of myself; my hand is raised and is hovering by her face. What the hell was going on here?_

_She gasps for a bit and holds her breath, looking at me directly in the eye with a look of horror at first, shock second and then yet another smirk._

_She smiles at me._

_She was running her mouth at me why? Because I told her she had to stop being a bitch? Because I told her she had to stop being mean to everyone and she had to talk to people other than me?_

_And now she's trying to bring down my family._

_And it was annoying me so much I raised my hand at her, it was only centimetres away from her face and she's smiling at me. She clicks her tongue and I'm sure she's going to start running her mouth again. I lower my hand. "You were going to _hit_ me? What a joke."_

_Was I going to hit her? I don't know, but she was so fucking infuriating that I wasn't exactly sold that I _wasn't_ going to hit her. "You have to shut up Lesath," I say as I stare at my hand._

_She laughs out loud and shakes her head, blonde hair flying everywhere. "That's right because you're not as strong as your father; you're weak Potter, so weak, hiding behind your name. And you think I'm a bitch? You're the only girl around here," she hisses at me._

_That was enough! My hand shoots out to her head and I grab onto her silky locks, she'd be hating it, me touching her hair and knowing that makes me love it. My hand twists in her hair and I pull her face close to mine. "Listen, I'm not afraid to do what I feel is right and telling you that you are a bitch was right. I was fucking spot on with that one. So shut your trap and do as your father does and run!" I didn't want to look at her any longer and the smile slapped proudly on her face was pissing me off._

_Who did she think she was?_

_She keeps smiling and I want to tug on her hair harder but I don't. Instead I listen to her bullshit as she starts talking again. "Playing rough now are we? You're not happy that your best friend is telling you a few home truths? You told me some," she spits._

_I release her head and I punch the wall next to us while giving a shriek, how this one person could fuck me over with her words I didn't know. But I did know that the warmth spreading over my hand was from the blood._

_She stares at me like I'm dumb, like I was a little kid that had just wet their pants. "I'm not apologizing for that!" she said and she stormed out of the class room as if she was my mother and she'd banished me to my room. All while twirling her wand above her head._

_I had nearly punched a girl! I had nearly punched my best friend! What was going on with me? I'd never had such urges. Such intense urges. She's made me angry, hell in the past three years that I've known her she's made me angrier more times than happy but not like this. Her hard head and bad attitude brought out the worst in me and I didn't know how to control it. Because every bad moment only lead to the best moments._

_Later that night I hear footsteps in my dorm, light ones. Her ones._

_My curtain flings back and her wand is pointing at me. "Best friends fight. All the time."_

_That's all she has to say? "They do," I say weakly. Like the idiot I was._

"_I will stop being a bitch to your Gryffindor pals if you make sure to never give up on me."_

_She crawled onto my bed and shut the curtain before putting a silencing charm around us. Her lank frame curled up around mine and I felt the softness of her hair tucked up in the crook of my neck, as though I hadn't hurt her at all today. And it was like this every time we pushed the boundaries._

"_We've been best friends for three years Lee, I can't just give up on you," I mutter. I was frigid, I didn't want to move._

_What if I hurt her more._

"_So tell me what happened, I've forgotten," she laughs._

_It wasn't funny at all. "You told my cousin Lucy that she had a weird obsession with me, you told Sean Finnegan to stop talking as he was hurting your ears, you told Freesia Longbottom to "_Get the fuck out of my face_" and I told you you had to stop being a bitch," I tell her._

_She nods against me. "I didn't like that did I?" _

_I laugh without humour. "Not at all."_

"_I'm sorry James. I shouldn't lash out like I did, I don't want our friendship to suffer because I can't handle a couple of words," she murmurs._

"_I hurt you Lee, physically."_

_She laughs again. "The physical I can handle. I always handle the physical. It's the emotional I don't like, it's sick, it's so pathetic."_

_I didn't understand her logic, how can the emotional hurt more than the physical? "What do you mean?"_

"_I mean, look, bruises heal, they always do. But when your heart is bruised it can last centuries, I don't like knowing that if I damage your heart or you mine it could be decades before we're fixed. I can't last that long without you."_

_I sigh. This whole thing was sick. "I'm sorry Lee," I was with my voice breaking._

"_It's alright; you didn't hurt me this time. And the last bruises have faded off my arm."_

_Knowing that I had hurt her before made me queasy. But she was right, I couldn't be without her. She was the only one that knew me inside and out, she was the only one who knew the real me, not the Potter, just the James. She knew what pissed me off and made me happy and she could use them both against me. I didn't lie to her; there was nothing I lied to her about. Maybe that's why we were so evenly matched._

_Maybe that was why I didn't hold back at all when I unleashed on her because I knew she could handle it. But I couldn't handle doing it to her._

"_I know it's tearing you up. But I'm over it, seriously and if you're not then maybe I was right all along, maybe you are just a girl's blouse, and you know I'm always right. And I know that annoys you," she said smarmily with her lips against my neck._

"_I'm just glad you can handle it."_

_She smiles against me. "Every hit, threat, smile and whisper means that you're fighting for us James, it shows that you don't want to lose it. I think I can deal with that."_

_I was fourteen, how could this be happening to me?_

_She used her words to win. She manipulated me into losing. _

_And I knew now that if I was going to die or be seriously injured, maybe even driven mental it would all be because of her._

_Little did she know she was just as crazy as me._

I was losing again. She was straddling me, what was that? I was a loser.

Always losing what I wanted.

Always losing against what was right.

"I miss everything about you James, _everything_ about you," she says as her nails scratch at my back.

Seductress. Always a seductress.

I slam my fist on the table behind her. "Lesath. No!" I argue.

She whips her head to the side and her blonde hair hits my face before she turns back to look at me. "What is it that keeps you with her? Fuck me, it can't be the sex, she wouldn't want to be pregnant again and it can't be her fucking looks, she's as plain as a black shirt. So tell me what it is!" she snaps.

Did she want to hear it? Did she want to hear how Rora was everything that she wasn't.

That didn't necessarily mean she was better.

Just healthier for me.

"She has a heart, she has a soul, she has compassion, she likes people, she doesn't judge. She doesn't know _me_ the way you do. She doesn't know the real me Lee."

She sniggers. "Let me see the real you James," she whispers and her hands travel down my sides and up underneath my t-shirt. I groan under her rough touch, something so fucking familiar that you can't help but want to melt under it, just to get that little taste of what you remember so well but you're scared of forgetting.

I didn't want to forget her; if I did I'd never forgive myself.

Lee's eyes widen and she looks at me with what looks like a look of clear vision. Her hands stop moving up my stomach, tense and clenched muscles because she was touching me. I wasn't a man; I didn't get like this when my girlfriend touched me.

Just Lesath Malfoy.

She shakes her head vigorously and starts breathing in and out quickly. "No, no, no, no, no, no!" she repeats to herself.

She removes herself from my lap leaving an annoying ache in me. Fuck.

Poison.

She spins around on her heels and straightens out her skirt and does the top button of her blouse, she frantically looks around for her bag. She adds in a few cuss words, it wouldn't be her if she didn't. "Where are you going?" I ask as I try and steady my breathing. I run my hand through my hair. I had to calm down.

She stops but she doesn't turn around. "I have to go, you always fuck me up."

I snort, "You're fucking me! You came here, straddled me then jumped up! _You_ fuck _me_ up!"

She nods and she turns around, she was tidy and presentable in a way that would probably make her cringe, she'd find herself messy and unruly, I liked it. Small things like that that keep her annoyed make me happy. A bitter thought.

"I can't stay here; you've seen me down on my knees. I can't let you see me so vulnerable," she says and I hear a hint of something.

Tears.

I look at her, her hands clenched, hair messy, face torn. I shake my head, I couldn't let her get like this, I always fucking do. She'll get upset and I'll end up doing something stupid, I always do. I open my mouth. "No, Lee, stay," I mutter.

She shakes her head again and turns around. "No," she says as she starts towards the door.

No, she can't just come in and ruin things like this, every third or so week when she thinks things are going fine and peachy for me she'll barge in and stir trouble. It had to stop.

But that wasn't why my hand reached out for hers when it swung back with her stride; No the reason for my hand grabbing hers was because I was weak and a bad boyfriend. "Wait," I mumble.

She spins around and yanks her hand out of mine, she lifts it high and without a second fucking thought; without any warning she slaps me hard. Her nails scratched my cheek and the blow focusing on my mouth. I taste my salty blood and laugh.

I'd missed it. All of it. All of her.

"You're tearing me a-fucking-part James Potter," she hisses as she grips on to my chin again and shoves my head backwards.

I swallow the blood and with putting as much thought into my next move as Lesath did into my slap, I crush my lips to hers, my tongue dancing and sliding around hers and I know for a fact that she'd be tasting what she'd done to me.

She groans against me, betraying herself in the process, she'll want to kick herself for giving in.

Why was I doing this? Because I always wanted her, needed her, fucking _thrived_ on her very being.

One ugly soul always attracts another. That was my philosophy.

Rora was the fucking sunshine.

Lesath was an eclipse.

I'd be pale and bloody withered if I stayed in the shade, but I loved it.

She scratches at my arms, her hands going up to my neck and nails digging even harder into my skin. She bites down on my lip hard. "Don't go," I hiss and she grips even tighter.

She laughs against my lips. "Don't use me like this," she whispers.

I groan as she pushes me back onto the couch, she didn't want to be used? She was the one leading.

She ripped open her blouse and my mouth latched onto her lace covered nipples, her chest rising and falling as I bit down on her and she arched closer to me. I could hear her high heels digging into the fabric of my couch. Dad was going to kill me.

Her fingers tangled in my hair and it was painful the way she tugged me closer. I couldn't sink into her; my body wouldn't become one with her.

I didn't have enough time to do everything I wanted to do to her and relish the sweetness of what her and I have. There wasn't enough time to do all this and still have a bit of free time where I was guilt free.

The guilt was coming already.

"I hate you," she hissed as I bit down on her right breast, licking the creamy flesh and tasting the sweet and sour taste of her perfume.

"Jaime?" said a little voice to my right. "What are you doing Jaime?"

I looked at Alicia's eyes.

Rora's eyes.

"Nothing," Lesath said and she stood up, giving a weak smile at Alicia.

_I take a breath and look at Lesath sprawled out on my Gryffindor colours. First day back at fucking school after _they_ died and I couldn't even last two hours without her at my side. Fifth year was going to be shit. I was sitting at the edge of my bed, my curtain wide open and I was staring at the curtain of Simon Wood, such a good roommate, he didn't care when I shagged someone. _

"_I'm sorry," I mumble. "I was rough."_

_She laughs. "It's alright, have you seen your back? It's going to scar I think…" she says and she traces my back._

_I tremble under her fucking touch, harsher than Kaya's was. She wouldn't have touched me so boldly if she'd injured me. My skin was burning and stinging all in one go._

_I look back at Lee her jaw was purple and her chest covered in tiny bits of blood. Bite marks. "I was never like that with you… the other times… gentle," I mumble._

"_Who gives a fuck?" she says._

_Me? I give a fuck._

"_Do you miss him?" I ask her._

_Her eyes glaze over and her jaw twitches. "Yeah, because everything was simple with him."_

"_Why?"_

"_Because if we fought or we were to break up I'd run to you, you know, how everything's solved if you have your best friend?"_

_I laugh without humour. "Yeah, I know exactly," I say and I lie back on my bed, flinging my hands behind my head and staring up at the ceiling._

"_But if I was with you, what would I do? We'd have no one to run to except for each other. Down fall of fucking your best friend," she murmurs._

_I wasn't just _fucking_ my best friend. I was in love with her. And her dangerous ways._

_I roll over to look at her, her silver eyes the only thing I could see in the dark room. "Why do we fight Lee? You know, _really_ fight. Fists and shit."_

_She sniggers. "I know why," she starts. "It's because everyone fucking tip-toes around us, going on about how we must be sensitive because of our bloody parents. We were the only people who didn't care about things like our parents. And now that… that… th-the—_they're_ dead they think we're even more sensitive. Prats."_

"_I guess it's only us two that truly know each other aye?"_

_She smiles against my shoulder. "Yeah."_

_Sometimes being a Potter was a burden, sometimes I'd like to just fucking blend, be normal._

_And I was when I was with her._


	4. Chapter Four

**Authors note:**

**For DracoMalfoysTooFine. Not a very nice chapter but still dedicated to you. **

**This chapter is a bit rough but I had to put it out there, don't forget this is angst, if you don't like it, I'm sorry. I didn't like writing it but I don't know, it just came to me.**

**Review **

* * *

><p><em>You can't understand why he treats you like he do when he's such a good man<em>

It's the days like this that piss me off the most. Spending just a little too much time with Scorpius and my screaming nephew. Spending just a little too much time with the Scamander twins—and may I add that I still have to see Lorcan later today—and also, just to top it all off, just to add the icing to this mediocre day, I have to spend time with another person I am partial to killing.

And what fucks me off the most about that, what really makes me tick, is the fact that I'd never be spending _enough_ time with him.

Even though I don't want to see him at all.

My baby brother sits across from me and leans against the weathered and battered table that Hermione Weasley claims has _character. _Well, I wouldn't go so far to say that it has character but I believe that it's seen a few good parties.

We all know that Ron Weasley is as fond of Firewhiskey as my father.

I look at my nephew, asleep in his pram still. To think he was screaming Diagon Alley down only ten minutes ago, now he's lying here pretending to be an angel. Sure, Caelum was cute and I loved him—even more for inheriting Scorpius' blonde hair rather than Rose's ghastly and untameable red curls. I wouldn't know what colour to dress him in if he gained the red hair—but the boy had a set of lungs on him and could give me a run for my money in the screaming department and today as Scorpy and I walked through Diagon Alley I did have rather vivid thoughts about locking my nephew in a room by himself.

Caelum's tiny eyes flicker open briefly and even at just over two years old he's looking more and more like my brother.

I swing my right leg over my left and fold my arms; I quickly look at my watch and groan. Scorpius stares at me and knits his eyebrows together. "What are you still doing here?" he asks as he takes a rather desperate drag of his cigarette.

I shake my head. "I don't ever want to see you inhale like that again, it's almost as though you rely on those fucking sticks to keep you alive—" he cuts me off.

"Yeah, fucking yeah. Malfoy's never look desperate blah-blah-blah," he says as he waves his hand at me. "But seriously, don't you have a Quidditch interview today? It's Thursday, interview day."

I glare at him and he gives me one back, his eyes look just like mine and I smile, he's got great eyes. "I'm aware that I have an interview…" I say quietly.

Not that I wanted to do this fucking interview, if I could I'd palm it off to one of the interns, when I say interns I mean either one of the Scamander twins but I couldn't trust them. They'd end up talking about some random shit that had nothing to do with Quidditch. No, but this Quidditch player asked for me specifically.

Just like he said he would.

_He scooped me up in all his muddy glory and I hold back the need to vomit all over him, the squelching sound of his wet robes against my cotton T-shirt and light coloured jeans make me woozy and I dread thinking about the stains that would damage my clothing. "PUT ME THE FUCK DOWN!" I yell at him._

_We were the only two still on the pitch, he'd done a good job acting as though him winning the game for Gryffindor didn't go straight to his head. When he'd said his speech on the pitch in front of the school he'd acted as though it wasn't him that had single handily won the match, he'd mentioned every single one of his team mates. He was good at acting humble. _

_Good at acting great like his dad._

_As he put me down he grabbed my shoulders. "I was fucking great Lee, and all those people from the Cannons were there, they saw me! I'm gonna be fucking famous Lee! FAMOUS! And I won't be famous for being the son of Harry Potter, nope; I'll be famous for being me."_

_I laugh; I loved seeing him so happy. I liked seeing him without Kaya. I wondered where she was but she was probably back in the Gryffindor Common room being a good little girlfriend and preparing a party for her boyfriend. He jumped on the spot and threw his broom in the air. "Only three more years and you'll be in the team James, imagine it!" I say._

_He nods. "And you know, when I'm in the Cannons and you're the sports writer for the prophet, I want YOU to write my article."_

_I snort, he was crazy, "Won't you rather have Maria Skeeter writing about you? More people would read it."_

"_Fuck no; I want YOU to do it. Promise me you will?" he says and he pouts his lips and widens his eyes._

_I grin. "Whatever you say."_

_He links his arm with mine and we start walking back towards the castle. "Besides, it's more fun when you get your best mate to do shit for you."_

Scorpius exhales all over me and I try and blow the smoke away. "Who are you interviewing?" he asks me, a glimmer in his eye. He'd expect someone famous.

What a joke, this guy was no one of importance.

To anyone but me.

"James."

My brother stares at me for a bit before nodding and running a hand through his hair that needs a thorough wash. How Rose can sleep with that I'll never know but I do know that my mother wouldn't be impressed if she saw Scorpius in such a state. "Is… is that going to be alright? You know, you and him. Same room et cetera. I know you can't control yourself around him," and he smirks.

I roll my eyes. "What? You think I'm going to go and rape him?"

"You're so weird you know that?" he says. He takes another puff of his smoke and blows it out, "No, I think you're going to end up killing the poor fucker."

"I never knew you liked him so much," I mumble.

He laughs without humour. "Seriously Lee, you two are bad. Real bloody bad. It's not going to end up all butterflies and daisies at the end of the day."

I nod. Yeah, I was getting a lecture from my little brother. "I really don't think you're in any position to be giving _me_ a talking to about relationships thank you Teen Father," I snap at him.

"I might be a teen dad but at least Rose and I have a _healthy_ relationship."

There it was. The _evil_ word.

_Healthy_.

Because everyone knew that _him _and I were anything but _healthy_.

"Shut up."

He shakes his head at me the same way that Dad would and shrugs. "If you like pushing each other around and fighting with every second breath then go ahead and ruin the guy's life, no skin off my back."

"Aren't you supposed to be worrying about my wellbeing?" I ask him.

"Not if you're stuffing around with his. Nah."

I stand up, my bare feet hitting the wood, I look down at myself. White cotton dress today, I didn't have to dress up to interview this person, I didn't have to dress up if I was doing this interview at my own house. My hair was out, flowing past my mid back, and I wore little make-up today. Why did I have the urge to wash it off?

Because of the idiot that I was interviewing, that was why.

"How do I look?" I ask my brother.

"Blonde."

I roll my eyes. "So do you," I say.

I walk over to his side of the table and I kiss his head before kissing Caelum. My nephew was still asleep.

Before Scorpius can insult me some more I disapparate to my house. I land perfectly on the porch while I meet _his _eyes.

He coughs and puts his hands in the pockets of his jeans. "You're late. I felt like an idiot standing outside your house without you," he mumbles.

I nod. "Yeah, yeah, whatever."

I hear a chuckle from behind me as he follows me in. "I can't believe that we're actually doing this, feels like years since I said I'd get you to interview me."

Was he serious? "It _has_ been years. Five to be exact," I say snappily.

"I'm not dumb."

Really. Well he wasn't showing me otherwise.

"Ok, so where do you want to do this? Kitchen? Study? Or couch?" I ask as I point to the couch in the lounge.

I turn to look at him and he looks confused. "Wow, you're moving things along quickly," he says and he sounds a bit disappointed. "Calm it."

I didn't have time to muck around with him in my house; if I let time tick away it would give me more time to think about him.

Like how his hair is extra messy today and his t-shirt doesn't leave anything to the imagination and believe me, I have a lot of memories including _that_ chest and stomach. I think a bit more about how his eyes are glittering more than usual and his mouth and lips look warm and too fucking inviting.

It was his words though. He'd said _"Calm it,"_ Quentin's favourite saying.

I hated that saying, totally fucking despised it.

_Quentin leaned against the wall in the Slytherin Common room. He'd been waiting for me. "Where've you been?" he asked me. His eyes were pleading._

_I wanted to roll my eyes; he thought that this was something that could withstand time, battle through the hardships. He thought that we'd run away at sixteen and get married out on the beach._

_He wanted a fairy-tale romance._

_It was ridiculous. "I've been 'round," I said to him as I pushed past him._

_For someone who's fifteen he was awfully sheltered. His face turns into one giant frown. "You shouldn't say that, it doesn't sound good."_

"_Oh come off it Quentin!"_

_His eyes widen. "What's wrong with you?" he hisses, his eyes turning dark. "Calm it Lesath, seriously."_

_I step back, "You're going to hit me? Go on then!"_

_He stares at me with shock, "What did you say?"_

_Was he deaf? "Hit me, if you want to do it then do it!"_

_He gasps. "Merlin Lesath, I would never hit you! I don't what type of people you associated yourself with before but I would never think of stooping so low as to hit you!"_

_I drop my eyes. What the hell was I thinking? That everyone just hits people when they're mad? "I'm sorry," I mumble._

_He takes me in his arms and kisses my forehead. "I'm sorry too," _

_I didn't like how he was so forgiving._

"_I just-just…" I didn't know what to say to him, he was too understanding, he was too nice._

_He pulls away from me though and stares. "Where were you?"_

"_James."_

_He nods. "I know you two are best friends but I don't know if it's so good…" he says quietly._

_I snort. "And why's that?"_

"_You won't like me talking about it," he mumbles._

"_Oh yeah, well you have my bloody attention now!" I snap._

_Quentin sighs. "Well, he looks at you strange, he's always watching you. You're always draping yourself over him and you two talk about strange things like living together and running off. He punched Zabini in the face yesterday when he slapped your arse. And-and… I've seen you kiss him Lee, I saw you with my own eyes."_

_I roll my eyes, he was reading way too far into it, sure, I was in love with James once but I grew out of that, school girl crush! "He kissed me as a friend, nothing more."_

_He shook his head. "No, because when you walked away he screamed and started pulling at his hair. That's not healthy. You two rely on each other too much, and it's too intense. One day without him and he's banging on the Slytherin portrait Lesath, what's going on?"_

James stands in the foyer and shrugs, "Let's go study."

I nod. "Ok."

I lead him into the study and I sit in my dad's seat, he takes the one across the table and looks around. "Well, this is a nice room," he says with a small smile.

I kick myself internally, I loved his smile. "You've never seen this one?" I ask.

"Nah, only your room but I saw more of your body rather than the room," he says with a wink.

"You're such a git." I say, memories flooding back like an unwanted visitor who refuses to leave despite your subtle hints.

He laughs at himself a bit longer and looks at the clock. "How much time do we have?" he asks, stepping nervously from side to side as he always did, he threw in a nervous hand through his hair and inhaled deeply causing me to flick my hair over my shoulder, unsure of what else to do.

"Half-an-hour and then Lorcan's coming over to pick up the papers for me so I don't have to go back to work, those Scamander's are alright," I say and I briefly think about the blonde twins. They kept me on my fucking toes that's for sure.

"Ok…" he says and he looks like he wants to say more, before I ask him what's up he speaks again. "Lee, ever since the last time I saw you I've been fucking torn up."

I watch him fold his arms and look at him confused. "Why?" this was one of the last things I wanted to hear after seeing him the last time, I couldn't handle such intense emotions running through me and playing with my mind, last time my body went into shock and it took me days to rid myself of the emotions, it took me a week for my body to expel James Potter from my system.

He shrugs. "I keep thinking about what we'd do if we were together. See if we'd really buy a cottage on the beach and get fucking drunk every night. You ever think like that?"

I look upwards and pray that I don't say anything or do anything I may regret. "I'll have you know I'm trying to stop such thoughts thank you," I hiss.

He smirks. "Right."

"Must be having a rough patch if you're thinking about me…" I say slowly and it makes him groan. His groan touched me from across the table and shot straight to my brain making my thoughts hazy and uneasy. The thing about myself that I hate is that I don't have an much of an emotional span. When it's stretched and disfigured—usually thanks to James—it's uncomfortable to contain and lately, with the excessive amount of times I've seen him, it's nearly been stretched to its limit. I'm pretty sure that today will be the last straw. It won't be able to hold on much longer.

"No, it's not that it's just every fucking little thing reminds me of you. Rather annoying really," and he leans back in his chair to fold his arms.

I gawk at him. "You think I'm annoying? What about you! Waltz around saying you don't want to talk to me, you don't love me. You fucking mouth raped me last time I saw you!" I straighten my dress out and readjust my lacy bra underneath, this was all I had at the moment, my looks, he'd pulled down my barrier, he'd brutally attacked my mind and all I had to hold on to was the fact that my dress is in prime condition, my bra is sitting correctly and my hair is just right. I reach into my dad's top drawer and I know I left a tube of red lipstick in there.

He snorts. "What a joke, you straddled me! My dick couldn't control itself."

My eyes widen. "Oh, so your dick was telling me not to leave your house! You're pathetic!"

"Shut up Malfoy," he says and then he has the cheek to wink at me. He watches my lips as I reapply my lipstick, every movement was irritatingly followed by his eyes.

I groan and slam my hands on the table. "Potter."

James plays with a quill on the desk. "Remember that time you got so pissed off with me you shoved me in the lake?"

I laugh at the memory. "Yes because after that you went crazy at me, pushed me on the ground and then ended up fucking me on the grass. It was cold."

His eyes falter. "You didn't have to say it like that. Actually, you didn't have to mention it."

"You brought it up!"

He nods. "Yeah, I know."

I take his silence as an opportunity to gain the upper hand. "You can't just come into my house after fucking _months_ of agony and start talking about _us_, James."

"You ever think that we made a mistake?" he asks quietly.

"How can I not?"

He breaths out and slumps further into his chair. "And I always think it's too late to change anything."

We sit for a bit and I look at the blank parchment in front of me, my quick-quotes quill not being put to use. "Do you like playing Quidditch?" I ask.

He laughs, "Is this part of the interview?"

I shake my head, it wasn't. It was just me being nosey. "Nope."

He takes a breath before answering. "You know, I hated Quidditch as a kid. Everyone would say how I was a great flyer just like my dad. _You_ know how much I hate being compared to my father…" and he looks past me.

"What made you change your mind?" I ask.

"I never changed my mind, I changed my reasons to play," he says shortly.

I look at him out of the corner of my eye. Ever since first year he'd said he loved playing. "I don't get you."

"On the train back in first year you said you loved Quidditch players. In third year you said you wanted to marry one, you said Quidditch players would keep you in the life style you were a custom to," he says quickly. His eyes glitter, "I was such a sucker."

"I also told you I'd marry you if you supplied enough ice cream and as long as you didn't bring hussies into our house."

He chuckles and runs a hand through his hair. "We were so stupid."

Agreed.

I didn't want to ask him this, but I had to. Sitting here in front of me was my best friend; I had to grasp the opportunity. "What's wrong with Rora? Did she find out about us, on your couch… Alicia…"

His eyes turn serious but he shakes his head. "Nah, she didn't find out. It's just… I don't know Lee, seeing you again has just questioned everything about me. I always said that we weren't good together because we always push the boundaries, but that's just _us_. That's what _we_ _do_. She's too good for me Lee, and I'm perfect with you. I'm just so fucking torn. You don't mind my ways, you don't care about my psycho antics. You don't expect me to be the perfect Potter. I miss you."

His face breaks and I stop thinking. My body moves without my brain telling it to and I hate that, before I know it I'm shoving my feet against the wooden floor.

It was that moment, the one when things move ten times slower, things become twenty times clearer and passion intensifies thirty times over.

That moment where James Sirius Potter ruins everything that Lesath Aubrey Malfoy has ever built.

He keeps seated and I make it between his leg while I lean against the desk, his head buries into my torso and I feel his teeth nipping at my dress, his teeth clinging on to the fabric and moving it against me. "Please, I don't know what to do." He pleads.

I run my fingers through his hair and I try not to pull him closer, I try and soak in the familiar feel of his messy head, the smoothness of his neck as my little fingers slide against it. "Don't fight yourself James."

He groans and pushes me back so I'm sitting on the desk. My father's desk. Oh fuck.

I look down at him as he moves his hands up and down my thighs. "I love your skin, I fucking love it," he mumbles as he looks up to meet my eyes. They were cloudy and hazy, ridiculously familiar and riddled with lust, I was winning. "So creamy and smooth."

I always won.

"I shouldn't… Rora…" he said quietly as he started kissing the insides of my thighs, his tongue tracing patterns on my skin leaving a trail of his slick saliva. "You always loved it when I did this," and he kissed the junction between my thigh and my pelvis.

I grip his head tightly again and the rational side of me pops up, I hated it. I hated the good in me. "Only do this if you want James, don't think that you have to."

He laughs against my skin and sucks on it, so close to my core but nowhere near fucking close enough. "You're fucking stupid you know. Can't you see? I _need_ to do this, I _want _to do this and I _have_ to do this."

I was stupid? He was practically giving me all my wins. He was forcing himself to lose to me. I loved it.

I inhale sharply when he actually gains a brain and tugs down my knickers. His mind was greedy now and he was trying to pry open my legs without fully removing my knickers, his nails desperately scratching at the fabric and tearing them down my legs, over my bare feet and discarded on the floor of my father's office. "Lace? Why would you wear lace when I'm with you? You know how much I love fucking lace."

I win with lace.

Without warning his mouth is lapping at my wet core, tongue probing and fingers dancing on my sensitive thighs, he groans against me causing me to shiver. "Fuck Lee," he murmurs.

I pull him closer to me, relishing the dominance I had over him. His hair felt so good against my fingers, his tongue so good against me. "Yes, oh Merlin right there," I say as his tongue slowly licks my clit.

"Don't tell me what to fucking do!" he snaps.

I jerked my hips forward when his teeth grazed my clit, over and over and I held my breath as my eyes met with his, they were troubled and it made me shake furiously, the orgasm was taking over now and I couldn't handle the pressure building up, wanting to release. He removed his mouth from me and kissed my thigh, licking it and sucking before latching back onto my clit. The painful sensation took me over and I plunged head first into yet another orgasm James Potter had given me.

"Holy shit," I groaned as I clamped my legs together around his head.

"See, I know what I'm doing, so stop fucking around."

I roll my eyes my and keep my hands firmly in his hair, he had to learn. He had to learn that I was the winner. He rubbed my legs, shaky and uneasy, before coming up to look at me.

He stared at me as he unzipped his jeans. "Fuck Lee, I need you," he said as he freed himself from the denim confines.

I stare at him in shock. "What-What about Rora?" I ask in a whisper.

He laughs without humour, "Don't fucking act as though you care."

"Why are you doing this?" I say as I get off the table and my feet meet the ground but he shoves me back onto it and spreads my legs painfully apart.

I didn't like that, it was almost as though _he_ had the dominance, but he fucking didn't. I did.

He stands up with his pants still hanging off his hips but his hardness was out and in his hand, I try to close my legs a bit but he holds firmly onto my right knee and keeps it in place, his tip slowly rubs against my aching and swollen clit and I look at him with a smirk. "You haven't answered me," I say harshly.

He groans as his tip slips into me and he throws his head back. "Because I love you," he says with a grunt.

I give myself a sly smile and I look past James' shoulder to the mirror on the back of the study door. It was me that he was loving right now, not her.

"I love you too," I whisper and I feel complete, his length was moving in and out of me just like it has many times before, and I was fucking lapping it up.

My teeth graze along his collarbone and his hands tighten on my knees, keeping me wide and spread for him. He cranes down to take my lips with his, his tongue desperately fighting with mine and our teeth start chittering and clanking together while we fight. His teeth edge towards my lip and he bites hard, I hold in a whimper, I didn't want him to see me in pain, no. Because in reality, I _loved_ it. I was loving it and I didn't care about the blood that was moving towards my tongue, I didn't care about the blood that dripped between us and onto my perfectly white dress that would take at least three different spells to remove. He removes is teeth from me and stares as he thrusts slowly as though savouring the feeling, holding onto the memory. My body wasn't getting attention fast enough and it made me moan with frustration causing him to laugh in my face as I keep my lips pursed. "No, I fucking love you because I don't have to fuck you gently, I love you because I don't have to be happy around you, I love you because I'm not faking anything with you. It's all brutally fucking real and I love it," he says and he gives a sharp buck against me, my knees which are still held under his vice moved back suddenly and I felt my legs click in a painful manor.

I loved it.

"Why?" I snap and I spit on his chest, my blood staining his shirt.

"I love it because I fucking hate it and not only that, but everyone else would hate it. They'd hate me. And I love that." He grunts, his head falls back. "And imagine us together Lesath, imagine how disappointed and sick people would be if they saw us together. Pure torture. That's what we've always wanted."

And I'm blinded by the visions he's creating in my mind. "I want it,"

"We can't have it."

I scowl. "Why not?"

"Because it's not good or healthy. We should start pleasing others."

He's still moving painfully slow and the way his hands keep me spread is starting to really hurt, but I loved it. His face comes down to my chest and he starts nuzzling in between my breast, his spit soaking through my dress and his teeth biting down as though he's never been fed. "You're perfect, look at you, look at _these_. Always so perfect. It's pity." And he finds a pert nipple and bites down hard.

"You better not hurt me!" I snap.

He laughs. "Depends how much you fuck me up."

My face drops and I started to hate him, his sarcastic remarks and his fucking hurtful words, where the hell did he get off saying that to me while he was in me? As he was fucking me while he had a girlfriend. "I hate you!" I say.

He nods. "I hate me too," he says and he releases my legs, a painful ache ran through them and I leaned back in defeat.

He'd stopped it and not only that but he'd insulted me on so many levels.

He stepped back from me and took hold of my hips again. "You see that mirror there?" he said and he pointed at the mirror on the door.

"I see that mirror every day."

He smirks and pulls me to the opposite side of the table, he spun me around and I was facing the mirror, my hair was messed, my mascara smudged. I look like I'd just been hit by a train; he'd have to fucking pay for that.

He stared at me in the mirror and ran his hands down my shoulders and along my arse, his fingers dropped in between me and he smirked. "You're still dripping for me."

"Fuck off," I snap.

Two long fingers invade me and I move backwards against them, showing him that I didn't care that he was doing it. He pulled them out roughly and brought them around to my lips, he watched me stare at his fingers in the mirror. "I can't do this with her," he said quietly and it pushed me over the edge.

He knew I hated this. I didn't find this hygienic at all but _she_ doesn't do it. I took them into my mouth and I felt him jerk behind me, his hardness pressed firmly against my backside, I felt him twitch. My tongue rolled about on his fingers and I nipped them. "You can do it with me," and I saw his eyes darken in the mirror.

He returned his fingers to my core and wet them again, "You're dripping. Literally."

I moaned as his fingers slid in and out of me and his fingers were in my face once again. "Show me, prove to me that I can do things with you that I can't with her."

I wanted to turn around and punch him; I wanted to scratch at his face. I just wanted to hurt him but my body betrayed me and I took his fingers back into my mouth.

He dipped his fingers in one last time, moving them up to his own mouth and moaning. "I love the taste of you, you taste so good Lee," he said and he bent over me to kiss my mouth, it was slow and gentle, steady and weak and soft, he was loving me with is mouth.

He eased into me from behind and smiled. I removed my eyes from the mirror, not wanting to watch. Watching meant that I'd remember this all and that meant I'd be more than fucked off if he were to go back to _her_. He slammed against me and looked at me in the mirror; he noticed that I wasn't watching. "Watch Lee, you have to watch," he said and he tugged on my hair to get my attention.

I did, I watched but I kept no expression, I kept my lips together, I kept my eyes the same. I didn't make any noise but I was busting at the seams and only he could do that.

He grunted and slammed into me again. "You're bored? Well, that's fucking different; you mustn't be used to having people boss you around. Every other time we'd fucked you were the bossiest thing in the world, controlling me in every fucking aspect," he spat but I kept my face straight.

"I don't want to look at you," I say in a moan.

He reaches in front of me and plays with my clit a bit more, making my back arch and my arse slap against him. "Watch us Lesath; this is what you've wanted."

He was right, I got what I wanted. I stared at him in the mirror, never leaving his gaze and I smirked the entire I time. I could see his face contort as I continued to grin at him and he started pounding into me like he was trying to teach me a lesson. My hips met the hard wood of the table, over and over again and my bones were starting to ache but I kept smiling. "You don't fuck her like this do you?" I say loudly and his pounding gets harder.

"Shut up," he says.

I shake my head. "Harder, do it harder James," I say to him.

He grips my hair and pulls, his other hand furiously rubbing at my clit. I could feel his hips dig into my arse as my hips kept slamming into the desk. Pain, that's what was running through me, pain.

His eyebrows knit and his mouth turns into a snarl. "Stop smiling!"

I show teeth now, a big toothy grin and I start to buck against him the cold and evil sound of our skin slapping together in a hurried sequence was echoing in my ears. "More," I say in a desperate whisper.

He pulled out and shoved back in over and over and I could feel my orgasm building. He pulled my hair back. "Stop it!" he shouted but I smirked.

"That's the fucking best you've got?" I asked.

He grabbed my hair again and pulled right back until I could see his face looming over mine, his other hand gripped onto my left hip and his nails dug into me as he shoved against me so hard that the desk moved. Four more rough thrusts followed and I tensed around him, my orgasm came like a crash, it was so sudden I didn't even feel it coming.

And even when it hit me he kept slamming into me, his hands moved from my hair onto my ribcage and his nails dug into me as though he was holding on for dear life, my bones tightening as he clung on, my mind was so sure that my skin was turning raw under his claws. "Harder," I mumbled while gasping for air, my legs were failing me; I was scared I was going to fall to the ground after being worked so hard and so quickly after my orgasm.

James eyes were troubled as he pounded into me he was watching my back arch and fall with every movement he made and the cold hard sound of slapping flesh must have been too much for him. I felt him spill inside me and the warmth of it run down my leg and he kept milking it inside me until there was nothing left. His head thrown back in defeat.

He pulled out slowly and I could see him shaking in the mirror. He reached out to me and straightened me out while pulling my dress down.

He looked down as if his belt was the most fascinating thing he'd ever seen and he fumbled with it. I looked over to the mirror and I didn't like what I saw, scratches on my chest, bruises on my throat from him marking me.

Split in my lip.

I shook as I took the band from my wrist and tied my hair up slowly, my arms were sore.

I took a step back and noticed that my thighs were more than sore; they were strained from his hands pushing them apart.

James coughed and I turned slowly to look at him. "See?" he says quietly. "See why we can't be together?"

I nod. "Yeah," I croak.

He sniffs and he reaches to touch me, I jerk backwards but I didn't mean to, I just wasn't sure. He doesn't give up though; he walks directly at me and takes me in his arms. "And it's always like that."

"I guess so," I say shakily.

I sit down on the chair that he once occupied and he just watched me as I tried to catch my breath. I don't know what we had just done, I didn't want to know either but I was hurting in so many places my mind didn't know which area to focus on.

It chose to focus on my heart.

The sound of his zip was what made me realize that he'd be leaving, that he wasn't going to be here and he never would be here. He was never going to stay. His zip was the sign that the door was closing.

My legs were hanging open, maybe I didn't have enough pride to close them and possibly find me new underwear. I was shaking.

I think I felt a tear drop but surely that couldn't be possible, Malfoy's don't cry.

Lesath Malfoy especially.

James coughed and stood to my right, his shirt was still off, I don't know when it came off but it wasn't there anymore. "Lee, you need to have a shower," he said gently.

Gentle wasn't something I'd seen at all today and that was my own fault. I needed to shower? I don't think I could move.

I managed to look up at him standing over me and it troubled me to see him so upset. A tear fell on my face and he collapsed on the ground next to me, moving on his knees to between my legs and placing soft hands on my thighs. His head snapped up to my face and he reached up to wipe a tear from the corner of my eye, gentle touches.

Why?

"I'm sorry Lee, I shouldn't have."

I shake my head slowly, "No, it's alright. That's what we do," I croak.

He winces at the sound of my voice and shakes his head. "No, it's not. It was wrong on so many levels."

He picks up my discarded knickers and slowly pulls them up my calves, kissing my ankles and shins slowly and lovingly.

Why?

They come all the way up, his lips lingering on my inner thighs. "I think you should go James," I say.

He nods slowly, staying on the ground and looking up, looking for reassurance that I'll never give him. "I'm sorry, I love you. But this is why Lee, this is why."

I sigh and nod but point to the door, hoping and praying that I have enough strength to continue pointing at that stupid door that he'd unfortunately have to walk out of. "Just go."

I was shaking more now, more than I ever have and I didn't want him to go, I killed myself in so many different ways in my mind for forcing him to go. "When will I see you again?" he asked.

"I don't know."

He got off the floor slowly and stood there for a bit, staring at me. He leant down and kissed me tenderly on the cheek. "I hate this."

"I hate it too."

I heard the door click and I was instantly more alone than I have ever been, there was nothing for me in this doomed house just the faint sound of house elves elsewhere in the house. I'd never cried openly, I barely cry.

People question me frequently about me and my tear ducts. It's just something I never used often.

Today they were in full use.

Another knock on the door sounds and I know it's Lorcan. "Hello?" he says through the house, he obviously had let himself in.

I try to control my tears so I can answer him but they keep flowing, "I'm in here" I manage.

Lorcan's steps are careful and unsure but his blonde head eventually finds me in the study. "Oh my goodness gracious, what's wrong Lesath?" he asks.

I sit there, blood still on my dress, lip still swollen, hair still a mess, legs still hurting and I just shake my head. "I can't tell you," I mutter.

He rushes up to me and grabs my hand, lifting me up and against him. I'll never forgive myself for letting someone see me like this. His hug is warm and unnatural but it's a hug nonetheless and his chin rests on the top of my head. "You'll be alright won't you? Merlin, people don't cry for no reason."

He was right. "I just, I don't know, I need to be alone."

He shakes his head. "Who did this to you? Who made you cry?"

"Someone I love."

He sighs. "If they love you, they shouldn't make you cry. Or if they do, they must have a good reason for doing so."

How this all began, how all this love—or what I claim to be love—came to be was simple. But now it was extremely hard.

_A boy I recognize as James Potter walks up to me slowly, his head hanging down and I'm scared he'll actually try and talk to me. Why he couldn't just leave me alone, I'll never know but he seems set on coming to talk to me, he's doing a bee line in my direction. There is no way out._

_He'd spotted me in this lonely corridor on my way to charms, I was running late and by the looks of things I'll be even later. But in saying that, he had charms too. We Slytherin had charms with Gryffindor today, not only that but it was double charms. I almost knew my entire timetable off-by-heart; charms, potions and transfiguration were all with Gryffindor. How lucky…_

_The Potter boy stands in my way and I move quickly to the side to avoid him but without fail he takes a step back to meet me again. "Hello?" he says._

"_Hi," I say briskly and I keep walking._

_He groans and chases after me. "We met on the train?"_

"_Why do you keep telling me things as though they're questions?" I say with an annoyed sigh._

_I stop walking when he puts his hand on my shoulder, rather bold move for a Potter so I'm lead to believe, maybe he needed serious help. I turn to look at him, yes it was the same messy haired, hazel eyed and smirk wearing boy I had indeed met on the train. His smirk—which turned into a smile when I continued to stare at him—was bright and happy._

_The last thing I needed right now._

"_I'm sorry?" he mumbled._

_I rolled my eyes, "Yes, and you want what with me?" I snapped. "I have a class to go to."_

_He nods. "I do too."_

_I lift my hands and shoulders, "So? What do you want?"_

_He looks at me confused, "Are you always so nasty? You weren't so nasty when we met on the train," he says and he tucks his wand in his pocket before putting his hands on his hips._

_I fold my arms and glare at him. "I know who you are you know."_

"_And I know who you are, you're Lesath Malfoy, you're the daughter of Draco Malfoy. You don't like it when people mention your father and you hate it even more when they mention my father and your father in the same breath. Am I right?" and his smug grin widens._

_I take a breath, I know what is going on here, he was trying to pick on me, wind me up and annoy me and by gods was it working. I could practically feel the blood boiling then pulsing through me right now. "And you're James Potter. By the sounds of things you're just as annoying as your father!" I spat._

_James face falls and his eyes darken almost immediately. "I'm nothing like him thank you!"_

_I lean back, tilting my head to the side. "What do you mean?" I ask him, totally confused._

"_My father wouldn't go up to a complete stranger and ask them if they'd like to wag charms would he? No. So, what do you say?" he said, his eyes turning back into that light shade of Hazel, glittering with the thought of getting out of class for a couple of hours._

_I look at him out of the side of my eyes, unsure of what to say or what he was playing at but his nonchalant attitude was getting to me, I was intrigued by this Potter, he wasn't loud and boisterous like the other one, Fred. "And why would you want me to go with you?" _

"_Because you were the first person on the train to ignore me. I liked it."_

_I snort, "But I'm a Malfoy, you should really be trying to avoid me…" I say teasingly._

_He lifts his finger as though he'd just realized something amazing. "Ah, but you see, that's why I want to do this, they want me to stay away from you and you from me, but I'm rising against the masses," he held out his arm for me to take and I linked mine with his as we started towards the door that lead out to the field. "What they don't know, Lesath, is that in the few moments I spent with you in the train, I met a blonde haired girl who enjoys Quidditch and is partial to trouble. Also one who likes a good fight and enjoys laying in the grass… did I mention those were all my favourite things?" he said with a wink._

_I laughed at this crazy boy, his words spoken with such enthusiasm I couldn't help but smile. "I think you may have, but then I was unsure if you were telling the truth or just trying to stay on my good side."_

_He grinned. "Well, it was a bit of both. As I hadn't met a person with such pretty hair and eyes."_

"_Well, flattery isn't going to get you anywhere," I said._

_He laughed quietly. "Maybe not now, but definitely in our third year," he said with a lazy smile._

_I knitted my eyebrows together, "Not something I'd expect to come out of Harry Potter's son."_

_His arm tensed alongside the rest of his body, "One thing to remember, I'm not my father, princess."_

"_I'm not mine either," I snapped._

_James sighs. "People don't know why I do mean things, I punched my little brother the other day and they just couldn't understand why. My Aunt Hermione said to me, _'Your father would be so disappointed if he saw what you did.'_ They always do that; expect me to be just like him. I'm not though, I'm not nice like him; I'm not brave. I don't like the same things as him. I'm just me. And I don't know why I'm bloody telling you this," he mumbled._

_He punched his brother? I couldn't believe it. I thought that the Potter's were some great family with the perfect kids that were happy and amazing and oh-so clever like they'd always been made out to be._

_Maybe they were just like everyone else._

"_I-I-I don't mind hearing," I told him._

"_This one time, I got so angry with my mum, she wasn't listening to me; she was telling me that she was going to buy me a broom, she said I'd be just like him, I'd be the best seeker in all of Hogwarts. I yelled at her and I screamed and hell, I even kicked a hole in the wall."_

_I understood him, everything really. I knew what that was like, to be thrust into your parent's footsteps, well really, I was the opposite. _

_At twelve years old you don't want to have all this on your shoulders, well I didn't and I could more than tell that he didn't._

"_James…" I said but he started shaking his head._

"_I'm sorry, I shouldn't have blurted that all out, it's not like you care."_

_I shook my head and grabbed his hand, at first he left it there, limp and unsure but he eventually grabbed my hand back. "I care," I said. "Look, I'm the same."_

_His eyebrows knitted and he looked at me, dead in the eye. I hated that. "What do you mean?"_

"_I don't like people thinking I'm soft just because my dad's a changed man. I'm not soft. I don't like people think I'm sensitive because my father was a Death-Eater. I don't like it when people assume that I'm about to hex them the first chance I get, I hate it when people assume that I hate Muggle Borns, I hate it when people think that I'm too superior to talk to them. I hate it that everyone has this vision painted up of me but I'm nothing like it. I don't like that they think I'm just a pretty face, that there's nothing more to me. I don't like it."_

_James chuckles, letting in run through his body until it's a fully-fledged laugh. "They judge us on our parents Lesath; I think you and I have the same problem."_

"_And as long as we don't let that get in the way, I'm sure we'll be fine."_

As Lorcan Scamander clung onto me—his boss— I couldn't help but hate James for letting me stoop this low, he knew how intact my pride was, he knew I held it in the highest esteem yet here I was sobbing in the chest of a boy.

Sobs racked through my body and the foreign feeling of the incapability to breathe while crying came over me. I never wanted to cry over James Potter, I swore that I never will.

But I wonder why I always betray myself.

* * *

><p><strong>(AN) Ahh, that sucked to write, seriously.**

**But it had to happen, if you're reading my other story, "The Rough Times Of Genevra Jean Weasley" the next couple of chapters of this story will have a lot to do with Molly's wedding! Ahhhh.**

**So yeah. Poor Lesath, I don't know why but she's taking over my life, seriously. I love her.**

**PLEASE REVIEW! I'm not too proud to beg!**

**-Cara.**


	5. Chapter Five

**Author's Note: This may be rough for some people, Don't read if you don't like semi-forceful sex.**

**Don't worry because next chapter is happy.**

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><p><em>Loving you is like a battle and we both end up with scars<em>

Her hair isn't the right texture, her limbs short and not as sleek, her lips thinner and not as inviting, her collarbone was more covered and not as tasty.

Her skin was darker and not as aesthetically pleasing and her face was soft and not as jagged.

Her smile was genuine and didn't hold any teasing and her eyes were darker and not as truthful.

And yet here I was, master of deception and freshly fucked. Well, not fucked, I didn't fuck her; I made slow and passionate love. Not once did I turn this into an erratic and desperate need to fall into her and become one with her body, never wanting to unbury myself from her. Nah.

I made love to her and I pulled out and afterwards I washed myself of her and I hoped to Merlin she'd wash herself of me.

Because I didn't deserve to be covered in her and she shouldn't have to bear the burden of me on her.

She smiles against me and I feel sick that I lie there, embracing her fucking touch but closing my eyes so I didn't have to see.

What was it that drew me to her? It was the simplicity. You see, Rora comes with no complications or memories. When I met her, we never had a past. When we got together we could make our own memories and I could mould them any way I wanted.

When I'm with _her_, all I can see is our past, our dark and fucked up past that is way beyond repair and I doubt even with Aunt Hermione's magical skills that she'd even be able to fix even a tiny bit of that fucked up past.

But with Rora, I'm anything I want to be. I can lead her to believe that I'm someone else and I can give her all the best memories and return, she can give me good memories.

For once I'd like good memories.

I _have_ good memories. I do. But only when I'm with _her_ do I remember them.

When I'm without _her_, I forget. And all I can see is the reasons why I'm not with _her_.

I wanted to remember the good times with _her_. I wanted to see _her_. She won't let me.

Rora stirs beside me and holds my hand under the blankets, simple things like that show me the difference between simple and hard.

Rora was simple, there was no changing her. Everything was as it was and I got bored.

Maybe it wasn't boredom, maybe it's knowing that it isn't what I want.

But it's what I need.

Rora came with no real baggage, she has a kid but in all honesty, Alicia wasn't a problem and she likes me, Jamie is the best guy in the world because he brings toys.

No emotional baggage though, nothing to add to the growing pile that I have on my shoulders.

I know why I like Rora though, she doesn't fight me. What I say goes and it sucks to like that about someone, she was a pushover.

_Her_ on the other hand, she fights me about everything. Merlin, I could say that her hair is blonde and she'd go against me, saying it's not and then go out and change the damn colour of her hair just to prove that she's right. There's nothing that she won't fight about and there's nothing she won't do to prove me wrong.

And fuck me if it didn't make me more attracted to her.

That's just us, that's what we do. We fight. And a majority of the time we make up.

_It had been four years, four years exactly, right down to the day. Four years we'd been best friends. Four years since I met her on that train._

_I walked all the way down to the Slytherin dungeons, thanking Merlin that I managed to sneak my dad's cloak from his office so I could get to these scummy dungeons unscathed. I knew how much Lee hated roses, she thought they were stupid and didn't understand how a woman could feel so loved simply by someone giving them flowers._

_That's why I'm trying my damned hardest not to ruin them on the way to see her._

_I get to the portrait, whisper the password and get in._

_I saw her straight away, the flickering of the fireplace made her stand out even more and I had to hold in a laugh, wondering if she sat in the position just to look dramatic. Her hair was out, long and silky and I loved to run my fingers through it. I'd been lucky enough to be able to do that lately._

_She clung to her jersey and pulled up the hood, her jeans although skinny jeans looked loose. I'd noticed she hadn't been eating._

_I pulled the cloak off and smiled at her, her head darted in my direction and she sniggered when she saw the flowers. "I don't want them," she said quietly._

_I snorted and rushed over to her; I bent down and kissed her on the cheek. "Happy best friend anniversary!" I said to her, thrusting the flowers in her direction._

_She took them from me, sniffed them and threw them in the fire. Without a second thought._

_I stepped back and tried to hold back how pissed off I was at her for doing that, sure, I knew she didn't like them but you don't have to fucking throw them in the fire! "What the fuck Lee!" I snapped._

_She shrugged and pulled her knees up to her chest; she put her cheek against her knee and ignored me. _

_I stood there and sighed, something was up. Something was way off. Something wasn't right. It was just fucking like her to start a scene, she'd ignore me until she exploded and she'd end up slapping me or punching me to provoke me._

_She'd want me to hit her back. I won't._

"_Lesath, what's wrong. Do you want to go back out to the lake tonight?" I asked._

_She snorted and her face turned to look at me, she glared for a bit before speaking. "Why would you take me when you could take Kaya?"_

_I froze. I hadn't told her that Kaya said yes, I hadn't told her anything about Kaya. We didn't speak about Kaya when we had sex last week, taking each other's virginity._

_Yeah, I can see why she might be pissed._

_I should get on my hands and knees now and fucking beg but I don't. "Lee, look, I'm sorry." But she leaps up and slaps me._

"_You didn't tell me you were with her! You didn't even mention her when you fucked me for the first time! You," and now she grabs my face, her nails digging into my cheeks, "Told her that you and I were nothing, you told her that you and I were barely friends!" a single tear fell from her eye and it scared me, Lesath never cried._

_I didn't know what to tell her and I didn't know what I should say next, she was right, I did tell Kaya those things. "I only said that so she'd go out with me. She said she wouldn't have if you and I were close!" _

_Weak._

_She laughs without humour and keeps a hold of my face before shoving it away and slapping me again. That was enough, I had fucking had it with her hitting me. I grabbed on to her hair and twisted it, wrapping my hand up in it and pulling her closer. She didn't care though, she smiled. "You're a lot of things James, but I didn't think you were a liar. You always said I was enough for you, why would you lie to her?"_

_I pull her head closer now, her lips were only a centimetre away from mine and I could practically taste the sweetness of her lips. "You know how long I've been waiting to be with her, Lee, I was caught up in the moment."_

"_Seriously James, this is the most fucked up thing you've ever done. You hurt me for some girl? I thought we were best friends!" she said, her eyes were pleading. It was like she was begging. I hated it._

_I whimper. "I'm sorry Lee; I didn't mean to hurt you. They were just words, I didn't mean them. They just came out."_

_I let go of her hair and fall onto my knees, I didn't want her to see me like this but it had to happen. I couldn't lose my best friend. "When we had sex, what did you feel?"_

_I knitted my eyebrows and I felt confused. "I don't know, it was good."_

_She snorts. "For you maybe."_

_I sigh and run a hand through my hair, why was she bringing this up? "I was happy, I was glad it was with you. I always wanted it to be you."_

_She looks away from me now, "Did you feel like we were more than friends?"_

_I nod, "I always feel like we're more than friends."_

_She sniffs and wipes away a tear. "Then why would you hurt me?" she whispered and she walked away leaving me on my knees in the Slytherin Dorm._

That memory was one of six crucial moments that destroyed our everything, our very beings and beat down our friendship. Six painful memories and six final moments that fucked us from the inside out.

I feel Rora stretch and then sigh in content, she must have woken, my noisy thoughts keeping her up. "Are you ok?" she says sleepily.

No. "Yeah, just can't sleep."

She yawns.

_Her_ and I barely used to sleep when we were together, we'd stay up until the sun came up just talking about shit. Utter bullshit. But we liked it and it kept us entertained. Our favourite thing to talk about was what we'd do when we finally got a cottage on the beach. That's all we ever wanted, that stupid crappy cottage on the beach. As long as we had firewhiskey we would be fine, no need to eat and no need to leave the house. We'd stay there until we withered and died—her wording—not mine.

"Maybe you should go for a walk to ease your mind?" Rora suggested.

I nodded. "Maybe I should," I said as I kissed her temple.

She giggled as my hand traced over her hip and to the small of her back. "I'll be here when you get back," she murmured.

Yes, she'd still be in _my_ house lying in _my_ bed when I got back.

I slowly got out of the bed, not wanting to fully disturb Rora and I crept out of the room, making sure not to get my parents' attention.

I got into the lounge and found a basket of clothing that mum had done but not put away, I managed to find some jeans but no shirt.

I was shirtless and thoughtless, mostly brainless because out of total fucking impulse I apparated on the spot.

I looked at the door of a familiar house, scoping out the fences and the hedges. Right now I could do with a broom as I can't apparate over the hedges. I'd have to climb.

I know why my thoughts were short and abrupt; it had something to do with the day. Once a very important day this was. Actually, to me, it's still important.

First kiss, first time having sex, first time sneaking alcohol into school. All three of these things done on this particular day in different years.

How can I not appreciate this day?

I notice the terraces along the fence where Astoria's prized roses sit but I shove my need to respect her roses out of my mind and start roughly up the fence. If my memory serves me right _she'll_ be out the back of her house. She always liked to be outdoors when the clock struck midnight marking the day. She'd be sitting somewhere outside.

The fence wasn't so hard to climb, it wasn't tall and believe me when I say I've tried to jump higher things in my life, the simple concrete fence into Malfoy Manor was nothing to me, and it's not like I hadn't done it before.

I get into the huge grounds with a hard thump and a heavy fall but I stand up without a mark, I was getting cold though—my own fault thanks to my lack of thinking—and decide to hurry and find her.

I stop and try and listen to see if maybe I could sense her. Stupid thought on my behalf.

I run, literally run, and try and find her maybe lurking in the trees. That would seem like something she would do right? If she had proper shoes and gloves and other things that would keep her from getting dirty.

She wasn't out here. How strange.

I remember where they kept an old ladder behind the shed. I knew this house reasonably well, I knew that her parents slept downstairs and she slept upstairs. I knew which window was hers and how she never locked it in case an owl had to get to her.

Merlin, I just knew too much.

I heaved the ladder from behind the shed and it was like I was doing things on auto. I wasn't thinking any of this through yet I was doing it, everything I had done in the last thirty minutes wasn't me. It was just my body.

I was in a desperate search for her and I had to find her.

I had to make things better; I didn't like her not talking to me. I didn't like her telling me to leave her house the last time I was here.

I had hurt her so much she didn't want to see me, told me she wasn't sure when she wanted to see me next.

Not sure she wanted to see me at all.

But I'd be fucked if I didn't see her tonight, we always spent this day together no matter what and I wasn't going to let some stupid mistakes keep me from breaking tradition.

These thoughts distracted me and before I knew it I was already half way up the ladder, I could see the railings of her bed, the top of her drawer.

I didn't know if I should see her, I wanted to but she might not have wanted to see me.

No, definitely not. Not after the last time I was here and fucked her like I'd never fuck again.

Rough and loving all in one fucking go.

And it brought me to the second of six ending memories.

"_I don't think we should see each other—like this—again James," she said to me._

_That in itself was fucking torture._

_She was sprawled out on _my_ bed, draped in _my_ clothes and she was telling me that we shouldn't see each other like _this?

_I shook my head. "What do you mean?" _

_She snorts. "Why are _you _doing this? This whole sleeping-with-me-even-though-our-boyfriend-and-girlfriend-are-dead-thing? I'm doing this because I need it, the distraction. But why are you doing it?"_

_That was the only reason why she was sleeping with me? Because she needed the distraction? "You need a distraction?" I hiss._

_Her face drops as she looks at me and I could tell she didn't know what to say. Her mouth opens and closes in search for the right words but she fucked up, seriously fucked up. "You can't tell me that you're doing this for other reasons," she says while shifting on top of my blankets uneasily._

_I was trying hard, so fucking hard not to get angry about it but I couldn't help it. Throughout my relationship with Kaya all I'd think about was Lee. And now that they're gone I loved her even more, made me see that I was lost without her, I didn't need anyone else. And hell, fuck me if the past three months haven't been perfect. Just me and her, just like it was when we were younger._

_But this time there wasn't the fights, this time there wasn't the hitting and the yelling. Three months without it._

"_You really think I'm doing this just for the distraction too?" I hiss._

_She seems to sink in further into the bed, "Yes," she whispers._

_I snort. "It's because I love you. That's why I'm doing this, it's because I love you and I love being with you and hell, I even love you when you're being a complete and utter bitch!"_

_She shakes her head, "Don't say that; don't lie."_

_My eyes widen and I hold myself back from slapping the truth into her. She sits up and pulls a t-shirt over her naked body, "I'm not lying! How can you sit there and say that all of this," I gesture from me to her, "Is just a distraction? It's never been a distraction!"_

_She starts to pull her knickers over her legs and a part of me starts to ache with the knowledge that she's about to leave me. I wanted to beg her not to go and to stay with me but I couldn't. "You don't love me," she murmurs._

_I slam my fist against the bed, "Fuck Lesath, I just told you I do! Have you ever said it to me?"_

_She shakes her head slowly. "No."_

"_And why fucking not?"_

_She sighs. "Because I just can't James, and you shouldn't love me."_

_She was so fucking infuriating. She never wanted me to be with anyone else, I didn't want to be with anyone else, we were fucking content in our own little bubble but here she is, giving me fucking cryptic messages. "Oh and why is that?"_

"_Because I bring out the fucking worst in you, you continually tell me that you don't want to be the guy who handles his girlfriend roughly, you don't want to be the guy who lets his best friend push him so far to the edge that he retaliates. How can I keep letting you be that guy when it's not what you want!" she spits._

_Sure, I didn't want to be that guy. I didn't want to keep hurting her. But if it meant I got to keep her then I'd be anything. "I don't want you to leave me, I can't handle it."_

"_I'm not _leaving_ you James, it's just better. It's what you want."_

"_No, I want you," I moan._

_Lee sighs. "You don't, you want to be a better man. And I'd hold you back."_

"_But I love you."_

_She exhales loudly and opens her mouth but nothing comes out. "I know."_

_I roll my eyes, she couldn't even tell me she loved me, she couldn't say it. Maybe she didn't. "You don't love me?" I say._

_She shakes her head. "No it's not that…"_

"_What is it then?" I snap._

"_I can't."_

_I wanted to shake her, shake her hard and long until she snapped out of whatever this was, she was fucking me off, she was leaving me all alone here without her and I didn't know how to cope. She'd been so ingrained in everything I did these days that I didn't know what I'd do without her. "Why are you leaving me?" I asked._

"_I told you, I'm not leaving you! I'm just ending this!" she says and she points from me to her. She takes a deep breath, "Fucking believe me when I say I don't want this to end James, but I have to. Since third year—the first time we really fought—you've been saying you don't like what you've become. You don't like that you've hit a girl and you keep saying you're just lucky because I can handle it. But I hit you too James, I provoke you. But back then it was just you and me, all those girls you snogged, they never mattered and they weren't anything to me. But then there was the one, the one you couldn't have and you fought so hard for her. I didn't mind because I thought it was just a phase, I thought that maybe she'd just keep brushing you off until you got tired of it and give up. But knowing that you wanted another girl so bad fucked me off. That's when Quentin came in. _

"_But fuck James, with them it just got harder because you experienced life with her and you realized that it wasn't everyone that made you angry, it wasn't everyone that you wanted to hit, and not everyone hit you back. It was just me. Life with her was nicer for you and life with him was nicer for me. But the secret meetings between you and I? They weren't fucking good. Why did you keep our meetings up James? Why?"_

_I looked at her, tears rolling down her face and onto her t-shirt. She was so vulnerable sitting there on my bed, nothing but her barely-there clothes on. Why did I keep them up? Because I loved her. "You're right Lee, life was easier when I was with her, but she wasn't you. She didn't have the same mind, the same chain of thought, she didn't enjoy the same things as me and she couldn't truly understand me when I was pissed off. She didn't want to stay huddled up in bed all day and she hated it when I used to party. She didn't want to sneak out in the night and she didn't want to whisper all day. That was shit I could only do with you, I couldn't do it with her."_

_She nods. "But every time you'd sneak to me it would push me over the edge and I'd hate you for making me second best. And I'd hit and scratch you and you'd do the same back. And I knew it was because we missed each other. The more I hurt you the more I knew I was getting back at you for leaving me. _

"_How could I blame you for wanting something healthier? I did it, I chose Quentin because he was easy. But I needed you because you were all that I ever fucking knew. We had that big fight, the one about Kaya and you couldn't even look at me after what you did to me. You started crying, James and you told me you didn't want to be like that anymore. And now they're dead and look at us, we're lying in this bed every night as if nothing's ever wrong. This is wrong!"_

_Her blonde hair shakes around her as she clenches her fists so hard. Her silver eyes held more in them than I'd ever seen and right now I wouldn't mind plunging head first from a cliff if I knew it would help her. "What's wrong about this?" I ask, my voice breaking as I try not to burst with tears all over her._

"_They're dead and we didn't even give a second thought about them when we sleep together. They were the people that showed us what a normal relationship should be."_

"_No! We're not normal though Lee, don't you see? This is what we are, if people can't accept that then fuck them," I move over to the edge where she's sitting. I brush my lips on her neck and dot kisses on her jaw, trying to show her that I don't need anything else. I just need her. "You and I are like this, we fight and we make up! We made fucked up decisions about being apart but we don't have to be anymore, we can be together!"_

_She sighs and slumps into my arms. "No, can't you see? We're only like that _together _we're better people when we're apart."_

"_I can't be apart from you!" I say against her skin._

_She pushes me off her and stands up. "We have to be if we want to be good people."_

"_No, don't go!" I beg as she starts walking away._

"_You think that you've let yourself become this evil person James, but you haven't. I saw that when you were with Kaya, you were just a normal person. It wasn't you James; I've turned you into this. It was all me."_

Back then I didn't know how serious it would all turn out.

I push open her window roughly and I can make out her figure under the blankets, why was she in bed? She should be out, enjoying the evening, making the most of this day.

I don't think I'd been so nervous in a long time, I was never nervous around her. Being around her was always so fucking normal I'd walk around naked in front of her and act as though I was fully clothed. I know this for a fact. I'd done it before.

I could barely make out the shape of her body in the crap lighting and the fact that she's slumped under blankets. But I didn't need to see her body in order to know it's perfect form.

"What are you doing here? Come to find out if I enjoyed my day?" she said clearly.

My chest hurt as she spoke.

_Her eyes glaze over as I un-sexily remove my shirt. She gulps loudly and I smirk. "Remember, you initiated this Lee, you can end it at any time."_

_She starts wringing her hands and attempts to smirk back at me. "Hell no, you're not getting out of it that quickly."_

_My blood seems to be flowing very slowly in every area apart from my cock because I notice how tight my jeans are getting._

_I'd never seen such pale skin; every single part of her was pale from the tops of her tits to her inner thighs, all equally as creamy._

_Lee's lips were smooth, her arms were smooth and her cheeks were smooth. But that was nothing compared to the flat a smooth surface of her stomach. It was fucking delectable and I wanted all of it._

_And before I knew it her knickers were off and she wore the biggest smirk I'd ever seen. "And I hope your dick's like that because of me."_

_Hell yeah it was._

Why was I only blessed with good memories after I saw her? Why was I enveloped in her vanilla smell. And why did I fall for her every single fucking time I saw her?

She flicks her wand at the light and it sparks up, flickering a bit then becoming steady.

She sighs as I stand there—shirtless—and staring at her. She flings back her blanket and she looks royally pissed off but she wasn't sleeping. If she had been sleeping she'd be trying to kill me right now, she wouldn't have wasted her time slowly getting out of bed.

She sits on the edge of her bed gawking at me but it takes me a while to take in what she's wearing.

Which is fuck all to begin with.

Lacy green material frames her tits, those edible breasts that I love. The weight, the feel. Everything was framed perfectly in that green lace.

Lacy underwear too. Sinking between her legs.

I hold back a groan as I watch her add a cigarette into the mix, she places it in between her pout and lights it with the tip of her wand. "I don't think you should be here James." She says when she eventually pries her eyes from mine.

I shake my head, "I had to see you," I mumble.

She nods. "Without a shirt?"

"I got lost."

I snort to myself at my stupid reply. "You got lost in your own house?" she says while rolling her eyes.

No, in my thought of you! "No, my mind… I was confused."

"Sure."

She exhales loudly and the smoke mingles through the window. It was an attractive smell. "Why are you smoking?"

She didn't smoke. When she was annoyed she'd smoke or if real angry. I guess she was both. I'd used her roughly and she didn't like that yet she let it happen. "You know why."

She runs a free hand through her hair and then adjusts her bra roughly, watching her tits squash from side to side didn't help me at all.

Not at all.

I move closer to her bed, "Lee, I'm sorry," I say as I reach one of the posts of her bed but she holds up a hand to me. Her eyes snap up to look at me and they were sparkling.

Tears.

"Don't come any closer. I don't want you too," she hisses.

I nod. "Ok, I won't."

She sighs then places the smoke between her lips again, taking a drag. "I told you not to come."

I nod. "I know."

Her eyes drop and she coughs. "I was with Lorcan," she says quietly.

Scamander? She was willingly with Lorcan Scamander? "Oh yeah?" I say while raising an eyebrow. She was trying to make me jealous.

She laughs to herself. "That's what I said, so yes, I guess it's true," she says and her eyes darken.

My breath hitches in my chest when she shifts easily on her bed, leaning back and stretching her long body. Her chest jerking backwards towards her face. "Do you… I don't know. Want to go out?"

She lifts her arms above her head and then slowly lowers them to her hair and strokes it. "I want what I want. I should get what I want. I told you I didn't want you here."

"You should always get what you want. And you always do," I tell her. She may not want me here but I wanted to be here with her.

She shakes her head while staring at her cigarette. "Why exactly are you here? Is it the guilt or the date?"

Guilt. "Nine years straight spending this day with you lovely," I even wink at her.

"So you don't feel guilty about what you did to me?" she says with a sly smile.

I felt more than guilty, I'd used her to fulfil things I couldn't do with Rora, I used her because I _knew_ I could.

I used her because I _wanted_ her.

I exhaled. "I do."

She nods and stubs out the smoke on her drawer, burning the wood slightly and she glares at me. I owed her, big time. I move slowly towards the bed and the look she gives me is like she doesn't want me to come any closer but if this is true, she's not saying anything. "James," she warns.

I get onto my knees when I make it to her bed and I crawl over to her, "Don't you want me to make it up to you?" I ask.

Her face hardens. "Make what up?"

I stop crawling towards her and stare. "What the hell? What about what I did to you?"

She snorts and roughly adjusts her bra so I can get a good eyeful and want to shove my face into them. "As if I can't handle it."

Her legs slightly part and I'm not sure if she's doing it on purpose or not. "Do you often sleep in your underwear?" I ask.

She smirks. "Get off my bed James."

I nod. "See, you don't want me here because of the last time."

"I don't want you here because you have a fucking girlfriend."

Touché. "I don't want to think about it."

She smacks her lips like she always does when she's trying to annoy me. "You don't hurt me James, you never do."

I roll my eyes, "You don't have to be like that, admit it when I hurt you Lee, fuck. I know I fucked up!" I snap.

"I enjoyed it."

Whatever, she was fucking lying. I had hurt her and now I wanted to show her I could be gentle. "Let me make it up to you Lee," I say quietly as I crawl up to her.

She stays rigid and flat and as I place my lips on her neck she doesn't even move. My fingers trail up her smooth and silky legs and I know, right in this moment, that there's nothing I'd like to be doing more than lying here with her even if she's being as stubborn as a bitch.

There was something about Lesath that couldn't be ignored. Her body wasn't something that you'd ever experience until you've seen it bare and in the flesh. She was fleshy in all the right places and the way she moved was smooth and gentle. It wasn't until she opened her mouth where the harshness and roughness in her came out. She was alluring and erotic and there wasn't anything that I loved more than her while she was desperate, willing and begging.

Was I sick to love her the way I do?

I never used to be like that, I used to want to worship her and ignore my own needs.

I lick her neck, nipping it and all that other shit I know she likes but it was just like her to act as though it didn't make an effect on her. Her face stayed glued to the ceiling and my hand met it's favourite place. Her pussy was nothing I'd ever tasted. I loved it; I could spend days with it.

My tongue found her ear and she turned away as I licked it but that didn't stop her from lifting her hips to meet my hand that was slowly rubbing up and down her lace covered slit. "You like that?" I tease.

"No."

Smirking I make my way down the bed and between her legs, as I parted her legs she didn't fight back so I took that as a good sign. I pulled down the weak lace and stared at a moment, it had been two weeks and three days since I'd seen this body. Before that it had been four months, three weeks and six days since I had seen this body. I ran my hand firmly up and down her, not wanting to ever forget how perfect she was, relishing the touch of her and slightly stressing about how long it might be before I get to see this perfection again.

She pulled me in with everything about her, I fucking hated it. I didn't want her to have this hold over me but when she's laid out like this how could she not?

When I was addicted to everything about her including her perfect pussy.

I was like a man starved when I plunged my tongue in between her, moaning against her when I felt her jerk against me and I laughed, proud of myself for breaking the shield she had up.

"Do that again," she commanded and I moaned to see if that was what she meant. "Fuck yes!"

Her knees slammed against my head, driving me wild and helping me plunge deeper into her, if I didn't control myself I was sure my entire being would become one with this crazy woman. A part of me hoped that I would.

She gripped my hair and snarled. "Fingers," she hissed.

I know I wanted to make it up to her; I wanted to please her but her eager demands made me want to pull away and leaving her panting on the bed.

I wanted to leave her begging for more, achingly unsatisfied and terribly fucking annoyed. I could do this, I had the control and no amount of her bossing me around could take that away from me.

The way my fingers easily slid in almost made me flip her over and shove myself into her straight away but I had the control, I could do whatever I wanted.

Her smell was intoxicating, her taste was familiar and I loved it. My tongue was getting strained but my warm slippery fingers were pushing her over the edge. Her knees kept slamming as I made Queen Bitch unravel under me.

She started bucking against my face, her spasms shaking the entire bed and I felt more than smug. I'd done what she wanted. I'd treated her kindly.

The guilt still remained.

I slowly pulled my hand out and licked them clean. Keeping my eyes away from hers just in case I saw something I didn't want to.

The look she gave me whenever I left.

I move back towards her head and I lean in to kiss her, "Don't."

I roll my eyes. "Why not?"

"That's disgusting."

I laugh against her neck. "You did it last time," I tell her but I know I shouldn't have brought it up. Last time was the reason why I'm lying here trying to please her.

"You're right," is all she says.

I nuzzle her breasts and try to get her to forget the reason why she'd allowed me to kiss her after I'd eaten her out.

I'd told her that Rora wouldn't do it either which then made her want to do it.

My hand sits heavily on her warm pussy and she clamps her legs together. "If you want to do me a favour, you'll let me lead."

Watching her spread out like that—her legs slightly parted and waiting to be filled—made my mouth water. I swallow down my spit. "I-I-I oh shit, I don't fucking know," I say.

I wasn't going to think of Rora, not today.

She shoves at my shoulder and grips the wrist of the hand between her soft legs and I groan at her forcefulness. She doesn't kiss me, she doesn't smile it's like she was in another zone. She wasn't fully here.

Having experienced a lot of things that I'd deemed untouchable territory, I know what she's up for and what she's not up for.

Oral sex from her end was untouchable.

Having her on her knees before me was untouchable.

She claimed both those things to be degrading, for a woman to kneel before a man was something she wouldn't do.

But by Gods she was doing it.

I shook my head as she reached for my buckle. "Get up," I said while stroking her head.

She pursed her lips together and undid the button. "No."

My eyebrows knitted as I looked at her, what the fuck was she playing at? "Lesath, I'm not going to let you do this," I insisted.

The zip came down, her tits pressed together. She laughed. "No," she said sternly.

My hands found her hair and twisted; I rolled my hands up to ball her hair and pull her head up to look at me. "Don't do this to yourself Lesath."

"Rora won't do this."

And before I could argue back her tongue licked the tip of my aching dick, softly and gently tasting the pre cum. Her eyes looked up to mine and I didn't recognize her.

As much as I wanted her to stop, I didn't have enough will power to do it. Instead I lapped it up.

Animalistic instincts kicked in before I could say anything else but I was still angry. My grip tightened in her hair and I shoved her head back as she pumped my dick with a steady hand. "You do this and you'll never be able to fucking take it back you hear?" I hiss. "I don't want to hear you bitch or complain about it, if it's done it's done, Lee, you did it!"

She groans as she roughly shoves my dick all the way back into her throat. Her lips were always so perfect, the shit she could do with her tongue in my mouth was exemplary… but around my dick.

It was perfect.

She pumped harder and harder, her tongue slowly moved down the underside of my dick before she moved upwards again and nipped my sensitive tip. "Fuck…" I hissed.

She looked up to me and I'd be a liar if I said she didn't give me a smug smile.

She was fucking crazy and the more I watched her jerk me off the crazier she seemed.

She pulled away from me briefly, "She doesn't do this does she?"

I just shook my head, cursing her internally for removing her mouth from my dick.

She moved upwards along my body, her tits resting on my chest then my mouth. Her pussy sliding against my stomach.

Before I know it she's straddling my face and grinding her clit on my teeth. My tongue found it's favourite spot and licked up as much of her as I could, if I could I'd drink her all up. "More, lick me more."

I did as I was told, this was supposed to be about her and no matter how strained my dick was or how much I wanted to fuck her. She pulled away from me and left me feeling like a kid who had just had their favourite toy stolen from them.

And fuck me if she didn't forcefully slide her pussy down my chest.

And fuck me if she didn't eat at my mouth, tasting herself and moaning at the flavour before licking the trail she'd left.

And as my tongue was sucked into her mouth she reached down and pumped me a few times more. "Fuck, Lee, I need you," I moaned but my voice broke, leaving me weak and vulnerable in front of her.

Her eyes were so dark I didn't even recognize her as she ran her tongue along my chest. Her hands were weak against my nipples and her voice was shaky as she spoke. She coughed a bit then started nipping at my skin. "She won't do this with you James," she said quietly.

I threw my head back as she quickly got onto her knees and straddled my dick that hadn't got any properly attention in a while. She jumped up and down on me and I hadn't felt so complete in a while. Her perfect tits bouncing up and down under that lace was enough to push me off the edge and spill inside her. I thrust upwards trying not to be rough but not being able to hold back. I felt her clench around my dick and I shook my head. "I'm gonna-I'm gonna…" I say but she smirks.

She rolls off me and immediately her left hand finds my balls and her mouth licks her wetness off my dick. "I love the taste of me," she says.

I nod in agreement and try to hold myself in. "I love it too."

"I taste good don't I James?" she says as she slowly licks me like an ice-cream.

"The best," I say roughly.

She pulls away briefly to reposition herself but I couldn't handle it. I get up on my knees and place my hand behind her head to roughly her bring her back to my lonely dick.

My hands love the feel of her hair and I tangle myself in it as I move her head backwards and forwards roughly against my dick, her lips applying pressure in all the right fucking places. "I'm going to…" I say as I let go of her hair and try to pull out of her mouth but her hand tightens on my balls.

She doesn't let go of my dick. "In me James," she says and she pushes against me harder.

I start to spill, it starts coming out but she moves quicker than I ever thought possible and she's looming above me, the sweet feel of her pussy sliding over my dick.

Her mouth finally meets mine, after what seems like an eternity of being apart, our mouths were finally reunited and I loved it, she swallowed harshly when we finally pulled apart and I knew she was swallowing some of me. Making me love her even more and everything about her, I didn't want to forget the taste of her sweet pussy and her loving mouth.

I slump backwards with her still on top of me and myself still in her but I was afraid to look at her now that I finally had my mind back. I was scared of what I'd find.

Sure enough, I prove myself right and I wish I had kept my fucking eyes closed because her lips were red and swollen from sucking me off and shoving my dick in there.

Yes, her mouth wasn't right, it was torn up but that had nothing on her eyes.

I couldn't tell if there were tears, maybe it was just the lighting.

She slowly moved off me and I felt lonelier than ever.

I look over at her and she looks fucking pissed off, her hands were clenched and her eyebrows knitted, I knew it would be a matter of time before she attacks me and I guess I deserved it. She was never into that sort of thing but I had challenged her last time and she'd never give up a challenge, hell no. She did things until she won.

And she had won, but at the same time she'd done something she didn't want to.

She snarls.

"I'm sorry," I mutter.

She snorts. "Stop saying that, it's getting old. And if you were truly fucking sorry you'd stop doing this shit."

"What can I do?" I ask slowly.

"I just want one thing tonight James," she says croakily.

I sigh. "Yeah?"

"I did all that so you wouldn't go. Don't leave me."

_I was lucky to have such a fucking hot best-friend who was up for anything. My heart was beating faster than I'd ever felt, they say that when you have a heart-attack your heart starts beating irregularly. That must be what's happening._

_She cocks an eyebrow and she looks annoyed. "Look, James, if you don't want to do it then we don't have to. No pressure mate," she says and she leans onto one hip._

_Her skin was shiny tonight, hell; I hated having these weird feelings about her. She was just my friend. _

_Why did I keep waking up in the morning with a boner and visions of her in my mind? It creeped me out._

_She sighs and taps her watch. "James, I'm being bloody serious. We'll just find other people to do it with," she says while she flicks her silky hair._

_Since when was her hair silky?_

_I shake my head. No, I didn't want to do this with anyone else. It was always her that I wanted to do it with. "No," I say instead. "If we do it with other people then they'll know that we've never snogged before," I say as my cover up._

_I didn't want her to know I wanted her to be my first kiss because her lips were so fucking delicious and smelt like vanilla._

_She grins. "Well come on then, don't keep me waiting hot-stuff," she says and she winks._

_I hope she didn't hear my groan._

_She takes the first step, she always led the way and her hands rest on my hips. I swear I feel her fingers sliding and playing just under my shirt. "Lee, wait…" I say._

_What if she didn't like it?_

_What if I was bad?_

_What if it was so shit she didn't want to be my friend anymore?_

_She laughs and I feel her breath on my lips. "At this moment, I think for once you should channel your inner-Harry-Potter and get some balls, because seriously, I'll be so fucked off if you don't snog me."_

_And that was enough to make me crush my lips to hers._

_At first it was rough and I was pretty sure I was eating her face but somehow her soft lips parted and her tongue edged in slowly._

_Merlin, she even _tasted_ like vanilla._

_My hands which were drooping at my sides made their way up to her soft hair, and it was silky. It really was like silk. I stroked it, long strokes all the way to her mid back and she groaned against me as my tongue met hers._

_Slowly and painfully she began to pull away, but even then I didn't want it to end so I planted a small kiss on the corner of her mouth._

_She smiled at me and reached behind me to smack my arse. "Well Potter, that was good."_

"_Yeah, it was alright," I say with a smirk. It was more than alright. It was fucking brilliant._

"_Now we're not the only ones in third year to not have got some action."_

_I smile at her while I bring her into my arms. "You're officially the best friend ever!" I tell her._

_And that was the truth._

_She smiles at me and licks her lips, "Hey Potter, you taste good," she says while running her tongue slowly across her bottom lip as I walk backwards towards the castle, watching her closely and feeling that tug in my pants._

_I groan and yell back to her, "Hey Malfoy, Happy Birthday!" I call._

_She sniggers, "You weren't what I wanted for my present, Potter. But you didn't disappoint," she says with a wink._

I didn't ever want to leave her.

And that was because she was the one.

I was a fucking fool to think otherwise.

So I held on to her angry body, she was rigid all over but it was like my punishment.

I thrived off her anger, I thrived off her happiness.

But it was her weakness that pulled me down.

What happens when the strongest person you know isn't strong anymore?

"Happy Birthday babe," I murmur.

She smiles against me. "I love you."


	6. Chapter Six

**Authors note: I'm sorry if you're reading this and wondering where my "The Rough Times of One Rose Genevra Jean Weasley" update is, I haven't finished it and I'm not at home to finish it as I'm away for work. This one is finished hence the reason why I'm updating this one.**

**READ AND REVIEW!**

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><p><em>Being good isn't always easy, no matter how hard I tried. When he started sweet talking to me, he'd tell me everything is alright. He'd kiss me and tell me everything was alright.<em>

"No, stay," he begs me.

I giggle as I pull my singlet over my bra, he made me smile. Smiling was good.

Smiling was _good_.

I shake my head though, "No, I have to go. You have to go too," I tell him.

He pouts his lips and grabs on to my hand as I pull the blankets over him. "Stay with me Lesath, we'll stay in bed all day… I'm sure my mum has made pancakes… we can eat pancakes!" he moans.

I frown at his choice of words. He wanted to stay in bed all day with _me_?

"I don't know…" I say.

His eyes falter, "You don't like pancakes?"

He made me laugh, he was so innocent. "No, it's not the pancakes. I love pancakes."

"It's my mum isn't it?"

"No, it's not your mum. I'd love to stay it's just not…" what? What was it?

Was it the guilt? Fuck yes it was the guilt.

The guilt and other things.

"It's just not the same?" he asks.

I nod, he was intuitive. "No it's not."

"You miss _him_ don't you?"

More than fucking missed _him_.

It had been two weeks and three days since I'd seen _him_, I'd been having major withdrawals and I didn't know what to do. This morning I felt as though I could vomit at any second because I missed him so fucking much.

Disgusting behaviour of course, I relied on him too much.

I was having vivid visions of _her_ legs wrapped around _his_ hips.

I sigh and I lean into Lorcan, he stroked my hair and it was easy like this, "I'm sorry Lor," I mumble.

He laughs, "No it's fine. Happy I could help."

And I shudder when I think about the way he helped me. But as I think about the sex I had with Lorcan all I can think about is Rora wrapped around _his_ hips.

"You're a good kid you know?"

He kisses my forehead and passes me my knickers, blush creeping up his face. "I'll see you at the office yeah?" he says.

I take a deep breath, "I think I might take the day off," I say.

And just like that I immediately hate myself.

My dad always said that you should never rely fully on anyone as they would lead you astray.

I guess he meant that in a sense that when grandfather lead dad to the Dark Lord, it fucked him over.

I know that James wouldn't take me to a person that was out to potentially kill me if I did wrong. But at the same time, there a moments where I feel as though I could take to myself with the _Avada_ just because I was weak.

Lorcan's hands roam down my sides and plays with the skin of my hips, I ground myself against him before rolling over and gently kissing his lips.

"How old are you, Lorcan?" I ask him.

He has a smug grin, "Nineteen as of last week."

I was only two years older than him as of two weeks ago but fuck me if I didn't feel ancient. I had enough troubles to last three lifetimes.

As I frown he moves his hands to find my face, "I can treat you better than him," he mumbles as he gently runs his thumbs over my cheek bones. Soft touches like this I both loved and loathed.

"I don't doubt that for a second."

"If I knew who he was I could help you you know. Just tell me who he is."

I smile at him, his blue eyes were beautiful and innocent, his blonde hair was almost as light as mine and his lean body was attractive.

But it didn't set a fire in me where all I wanted to do was jump him.

But I guess I hated that about James, how his everything would make me so angry that I'd want to just tear away at his bones.

I sat up again and eventually stood, I looked around Lorcan's small room, little things showing me that this guy was still a kid at heart and had never seen a harsh day in his life. I eventually found my denim shorts on a desk by his door and my wand was lying on the floor next to it.

I slipped on the shorts and shoved my wand in my pocket before turning to look at him. "Thanks."

He smiles and lifts a hand to wave. "Come back tonight will you? I'll plan something special if that's what you want."

I shake my head. "If I turn up, I turn up. If I don't, I don't."

He pouts and his eyes look sad. "You want to snuggle for a bit?"

No. "Ok," I say with the fakest smile I could muster.

I fell back into his arms and he did slow patterns on my hips, his fingers were gentle and shy. "You know I've never done this with a girl."

I smile to myself; he'd make some girl very happy one day. "You're not doing too bad."

He sighs and my hair flutters around my face. "I don't want to scare you, but I like you a lot."

I cringe internally, "You don't want to be stuck with someone like me," I tell him.

He laughs against my head. "You used to scare me at school. I think you may just be misunderstood."

It's obvious that this kid hasn't been taught what's good and what's not good to tell people. Telling a person like me that I'm merely misunderstood is something that should be kept to yourself. "I think you read people too closely."

He shrugs, "Maybe," he says quietly. "What does he have that I don't?" he asks.

I roll my eyes, "Lorcan, we've only been doing this for three weeks, it's not some bloody love affair!" I snap at him.

I didn't feel guilty about snapping but at the same time, I'm lying in the arms of a very sensitive boy. I should be nicer. "I know, I'm just curious."

What did he have? "Passion, his own identity. Too much love. Understanding. He's me. But he's himself. I don't know. He's me but a guy."

"I've noticed there's no one you love more than yourself. I hope you don't mind me saying that," he says happily.

This boy confused me.

I stood up and bent back down to kiss him softly on the lips, his back arched as he tried to get closer to me but I moved away. "You're wrong," I tell him and I watch him cock his head to the side. "I love one person more than myself."

"Who?"

"Him."

And I felt like a bitch as I apparated to my impending doom.

Looking at the field spread in front of me made me shudder. There was mud everywhere and it was about to rain, I didn't have a jacket or an umbrella and my feet were bare.

If my mother saw me she'd scream in shock because right now I felt as though I was homeless.

I step gingerly from side to side trying to avoid the feeling of damp grass and I stare up at the sky. It was hard to pick out which person on the brooms was him as they all looked like specks up in the air.

I was never one to play Quidditch but I was a girl with big aspirations and dreams. Dad always told me that Quidditch players were rich and attended many balls and functions so naturally, as a girl, I'd always wanted to marry one.

Apart from my hopeless dreams, I'd had some fairly good moments involving the game.

_I managed to make it all the way to the Gryffindor Common room without getting caught. It wasn't until I got to the staircase that I was met by someone. "Lee? Is that you?" said a familiar voice._

_James._

_I smile to myself, "No it's Voldemort," I tease and I hear him groan._

"_Don't say that," he moans. "Makes me think about my dad."_

_I giggle to myself as I take a step backwards allowing him to come fully down the stairs. "Fine, it's me."_

"_That doesn't make it any better, you're just as scary sometimes," he teases._

_As he stepped into the light I noticed he was carrying two brooms. I take a step back from him. "NO! No way! We're not going to play Quidditch are we?" I hiss._

_He laughs and I notice how good he looks. Why did he look so good? He didn't always look this good._

_I'd known him four years and he never _ever_ looked good._

_I swallow as I stare at him, track-pants on, singlet on, messy hair. Definitely NOT an attractive look. But he had decent arms now and his smile was always the same. My mum says it's a smile that wins you over and I always thought of that when I saw James._

_I cringe and shudder and James notices this because he first looks confused and starts laughing. "No, these brooms are our props."_

_Oh of course they were. "Why?"_

_He snorts. "How would you explain to McGonagall why we were sitting out on the pitch if we didn't have brooms?"_

_I rolled my eyes, we'd still get in shit whether we had brooms or not. "She's not going to go fucking easy on us just because we have brooms, Potter."_

_He chuckles and grabs my hand to kiss it before letting go and throwing his cloak over us, "Just follow me and stay close."_

_And like the idiot I am, I listen to this crazy guy._

_I start to get irritated as we hike up hill to the pitch. "I'm going to kill you if I get dirty!" I hiss at him._

"_Would you just stop bitching for a moment?"_

_I slap him hard underneath the cloak. "I'm not bitching, I'm just stating fact!"_

"_Well, could you just stop stating facts for a moment?"_

_I keep my mouth shut and continue following him on his escapade, eventually we make it to the pitch but I can't see a thing. "Oh great, now we're standing here in the bloody dark!"_

_I hear him sigh, pleasing me a bit as I know I've annoyed him. That's what he gets for dragging me through the dirt and dark just so I can watch him fly around or whatever it was that he had planned._

_He yanks off the cloak and points his wand in my face. "Just shut up!"_

_He trudges around in front of me, slumping his shoulders as though I'd pushed him over the edge and he points his wand to the middle of the pitch. "James?" I ask._

_He chucks the brooms on the ground and takes my hand, "You know Lee," he starts as he flicks his wand around, lighting candles all over the place. "You make it hard for me to be nice to you when all you do is complain."_

_And there it was, as clear as day. A picnic basket._

_I burst out laughing and so does he. "You've done something romantic?" I say through laughs._

_He nods, "I knew you'd like it!" _

_I smile at him and leap into his arms, my legs wrapping around his waist. "A picnic on the Quidditch pitch?"_

"_Better than the lake," he shrugs._

_I nod as I pull my head back, noticing that his hands were planted firmly on my ass. "You're so lame, James."_

"_Not as lame as you rhyming just then."_

_I smile at him and kiss his cheek. "What's this for?"_

"_I made you upset last week."_

_I briefly think about last week. How he'd come into the Slytherin dorm to celebrate our best-friend anniversary._

_Yeah, that didn't end up well._

_I kiss him again. "You're the best friend ever."_

"_I know," he says._

_I shake my head and push off him. "Bloody Git."_

My thoughts are interrupted when a big guy that I recognise as the Cannon's beater steps in front of me while I take my first step towards the pitch.

"Hello?" he asks.

I keep myself from rolling my eyes at this guy's choice of words and instead I flick my hair back. "Hi."

He gives a weak laugh, obviously thinking I must be some type of groupie trying to get into their changing rooms. "Who are you?" he asks.

I run my tongue over my teeth and immediately know this is a wrong move. His eyes follow my tongue. "I've come to see James," I tell him.

He grins at me. "Oh, Rora?"

My fists clench and I hold my breath. "No, Lesath Malfoy."

His eyes widen. "As in the girl who writes sports articles for The Prophet?"

"Yes, that's me."

He gives me a quick once over and looks confused. "The boys told me you're a suit and wear heels," he says sounding a little disappointed.

I sigh and run a hand through my hair, "Look…?" I don't know his name.

"Kevin," he says.

I nod, "Kevin. I really need to see James."

He turns around and points, "Look, he's coming now. You can talk to him."

I really want to say thanks but he didn't help me with anything. "Great."

I see him hovering just above the ground and I squint to see if it's really him. Sure enough I can see his messy hair and dirty clothing. That was him alright.

He jumps off his broom and grins at me, his arms wave around in the air with the broom still fully attached to his hands, it's not until he's within a metre of me before his smile falters and it looks as though he's about to run in the opposite direction.

He steps closer and I can smell his shampoo and mud all mixed into one. And hell, I wanted to hug it. Remember it. No matter how disgusting it was.

He frowns at me and his free hand gingerly reaches out to touch my collarbone, no he wasn't going to do this to me, so I take a step back and put my hands on my hips, smacking my lips together in irritation.

He shakes his head and looks at me with a tilt of his head. "When was the last time you ate?" he asks.

Two weeks and this is what he has to say? I try to keep myself from gawking at him but it doesn't work, my jaw goes slack and I stare. We'd spent a whole eleven hours together in normal bliss when he visited on my birthday and now he's asking me when I last ate?

Why was I so annoyed at this question? Because I seriously didn't know the answer.

I cough, buying time of course, and I try to conjure something up in my head. "Umm…"

My mother would be disgusted in my choice of words.

James smirks at me but his face still looks troubled and I'm glad that I've managed to make him worried. In a sick and twisted way, knowing that he's hurting makes me feel just that much more powerful.

Semi-invincible.

"Umm?" he asks.

I roll my eyes, "I've eaten today, ok?"

He shakes his head. "You're a bad liar. If you can give me the exact time and what you ate in ten-seconds, then I'll believe you."

My eyes widen as he starts counting down. "Umm," I mutter.

"Eight,"

I throw up my hands, "Fine! I don't know!" I hiss.

He laughs without humour. "I finish training in twenty-minutes. After that, we're eating," he says and he spins to walk away.

Making me feel as though I was standing there naked.

Guys stared at me, I was what my Grandmother would describe as _"Under dressed and indecently exposed"_ and she was right, I felt horrible and I didn't doubt that I _looked_ horrible but this is the sort of shit James Potter leads me to do.

Become a mediocre excuse for a woman.

I hold my arms, sighing as I glare at James' back and start tapping my foot on the grass.

If I had the balls I would have left.

"So you're the famous Lesath Malfoy?" a voice says behind me.

I spin on my heel and switch my glare from James to this guy. I recognise him as Frances Xavier, Keeper. "You never learnt to not sneak up on someone?" I spit.

He laughs and chucks his broom on the grass next to him. "Not sneaking if you alert them."

I roll my eyes and turn back to watch James; it was like a naggy habit.

The Frances guy chuckles again and steps into my peripheral vision as he stands at my side, "Lesath Malfoy right?" he asks again.

"Yes."

"I've heard a lot about you…" he says as though he wants me to ask about this.

"Great," I say shortly.

He sighs and clicks his knuckles. "Wow."

I roll my eyes, "You've read my interviews then?" that'd be the only way he'd heard of me.

He shakes his head as I turn to watch his face, it was ugly like a pug dog. "Never read the Prophet in my life," he tells me.

He didn't need to tell me, this boy was dumb. "Explain how you know me then would you?"

He points up at the sky. "You didn't need to turn around for me to know who you are, James gasses on about your hair so much any one of these blokes would know _that_ blonde from miles away," he says but he leans in closer, "But when I saw the eyes I was sold."

I frown and tighten my arms, what the hell was he saying? "What do you mean?" I hiss. Not at all happy about James talking to his mates about me.

His laugh is a bark as he slaps me on the back, I assume he thinks he hit me lightly but he didn't. "The kid talks about you. A lot. And I was there when he bought that brick of a ring; I can see why you wouldn't want to wear it all the time."

If my lips could clamp together any tighter they would and if I had been breathing at this moment I would have choked on the air because I was not prepared for that. "Excuse me?" I snap.

His eyes grow darker as he stares at me. "Shit," he says quietly. "He hasn't given it to you yet?"

I shake my head. "No."

No, he didn't give me anything. I didn't know he was buying a ring and I know that if he did buy a ring it wouldn't be for me.

It would be for Rora.

His mouth droops. "You're his girlfriend right? Girlfriend of two years. Baby to another guy, a little girl called Rora…"

Oh fuck no.

I clench my fists and try not to swing this guy one right now but it's hard and it's even harder trying to hold in my screams.

Anguish. Extreme but real. I felt total and utter anguish.

He was going to marry her, have cute little house with Alicia and several other Potter's and be happy.

I'd be stuck in Malfoy Manor with my parents.

And this poor guy before me, he'd messed up his story. He thought I was the girlfriend, he thought I had a kid and her name was Rora.

How sickening.

"No," I manage to mumble. I clear my throat and try again. "No, I'm just a friend, Rora is his girlfriend and she has a little girl called Alicia."

It's too fucking late though; my fists and the way my lips are pursed tell him he's fucked up. "Sorry," he says.

I shake my head even though I firmly believe that this guy should give up on life. "It's alright."

"It's true though. He talks about you."

I just nod. "Yeah."

"Yeah," he says and he raises his eyebrows. "Lesath this and Lesath that, it's easy to get confused about him when he's talking about you."

I try not to show how smug I feel at the moment.

Even though she's the one getting the ring.

Just thinking about it is making me feel sick again.

"I can see where that might get confusing."

"Well," he says as he turns slightly to look at me. "It was nice meeting you."

"Don't lie," I tell him as I hand him my right hand.

He doesn't know what to say so he says nothing at all and he walks away awkwardly. I continue to wait for my impending doom.

I was even less hungry than before.

How could I eat when I was so stressed? I didn't handle this well, I never have.

I'd never been able to handle James Potter.

_James frowns at me as I slowly make it across the pitch, I know, Grand final, Slytherin Versus Gryffindor, Captain in his fifth year, blah blah blah._

_I didn't want to bloody hear about it._

"_YOU DIDN'T COME!" he shouts at me across the pitch._

_I keep walking towards him, I didn't want to listen to his bullshit but I guess I had to. I was feeling faint, dizzy. I don't know I just didn't feel good. But I eventually made it to him and I folded my arms, "Observant aren't you?" I snigger._

_He glares at me. "What's your problem Lee?" he asks._

"_I have no problem," I say with a shrug._

"_Don't fucking lie to my face, you've been weird!" he hisses._

_My eyes turn to slits. "Whatever, I'm here now, stop bitching."_

_He shakes his head. "When did you eat last?" he asks._

_I open and close my mouth, knowing him he'd know the answer. "This morning."_

"_Bullshit. You ate three days ago. Why?"_

_I roll my eyes. "What? You've been stalking me have you?" I hiss._

_He nods, "Someone has to keep an eye on you, you haven't been fucking eating."_

"_As if you care!"_

_His eyes grow wide and he grips onto my shoulder. "I fucking care because whether or not you like it sweetheart, I love you and I don't like watching you do this to yourself!" he spits._

"_Don't touch me!" I tell him as I shrug out of his hold._

"_Why?" he asks me simply._

_I sigh. "I can't eat, I can't concentrate, I can't do anything because she's always there," I admit to him._

_He closes his eyes and exhales. "You can't go and stop your entire life because I'm with a girl Lee, that's not healthy."_

_I knew that, I knew I'd been fucking crazy, I hadn't eaten. I avoided his game. All because I was riddled with jealousy. "I just—fuck—I don't know, I can't handle it."_

_He lowers his gaze, staring at the ground now. "I don't like seeing you like this, but I'm happy. Don't make me choose," he mumbles._

_But just like that my vision turns blurry._

James smelt clean, he looked clean but he still looked sketchily from side to side as though our public outing was a bit too much for him. He wore a t-shirt and jeans with green Chuck Taylor's and he chuckled as he watched me switch my gaze from him to myself and turn red.

I felt hideous.

I folded my arms as we stood on the pitch alone and he wrapped me up in his arms. "Please, don't," I tell him but he does it anyways.

"What? I can't hold you?" he asks.

"You shouldn't."

So slowly he pulls away, "You're right. I'm probably making things worse right?"

I nod. "Clever aren't you?"

He smirks. "Smarter than you think."

"So?" I ask, not sure where we were going to progress to or what exactly we were doing. I didn't even know why I was here.

Oh that's right, it was the withdrawals.

He sighs and runs a hand through his wet hair. "Why aren't you eating?"

"Stress," I say simply.

He shakes his head. "I thought you were over that, it's stupid. Starving yourself."

"Well, sometimes I just can't help it!" I snap at him.

He just nods, "I thought you were over it the whole Rora-thing too," he says quietly.

That was it, what the hell did he think would happen? Of course I wasn't over it! "Tell me, James. Why do you do this? Why are you still with her?" I ask. I wasn't going to bring up the ring yet, I just wasn't that strong.

"I don't know."

I raise my eyebrows. "You don't know?"

"Why do you fuck Lorcan Scamander?" he asks with a shrug.

I snort. "There's a difference though, which one of us are you fucking? And which one of us are you loving?"

He lifts his hand to my jaw and grips tightly. "Look Lee," he says in a hiss, "I'm doing both to you!"

"Then what the hell is Rora?" I say while jerking my head back and out of his hand. "Because for some fucked up reason you're still with her! WITH A RING!" I end up shouting.

His jaw goes slack and I see the blood drain out of his face. "I needed a reason to stop seeing you," he whispers.

I will my tears to go away; I pray that they won't appear. "If you still wanted to see me, you'd see me. Ring or not."

"I haven't given the ring."

My eyes widen. "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU HAVENT!"

"I haven't given it because I don't want to," he mumbles. I stand there in shock.

"What does that mean?"

His hands reach up again and slowly trace the outline of my shoulders. "You have to eat."

I shove his hands off me, "Don't do that!" I spit at him, I throw my arm out and I give him a swift slap in the face. "Don't touch me then run back to her."

Oh no, he didn't like that did he?

His eyes widen and I can practically see the vein pulsing on his neck. It was like slow motion, his jaw tightened and his muscled arm moved slowly and gracefully through the air. As it sliced through the harsh wind his hand eased and opened up fully. The tips of his fingers in perfect position for its target.

My jaw.

And even though this was all happening in slow motion, I seemed to be moving even slower. Because as his heavy blow hit my face, I couldn't move at all.

It was an interesting feeling that slap, it was familiar, and sure it hurt, but a part of me begged that he'd do it again.

No matter how hard he tried to deny that he was this particular person, this one swift hit showed both of us that he was.

Instinctively my hand shot to my own face and I stared in awe as he huffed and puffed, shaking out is hand and becoming a jittery mess. As soon as I touched where he hit I noticed that I could taste blood and my face was starting to swell.

My eye was aching. He had a big hand.

"Don't you ever," he started; the sound of his shaking was running through his words, "Ever, tell me what to do again! You can't fucking get off coming here AND TELL ME WHAT TO DO WHEN IT'S ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!" he shouted at the end.

He takes a step closer but I don't move. "You prove yourself wrong all the time James!" I say as I punch at his chest again, "CAN'T SHE FUCKING SEE WHAT YOU REALLY ARE?" every word hurt my jaw.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

He sighs and grabs my wrists. I hope he knew he was cutting off my circulation. "I don't like hurting you Lee, but fuck me if you don't make me want to smash you and love you at the same time," he says as he shoves my wrists behind my back and forcefully kisses my neck.

I squirm under his kiss and I lift my leg to try and knee him, my left foot flailing at his shins but his tongue forces into my mouth. "GET AWAY!" I yell but it just makes him laugh against my lips.

His hands push my wrists together behind me and I feel my shoulders click. "I can get rougher. You know that," he tells me.

I ease up and I let him kiss me until I know he's about to give up and my teeth bite down hard on his lower lip and tugs. He just lets it happen, choosing not to fight back.

We stand there glaring at each other but his eyes betray him. I wipe away blood from my lips as he does the same. I need air, I need fucking oxygen.

I need my arms to stop aching.

"You're bleeding," I tell him as I swear I can see his lip swelling in front of my eyes.

He shrugs as he licks it. "So are you."

"I hate you," I mumble, not convincing him or myself in the fucking slightest.

He grips on to his hair. "We've tried this before, Lee. It never worked out, never has, never will."

I feel like falling onto the ground and giving up on everything, but he'd win then wouldn't he? "Just fuck up for a second will you?" I snap, trying to grab even the tiniest bit of sanity I had left.

He pulls on his hair again and shrieks into the air but even that wasn't enough for him. He takes another step towards me and grabs onto a hand full of my own hair, pulling back my head forcefully and clicking my neck at the same time, "FUCK!" He yells in my face. With his free hand he grabs my bicep and pulls me closer to him, nails digging into my skin.

He was losing so much.

I stare into his eyes and it was hard to ignore how much anger he held. We just stood there in our bubble of anger, unable to get out. No words needed to say how much we fucked each other off to the point of dying.

His hand was so tight against my arm I knew it would bruise and that annoyed me. I spat in his face.

He let go only to wipe it off him, "It's me or Rora. Nothing in between, James."

"You're fucking Scamander, Lesath."

"I'm well aware of that."

He looks at me as he rolls his eyes, "And that should be enough reason to stop loving you. I bought a fucking ring for Rora and that should be enough reason to stop seeing you. But it's not," he looks as though he's about to grab me but he lowers his hands. "Because I've never loved and hated someone so much that it makes me want to fucking kill myself."

I shake my head, not wanting to hear this, I didn't want to know about his love and other fucked up unnecessary things he had for me. "Please…" I say as I run a nervous hand through my hair. Gently rubbing places to stop my head from hurting.

He snorts. "You're crazy you know, fucked up in so many ways and I HATE IT!" he shouts. "But I can't live without you. Don't make me do it. I can't. I'll die."

Guilt.

I throw my hands up in the air. "Don't do this to me again James. Don't do it."

"I'll die," he murmurs.

He collapses on the grass and place is head against me. "Stop it," I tell his as I stroke his hair back, he groaned against me and I thought I could hear him crying.

He looks up. "I need you."

_He stood in the door way blocking the only fucking way out of this room excluding the damn window. "Let me out," I say sternly._

_He pushes me roughly. "No. You're staying." _

_I try and reach for the handle but I can't. He wasn't going to fucking trap me in his house for-fucking-ever. "I'll apparate!" I threaten him, knowing it was a weak threat._

_He laughs. "Good luck with that."_

_I look over at his mirror and see my ripped up face. How was I going to explain this to my parents? My lips were both split._

_And he said he liked the look of my swelling face._

_I make it to the wall but his hands find my throat and clench. "DON'T YOU FUCKING LEAVE OR I'LL COME AND FIND YOU!"_

"_James, let me go."_

_He whimpered as I ran my hand across his stomach. "Please. Let me make it up to you."_

_I shook my head. "FUCKING LET ME OUT!"_

_He slammed his fist into the door. "YOU'RE NOT LEAVING ME HERE ALONE LESATH! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME!" he shouts._

_I punch him in the stomach but I know it's done nothing. Especially when he's this angry. "I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE! ALL I DID WAS MENTION QUENTIN'S NAME AND YOU GO CRAZY!" I shout back. "You're fucking crazy you know."_

_He starts shaking violently. His hand beating and beating the door. Blood flowing steadily now and on to the clean, fresh, white carpet. "I can't stay here knowing that you're angry. Knowing that you think I'm the reason why they're dead."_

_He was crazy and irrational. I didn't think it was him that got them killed._

_It was the both of us._

_It was our families._

_I can't keep a sob from racking through my body and I can't keep him from letting me out._

"_If you leave here and I know you're angry, I don't know what I'll do to myself Lee."_

"_Shush," I tell him while rubbing my temples._

_He nods as he edges closer to me. "I'll do it. I'll end up hurting myself. I'm not strong like you."_

"_Shut up," I mumble._

_The guilt hurt me, knowing that I'd said something to set him off. He always blames himself for Kaya and Quentin dying. Never blames anyone else._

"_I don't want you to be mad at me."_

"_HOW CAN I NOT WHEN YOU'VE FUCKED MY FACE UP!" I scream, shoving at his chest like the idiot that I am. _

_He lets me keep pushing. "I just got angry, you made me angry," he says quietly. "But I need you. I would have done something bad if you weren't here Lee, I don't even know myself anymore without you." _

_I drop the clothes that I was holding on the ground and I hug him. "You know you mean the world to me don't you?" I say. Each word convinces me that I'm just as fucked up as him._

"_Baby, I love you."_

_And it was true. Who could love a fucked up person like me?_

_A fucked up person like him._

"Get up," I tell him.

He looks vulnerable, something like an easy target. "You won't leave me will you?" he asks.

I sigh. "I won't," I say with a strained voice. "But you have to stop messing with my mind, James."

He nods as he takes my right hand and kisses it softly. "Thank you."

I hold out my hands to him and help him up; once he's standing I hug him. Not sexually, not in a way that tells him that I want him all to myself but in a way that a mother would hug her child.

He sobbed into my shoulder. "I don't know how to fix this. I've pulled you both through for the ride."

I lean back and my hands gently touch his face, I run my thumbs under his eyes and wipe away the tears. I hated seeing him cry. "I don't mind," I lied to him.

"Don't fucking lie to me."

I was never a good liar.

"Don't you ever look at yourself and think about how unhappy you are?" I ask him.

He cringes. "What makes you think I'm not happy?"

Oh my fucking merlin, he's joking right? "You come and see me every time you're lost."

"I've always been lost…" he trails as though he's going to say something else.

I shrug. "But what?" I hiss.

His hand reaches out to touch the forming bruises on my arm, he traces the shapes and I shudder under his touch. "But I always had you."

"That's not a good thing."

"It is when you make me feel normal. We're fucked up together."

I shake my head, not able to fit all this in. "What do you want James? Once you know that you won't be so messed. You have to know what you want."

"I _need_ you." He says, "And I've tried this with Rora but it's just not fucking right! I've tried so fucking hard to make something out of nothing and it's just not working because you!" he says shoving his finger against my chest, "Fuck me over! How is it that one fucking girl can turn my entire being upside down? How is it that I fucking rely on one person to keep me breathing every fucking day? I wake up in the bloody morning because I know that you're doing the same thing! I come to work because I know that you're going to go to work! And I lie down in my fucking sham of a bed knowing that somewhere in that giant house of yours you're about to fucking lie down in your bed and sleep through the same fucking night as me!" he vents.

He loved me, he always had.

And he's given up on the fight, knowing full well that I won.

I always won.

I loved him so much, he chose not to see that and now he fucking knows that I was the only one that loved him for him. He could continue on his fucked up journey down deception lane but he wasn't going to go far. "I-I-I," is all I can squeeze out.

He laughs without humour, "And you know what? I fucking hate trying to please everyone. I hate that my parents say I'm calmer and Rora says I'm such a nice and happy guy. Because I'm not! I'm just one fucking great actor!"

"What are you going to do?" I whisper.

He shrugs as he wipes his face. "I don't know, because every single fucking day will be like this, fucked up and torture. But it'll be worth it," he says with a sadistic smile.

I stare at him confused. "Why?"

"Because I'll be with you. And everything will be alright."

"_Eat."_

_I scowl at him. "I'm not hungry."_

"_Yes you are, it's ice-cream. And I know you're hungry. And you will eat, you know why?" he says confidently._

_I didn't like all this confidence. "Why?" I ask._

_He smirks. "Because I dumped her."_

_I widen my eyes in shock. Bullshit, he wouldn't have dumped her. She was the one he'd been working all through third year for… after Kaya denied him the first time of course. Jessica was the next in line. "Why?"_

_He rolled his eyes. "If it meant you'd stop starving yourself…"_

_Oh I see, the guilt trip. "Fuck off," I say and I hack into the ice-cream._

_He looked at me with concern but I knew it would just be a matter of time before he'd be with someone again. Probably Kaya as I heard through the school that she was going to say yes any day now. "Anyone ever told you it's not healthy to hurt yourself because of someone else?"_

_I shrug as I let the vanilla slide down my throat. Of course I had, I knew it wasn't healthy but I couldn't help it. I was just that stubborn. "Could have told you the same thing yesterday when you punched that tree…" I say._

_He knits his eyebrows together, "Well I was pissed off. I didn't like seeing you so damn skinny."_

"_Blah-blah. Won't you feel lonely? I know you don't like to go too long without a warm body to comfort you," I tease._

_Truth was I wanted him all to myself. James wasn't James when he was around others._

_He shakes his head, "No, I'll be right."_

_I look at him suspiciously. "Why?"_

"_Because I'll be with you. And everything will be alright."_

_I suddenly felt hungrier. I knew how to keep him._

_And I didn't know if that was dangerous or not._

"_Just eat, Lesath. It makes me happy," he says with a grin._

"_Ok," I say through licks._

_He sighs. "Don't take this the wrong way, but you always have a way of getting what you want. And you don't care who you hurt on the way."_

"_Do you have a problem with that?" I snap._

_He laughs, "No, because you're worth it."_

We were dangerous. And even with his latest confessions I still wasn't sold.

Maybe this could get worse.

Maybe this could get great.

Or maybe we'd just crash and burn like every other time.

Either way, we both knew, if we needed to get our point across to each other all we had to do was hurt ourselves, which wasn't so bad because we found pleasure in it.

"Do you want to eat?" he asks me.

I lean forward, burying myself in the crook of his neck. "Yeah."

* * *

><p><strong>(AN) Believe it or not, happy days are coming for them :)**

**By the way, updates may take longer. I'm seven months pregnant and dying :/ swollen ankles etc. SUCKS!**


	7. Chapter Seven

_This woman's work, this woman's worth, oh it's hard on a man._

I still don't own Harry Potter, let me know when I do.

* * *

><p>I had let her go then I wallowed in my dungeon for days, I'm not sure how many days it was, it could have been weeks.<p>

I half expected Mum to come and pull me out of my dungeon but I was lucky enough to have a little brother called Al who fed me through a gap in the door, I didn't want to communicate the shitty outside everything was just grey and gross.

"Get out of that room!" Rose yelled at me through the door.

"Like fuck I will!" I yelled back.

I could yell too, I had a set of lungs on me, I may not be Rose loud but I was definitely Weasley loud, that was something I got from my Mum. I wasn't Potter quiet like my Dad.

"No, seriously James, get the hell out! Kevin's here to pick you up for training, you guys have Ballycastle this weekend you twat!"

Oh fuck, not a training session, I couldn't do it. I physically could not do it. I didn't have the energy. When was the last time I actually ate something more than biscuits? I had been living off Cameo Creams and as much as I loved them and possibly even the Owl liked them, it wasn't really something you could live off for the rest of your life was it?

I have this really strong urge to tell Rose to fuck off back to her own house but I hold it back because if Scorpius was there he'd try his best to man up to me or if my nephew Cae was there, I just would not like to swear in front of his teeny tiny ears.

This time I hear someone heavy walking down the hallway and I know it's Kevin, "Tell the coach I'm not going in today, Mate."

Kevin has a booming laugh and it really pisses me off, "Not a chance James, you're coming the fuck in."

"Like fuck I am!" I shout back.

I pick up the bottle of Firewhiskey next to me and take another skull, they can't make me go to training if I'm piss drunk, right?

I don't know if hours or minutes go by but I know I'm left alone.

I don't know if Rora left me, or I left her?

Even with all the Firewhiskey in me, it was actually quite clear what happened and even though I was pretending like I didn't know, I knew exactly what happened.

I told her straight – I don't love her, I love Lesath.

Lesath Aubrey Malfoy.

Finally I got over this weird stage fright I had. Loving Lesath Malfoy isn't bad. I shouldn't be ashamed of it, right?

I felt like it was forbidden.

I was invincible though; I am James Sirius Potter, youngest Gryffindor Seeker, youngest professional seeker in Britain.

Son of the Great Harry Potter.

As if that ever made me feel better.

Dad had given up on me on my first day locked in my room, there's only so much effort Dad puts into me, he'd rather waste his time checking Lily's school reports or Al's latest efforts of trying to get into the Care of Magical Creatures department at the Ministry.

That shit wasn't a real job, he only had to go into work twice a week and he got paid the same as a fulltime working person, how does that work?

And Rora went back to her drugged up boyfriend. I just had to chuck that in.

"James, get out now!" Dad yells, "Like immediately! I'm serious, Son, get out of there!"

I just stare at the door, I don't know what to do.

I'm so drunk I don't even know why I'm still in this stupid small room. I dumped her, I should be out there, partying, finding eager chicks and drinking all my money away.

I should be finding Lesath and telling her I finally found the balls to decide what I really wanted to do in my cheap life and that was to be with her.

So really, I didn't need the eager girls because I'm really fucking hoping that she wants to be the eager girl.

Creamy thighs spread and mouth open and willing.

Dad flicks my door open and that's why I should have attended Charms more often, so I could learn how to lock a door that even Mr HP himself can't unlock.

None of this _Alohamora_ shit.

"Get up off the ground, chuck that stale bottle of cheap firewhiskey out and have a bloody shower, boy!"

I just nod and do what he says, better to listen to Dad then listen to him go on about how I'm borderline an alcoholic.

"I've always hated March," I mutter looking at my calendar.

Dad looks at me with disgust, "It's May, James. Where the hell have you been? Living in the Whomping Willow, must have been fun in there!" Dad says sarcastically.

Such a funny guy, "Oh ha-ha!" I say while walking past him.

"Look, Son, I know you broke up with Rora and that, but wasn't that what you wanted?"

Yeah, I guess it was.

My problem now is one Lesath Malfoy.

I walk straight into the kitchen, ignoring Al and his brown headed girlfriend who seems like she's always high on life.

Ridiculously happy and enthusiastic, that's what I meant by high on life.

I grab out a couple of slices of bread and toast them. "The problem I face now, Harry, is how do I tell Malfoy that I love her?" I tell him honestly.

Honesty is the best policy.

Dad grabs his head and sighs, "Really, James? Lesath? You're going to do it?"

I nod, "Yeah. Toast?"

Dad sniggers, "Sure, nothing quite like toast made by a drunk who can't even remember the reason he just locked himself up in his room for three days. I'll take jam on that, Sir."

And that right there was where I got my snarkiness from.

I chuck Dad his piece of toast, "I didn't think you would actually make me one."

"Well next time you say yes to toast, I'll remember not to make you any."

Al saunters in his his mistress attached to his arm and Caelum crawling behind him, "They're going to kick you off the team you know, the Cannons can easily find another seeker and you've been MIA for three days. See ya' later," Al says like a girl and he waves at me.

Well that was complete bullshit. They would never get rid of me, they needed me too much. I was their best player.

I wasn't afraid.

"I see you're looking after Cae again, am I right Babysitter's Club?"

Al glares at me. "I'll have you know that if I wasn't available to look after him everyday, then Rose would be screwed or she'd have to dish out the big bucks to pay for daycare!"

I stand up and get ready to Apparate. "I'm off to confess my love for Malfoy," I say and I'm about to take off.

"Son!" Dad shouts, "Go and have a shower, bloody hell. What were you thinking?"

What was I thinking? Nothing, because I just wanted to go and do this, I have never in my life felt more liberated. I take off to go to the shower, I guess I had better do that.

Al just stands there and gawks at me, "Dad, is he serious? Is he really going to try and get Lesath?"

Dad just keeps reading the paper, "He's James, Al. What do you expect? We could never keep that one on a leash."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

My mind clears up after the shower and after the sickly tug of apparating. I stand out the front of Malfoy Manor and my stomach starts to turn.

The fresh air stings a bit and I feel a little lost not knowing the way around Malfoy Manor in broad daylight. Only have I seen this place in the dark from countless nights of sneaking around and the fact that I usually sneak in through the back door.

This place is huge and I wonder if Rose stares at these same doors confused at home eerie and scary it is.

The vines wrapped around concrete gargoyles is not attractive. +

I head to the front door, about to knock on them for the first time ever and I think, is an elf going to answer? Will Lee answer? Will her Dad answer?

Who had a fucking clue? Because I didn't.

If it was Lee I had this vision that I'd just sweep her off her feet and kiss her maybe even get down on the ground and tell her how much I needed her and that I wanted to make her my girlfriend.

Maybe one day she'd call herself Mrs Potter? I hadn't thought that far yet.

I wanted to play one more season of Quidditch, earn enough money to buy us our house on the beach and fuck and drink all day.

I just really needed her.

Her red swollen lips, her creamy skin, her perfect swell of her tits and her long, blonde hair.

It was going to be all mine as soon as I knocked on that door.

I didn't know how long I had been standing outside those doors or if anyone had been watching me but it was time for me to hurry up and make the first move.

I start knocking and I feel as though my chest was tightening like one of those illnesses Aunt Hermione describes as a heart attack.

Someone swings the door open and I immediately know that face. It was similar to the one I loved.

But hey, let's face it, not as good looking. "Hello, James... How can I help you?" says Astoria.

I put on my best grin and hold out my hand, "Hey Astoria, nice to see you again, is Lee home?" I ask.

Astoria smiles back and shakes my hand while opening the door wider for me. "Yes, she's upstairs, I'll show you up."

I hold back a smirk, I know where her room was. I knew damn well.

I knew her bed like I knew my own, I know where she keeps her lacy knickers and dare I think it?

Vibrator.

I follow Astoria up the stairs and her tight bun bounces on the top of her head as we continue up the flights.

Malfoy Manor was different in the day time. They had a lot of stuff in their house, pictures of Lee and Scorpius when they were little, old racing brooms, bunches of flowers and odd paintings. Stuff that Astoria must have added to the collection of creepy statues and carvings.

I see a familiar door and I was hoping, praying almost that Lee was spread out on the bed like she usually was when I'm in that room.

"Lee," Astoria yells through the door while knocking, "James is here!"

I hear shuffling through the door and a deep sigh, "James who?" Lee replies.

Astoria has a small smile and looks at me, "_James_, James. James Potter."

I hear Lesath bang around near the door then it flicks open, "Oh." She just says while standing there gawking at me.

There was something about that I really hated right now and I was glad to see that Astoria had left.

Lesath stares at me with her hands on her hips, her hair a mess, her tank top was pulled up and her bra looked like it was half way off, she didn't even wear pants just standing there with her Gryffindor red knickers on. "What?" she spits at me.

I hold back I don't even know how many _un_-pleasantries and the urge to swear at her, because I don't know if she knew but it was a fucking mission to be standing here, in front of her, about to tell her the things she had been longing to hear and all she can do is ask me what the fuck it was that I wanted?!

I instead force a smile onto my face and brush the hair out of my eyes, "Hello, Lee."

She shrugs at me looking at me like I'm stupid. "What do you want, James?" and I notice she holds the door closed half way.

As if the bitch was hiding something from me.

I try to look around her but she continues to stare at me, I feel like running away, I wasn't cut out for this I only had so much confidence and right now it was running out. I grip my wand in my pocket. Would it make a difference if I just apparated home on the spot?

Lesath didn't want me to be here, I could feel that as clearly as I could feel her steady breathing in front of me or I could see her pulse pumping in her neck.

She goes to shut the door on me and I manage to stop it with my foot, "Lee, I want to talk."

She rolls her eyes at me, "About what, James? I'm actually busy right now."

I can still hear shuffling in her room. "I dumped Rora."

That stopped her.

She held her chin tensely and grinded her teeth together a bit, her soft red lips got caught between her teeth and she tilted her head back, "What?"

I start nodding furiously, "Yes, Lee, I did it for you!"

Lee starts shaking her head now, "No, no you didn't. You did it for yourself, James, don't be so condescending."

I feel like ripping my hair out, I feel like shaking the girl in front of me. I just feel like screaming, was she that dumb?

How many times have I ended up here confessing my love for her just to turn around and spit in my face? How many times have I begged for her to be with me just for her to push me away?

And then, for once, I have someone that I wanted to be with but then _she_ got in the way.

I couldn't love any one else when Lesath was standing right in front of me.

I shove the door open, I know there's someone in there.

There's always someone in there.

Lee still won't move out the way and she forcefully grabs my chin, her long black nails threatening to draw blood from my cheeks, "Get out James!" she hisses.

I keep pushing her out of my way. "Where the fuck is he?"

Then I hear it, the crack of someone disapparating. Another person with blonde hair and pale skin.

"Lorcan fucking Scamander? You're fucking Scamander, today of all days!" I spit at her.

I run up to her window, maybe I could see him on the road? But he must have apparated all the way home.

I hear her come up behind me and grip my shoulder forcefully so I would spin around to look at her, I follow her lead and then before I know it I feel the sharp sting of someone slapping me across the face, "'_Today of all days?_'! What the hell do you mean by that?"

"I left Rora, Lee! I finally fucking left her because I couldn't escape you! I needed you! Then I arrive here and you're fucking Lorcan?!"

She laughs without humour and sits down at her desk, rummaging around for a cigarette I presume and she lights it with her wand, taking a long drag back and exhaling before rubbing her temples. "You finally did it?"

I rub my face, so now she wants to pretend that the Ice Queen knows how to keep calm. I feel my face and a slight welt from where her nails struck. "Yes, I did Lee and I wanted to come here. To be with you. To give it a fucking shot for once because if we don't try now, we never will."

I sigh and walk up to her slowly, holding my hands up so she can see I just want to talk.

"I don't want to be that guy who tells his kids about someone he let go long ago. I don't want to be someone when someone asks me who the love of my life is I have to point to someone who isn't you and I fucking desperatly want it to be. I don't want someone who's like a dead fish when I'm fucking them," I hear her giggle at the last part, "See, I knew you'd think that was funny but it could seriously be our reality, Lee! I just want you."

Lesath keeps looking down, never matching my gaze and I pray to Merlin she says something,. Something that will make me feel as though this trip was worth it.

Lee flicks the ash of her smoke on the ground and shakes her head, "James, it's too late."

I fall to my knees in front of her, burying my face in her thighs and inhaling before I feel like my eyes might start crying in her lap, "Please, don't say that, Lee." I beg.

She starts stroking my head and I can feel her body shaking, "No, James, I can't do this anymore. It's too much for me. It hurts me."

Was this because of the way I treated her? I could stop the hitting, the arguing, the anger, I could stop it if she just let me be with her.

All that, it was because I wasn't with her. I was angry and bitter because she didn't want to be mine. If she just gave me a chance, I would change.

I start sobbing in her lap now, clinging on to the fleshy part of her hips, bringing my face in closer to her, I wanted to be in her, I needed to be paqrt of her.

If only she let me.

I looked up at her, "It's because I hurt you isn't it?" I say quietly.

She leaned into me and wiped my tears away with her wrists. "Don't James, it's not that."

"I hit you last time, is that why you won't give me a chance? I can change." I beg.

Lee smiles at me but I see a stream of tears coming from her deep, grey eyes. "No, it's not the hitting."

I clench on harder to her hips, "Then WHY?!" I shout.

Lee tangles her hands in my hair and pulls my head up to look at her, "Because, _James_," she starts. "I don't want this to be a game to you any more, Ok? If I was crazy enough to listen to your fucked up lies, then sure, I would be with you right now, possibly even fucking you on the bed, but I'm not stupid! You'll choose me until another stupid girl comes along wit longer legs and even longer hair and you'll leave me again. To be alone again and to be pulled around by you again, so excuse me if I'm just trying to be fucking strong for once!"

How many times did I have to beg her? How many times did I have to explain, I wouldn't do that to her anymore?

I thought that by now, she'd know that she was the one I wanted.

"How many times did I let Rora down to be with you?" I whispered, pulling my head out of grip.

She just shrugged and lit another smoke.

I stood up in front of her, "How many times did I have sex with you, over and over again, telling you that I loved you and then I went back to Rora?"

Lesath nods, "That's right, coming here for your sex fix then fucking off to your girlfriend!"

"SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!"

She starts laughing again and stands up, slowly walking towards me and then she claws at my chest, trying to reach my face so she can slap me again, "I don't care _what_ she is! But I'm not falling for this, James!"

I grab her flailing arms and try to restrain her, her cries were piercing and her body shook all over as if she was in pain. "Why do you do this to me, James?" she sobs.

I just pull her closer and the harder I pull, the less she tries to fight me. "I'm sorry, baby."

She shakes even more, "James, why do you do this?"

"I'm sorry baby," I repeat quietly.

She eases up and I slowly make my way to her bed with her in my arms. I lay her down and lay down beside her. Slowly. Slowly I rub her back and stroke her hair, "Lee, I just wanted you to know that I finally did what we wanted. That was all."

Lee keeps crying quietly and I continue to softly comfort her.

If this was our last day on this earth, would I be happy?

I think about this as Lee starts to calm down.

Yeah, I would be. Because a bad day with Lesath was better than a million good days with someone else.

"Please don't leave, James," she whispers.

And that was good enough for me.

_Lee laid with me at the lake, the day was hot and Summer was coming closer by the day, "What if they don't choose me, Lee? I don't want to be the only seventeen year old git at the trials."_

_Lee threw her hand at me, "If the Cannons don't choose you, James, they'll just be idiots, besides you got a call up from Ballycastle as well. They're shit, but it's a start isn't it?"_

_That's what I loved about Lee, she always knew how to make me feel better. "Thanks, Lee."_

"_What for?" she laughed, "It's the truth, isn't it? How many guys your age can honestly say they've had two call ups from the best teams in Britain?"_

"_None," I say. _

_Lee nods against me, "Exactly so suck it up and stop being a loser, you'll make it somehow."_

"_I just don't want Viktor Krum's Son trying to outshine me, the idiot speaks with a Bulgarian accent even though he hasn't even visited the place." _

"_Stop worrying, if you don't make it we can always move to the beach like we always wanted to."_

_I sigh, "That's why I need this team, I need to save up the money so we can move out of here."_

_Lee turns to smile at me, "Oh yeah? So we're still moving are we?"_

_Of course we bloody were, "Well, what else did you have in mind? I don't think I can survive another winter in Britain."_

"_I like the snow, I like the cold."_

_I snigger, "Of course you do, you're a Slytherin, you're made for that sort of stuff," I say. _

_I think a bit about our plans, maybe one day we'll do it and we'll run away and maybe one day Lee will actually want to be with me instead of putting it off, "Do you want kids?" I ask her. _

_Lee shrugs, "I don't know, maybe one day when I'm ready. Maybe I'll find someone I love to have them with."_

"_What about me?" I blurt out and I instantly regret it._

_Lee pauses and her silence breaks me. "No, you'll probably want all boys," she says with a nervous laugh._

_I shake my head, "No, I want a girl. And I would name her Shire."_

_She just stays there quiet, not moving, not speaking. Just staring at the sky._

_I knew I shouldn't have said those things, that was just another reason for her to be distant to me. _

"_Lee?" I say stupidly. _

"_Who knows?" she says, "Maybe we will end up being that sort of family. The 'Perfect' one. Or maybe we will still be not made for each other. Only time can tell, right?"_

_She rolls over to kiss me lightly on the lips and then stands up to leave. "Lee..." I say._

_She turns around, "Yes?"_

"_Please don't let this become something weird ok? I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by it, you know, with the kids."_

_Lee just smiles, "I'm not being weird, James, they're kids that don't even exist. And please stop apologise, it doesn't suit you."_

_And she walks away._

_I sit here wishing that she enjoyed talking about the future as much as I did._

* * *

><p><span><strong>Author's Note: <strong>Hello, yes, I am back from after three years of being on hiatus and it's great! In this past three years, I have managed to have 2 more children and I have one on the way so I have come back to writing due to having spare time on my hands. Please, if you are reading this, review. I am at a stage where after having three years worth of break from writing, the reviews encourage me to keep writing and lack of review makes me want to stop again and focus my energy else where, so if you read, take a few seconds out of your time just to say whether you liked it or not.

I have updated my two stories, **_The Rough Times of one Rose Genevra Jean Weasley_** and also **_The Short Stories of Scorpius Malfoy._**

I am also after a Beta reader. Mostly for my story **_The Rough Times of One Rose Genevra Jean Weasley. _**But you must also want to be the Beta for all my stories as I will be updating them more regularly too. So if you have an interest in doing this, please either review and say you're interested or PM me.

Love you all,

Cara xx.


	8. Chapter Eight

_Pressure's on me but the seed has grown, I can't make it on my own_

* * *

><p>Lorcan.<p>

James.

Lorcan.

James.

Lorcan, James, Lorcan, James. That's all that flowed through my stupid head. I have never hated myself so much. I didn't think I could even muster a slight hate towards myself, yet here I am.

James had come to my house. Messed up what little I had left in me, embarrassed me in front of Scamander; though I don't think that truly matters to me. Scamander can barely keep two words in his mind at once, so the little debacle we had with James doesn't matter. Not in front of him anyway.

But he came into my house, ruined the little pride I had left in me, told me he loved me; he had left Rora and her daughter, he didn't want them any more.

But he needed me. He wanted to be an exclusive couple, one of those couples who spend the days together and even the nights. They share the same meals, they leave in the mornings for work, just to come home in the night; they share the same bed.

I guess it's what they call a _normal_ relationship.

I struggled to keep what he was saying in my mind. I was never a dumb girl, I wasn't stupid, I could tell a lie from a truth probably better than most. That's a skill that is acquired when you spend a lot of time with James Sirius Potter.

Though he was quite adamant when he came to my house, trashed my room and swore he wanted me, that he was serious this time. No underlying lies.

I don't know what I am doing here. Looking through this nice house, modern houses, homely houses.

Ginny Potter stands in front of me and walks around the room with her arm out. "I don't think I like the fireplace being there. It's like you walk in and bam! You're hit with the fireplace."

James shrugs. "I don't like this house, Mum. I like the one closer to you guys and Uncle Ron."

Ginny disagrees. "No, I don't want you guys too close to us or it will be like you had never moved out. No offence, Lee."

I wanted to say that there is no offence taken, but I don't think I can register all this and reply to her.

I have never really had an opinion on Ginny Potter. She has always been heavily involved in Magical Sports, but I haven't really seen her around. She is always a bit short with people, a bit harsh at times and more of a friend to her kids rather than a Mother. But right now she is one of the most heavily involved people in my life.

I go to sit outside the empty house to get away from the stress. I didn't feel well.

I hadn't felt _well_ in months.

I didn't ever think that I would be searching houses with James Potter, it didn't matter how many times he had got me drunk and swore he'd buy a house with me. One on the beach with a shit load of Firewhiskey and several dogs. This may not be on the beach or anywhere warm, but it was still a home. It wasn't something that I believed would happen.

The speed at which these last moments in my life flew by astounded me. How quickly James and I went from an abusive mess to domestic bliss.

Step one was filled with ignorant bliss. You do end up teaching yourself to only believe what you want. Well, I didn't want to believe that it had been close to four periods that never arrived. Like my Mother, mine weren't as regular and on point as most girls are, but that is not to say that it never came. Mine did not come this time round.

A scared trip to the Apothecary was made, I had to travel to Muggle London to visit a Chemist and I bought four tests in total. Four positive tests, no period. Well, I may be blonde with a pretty face but you have to be dumber than a Bludger to not figure that one out.

James still begged me to be with him, I continued to refuse. Molly, his cousin got married and James was still following me around like a lost puppy trying to get my attention. He thought maybe saying a very dark speech at Molly's reception might prove a point, but it actually just made me more terrified.

But I couldn't tell him about the baby. Not when Lorcan was sleeping with me too. I tried to hold it off, I tried to ignore him at the wedding but he was insistent. That night I couldn't keep it from him anymore.

"_Lee, you're pregnant?"_

_I cried against him, wanting so badly to push him off me, away from me. I don't know who was not worthy of touching who. Was he not worthy of touching me? Or was I not worthy of touching him? _

"_Yes, I'm fucking pregnant, James. And I don't know what to do."_

_James shook against me, his whole body shook and I was sure it was from terror. "Lee, we can make this work, it's ok," he said quietly. _

_I sobbed even harder. Once I told him he would never forgive me. He'd grab me, throw me, spit at me. His anger would take over me. "No, we can't, James I really fucked up."_

_James moved away from me and looked me deep in the eye. "No matter what has happened, Lee, I would never leave you."_

_I laughed in his face, they were just words, he can say them now but once I tell him the horrible thing that has happened there would be turning back. He'd leave me, leave me here alone to be with a child that never stood a chance. He would hate my very existence. Loathe the child and want to kill Scamander. "It's not the normal fuck up Potter, this is so serious."_

_James glares at me now and sits down on the couch behind us. I don't know if I feel so comfortable with sitting down next to him. James is as unpredictable as a fire, out of control, spreading throughout as quickly as possible. I don't know if I can relax under these circumstances. "Fuck, Lee, what have you done?"_

_I take a deep breath, being honest had to be something I was willing to try with James. I couldn't deny that I needed to be a better person so here I was being as truthful as I could. "I don't know who's the father of the baby, James. You? Or Lorcan?" _

_I felt a scream rattle it's way through my body though I never voiced it. My perfect nails, scratching into the furniture, my shaking body wanting to throw itself at James. But my mind was perfectly still, not wanting to talk or move. _

_I was too scared to make a move when James is in the room. _

_James stands up again, hands tangled and caught up in his hair, he was pulling firmly, "Fuck Lee!" he screamed, "FUCK! WHY?!"_

_I shivered in my spot, clinging onto my dress. A party dress. A fucking party dress and here I am sitting in front of James telling him I was having a child. "I'm so sorry, James."_

_He shook his head over and over. "No, no, no, my Lee isn't pregnant to Lorcan, no it can't fucking be," he said quietly to himself. _

_I wanted to stand up, to hold him. To say that we were going to be a fucking normal family or whatever that was. I wanted to be the happy girl who told her love that they were finally starting a family. _

_Instead I was a Malfoy telling a Potter I was pregnant but not quite sure who to._

_I needed to grow a spine, to grow some balls, to get the guts. I wasn't the arrogant Malfoy I used to be. The woman of superiority._

_I haven't been that person in weeks. _

_I was just a useless girl, a stupid one at that. _

_He bent down at me and gripped my shoulders, I wanted to fight to be free. "Why did you do this to me?"_

_I pushed him out of my way and stood up. I wasn't going to let him talk down at me. "I didn't _do_ this to you James, fucking hell, do you honestly think I would go out and _fuck_ Scamander to get pregnant on purpose? If you believe that, you don't fucking know me at all!" I spat at him. I threw my fists at his chest and clawed at him, trying to get my anger out. "You don't have to be here, James. You don't have to be with me. This is exactly why I didn't want you to come crawling back to me from Rora- because I don't want you to suffer through this with me – I don't know if Scamander is the father, I'm seriously considering a paternity test to clear things up. But I fucking told you about this pregnancy not due to me wanting you to be the father but just put of respect. The respect I have for you. Not because you have some sort of entitlement over me!" _

_James' hand lifted in the air. Though I should be scared, this movement came as no surprise to me. I closed my eyes as if just waiting for his hand to meet my jaw but instead it moved away and tangled in my hair. His firm hold of my hair yanked my head back and my neck strained against the force he was pulling. He looked in my eyes again, his gaze was cold and still uninviting. I thought about spitting at his face. That would make him let go. But I couldn't do it. He shoved my head away causing me to lose my balance. _

_I collapse on the ground, it was cold. His stare down at me was icy. I had never felt so cold in my life. _

"_How many weeks are you?" he said while staring at me on the floor. _

"_Eight?" I say. I wasn't sure. _

"_Ok," he started. "Well, I guess we have appointments to organise, houses, parents..."_

"_What?" I say while shaking my head. His hand comes down as he offers to get me up. "What are you talking about?"_

_James sighs and runs his hand through his messy black hair. "I don't give a fuck, Lesath. I don't give a fuck about everything in between or what you just said. All I know is regardless of what comes out of this, that baby is mine. You're the Mum, I'm the Dad."_

_I shook my head. "No, James, you don't have to be a father to a kid that's not yours. I won't let you carry that burden! It won't be your blood-" but he cuts me off. _

"_Nothing good comes out of being blood. Sometimes just being there is enough. I don't care about blood, Lesath. That's my baby. I'm the Dad. If you want it otherwise, fucking tell me or I'm going to let this all happen. As my baby." he whispers, "My Dad taught me that."_

I was drawn back to my reality as James approached me, smug smile, obnoxious Chudley Cannons hoodie, denim jeans and his signature Gryffindor Red Chuck Taylor's.

I loved this man with every single inch of my being and yet I was sitting outside alone.

"You didn't like this house?" he asks me.

No I didn't. The fireplace feature that Ginny mentioned did annoy me, if people were to floo to us there wouldn't be much room for a comfortable landing. The bathroom stunk of mould and the kitchen was too big – it's not often that a woman would complain about too much kitchen space but Lesath Malfoy wasn't much of a cook.

James holds his hand out to me and I grab it, heaving myself off the deck seat. "No, I hated it, let's just choose the place near your parents and Rose," I say quietly as he pulls me into his embrace.

He inhales the scent of my hair, feels the material of my dress, lingers further onto my legs and I hear a disapproving gasp from his Mother. "You two hurry up and get over here, we're going!" she says with a small smile.

James holds on to the both of us as we floo back to James' parents home. My make-shift home of the past two months.

People couldn't believe I had actually practically moved in with the Potter's. Main reason being that they couldn't believe a girl like me could live in a house half the size of my parents. The other reason being the common Malfoy and Potter rivalry.

That had fucking ended about twenty years ago anyway.

We end up out the front of the Potter's house and I as we descend from the sky I can see the roof of the house James and I both agreed we wanted.

James shoots inside and Ginny and I take our time moving towards the door. I can't move so fast anyway due to severe cramps that no woman has ever told me about. I hear James already from the outside arguing with Albus and I roll my eyes in annoyance that this is the sort of thing I have to put up with while we're here.

We make it to the front door in silence but before Ginny reaches out to open it she spins to look at me and gestures to sit down on the forms along the decking.

I follow as she points and I sit down. What the hell did she want? "Lee," she starts, "Has there been any progression with that test?"

I am very rarely stuck for words, but when it has come to this last month, James and his parents, I am constantly at a loss for words. I regret opening and closing my mouth as it makes me look unsure. The last thing I needed was for people to hear that Lesath Malfoy was not as confident as she used to be.

I decide yet again that the truth would be the only way to go and I answer. "Yes, we're still waiting on the results," I say quietly. "I don't know how long that will be."

Ginny nods slowly and grimaces. "I don't really know if that is a good idea, Lee."

"Why?"

Ginny takes a deep breath. "We are absolutely... ok... with this situation. We respect that James has made his decision to continue on with you and he wants to be a father and we support every decision he makes. He loves you, he's been about one million times happier since you've been here. What I don't want to see happen, Lesath, is that you and James find out who the biological father is. Let's say it's Lorcan. Do you think James will still be as dedicated to this cause once he finds out the truth? It's easy to be happy when the truth isn't out. But I'm scared James will lose all that's in him now if you tell him Lorcan is truly the father."

Ginny wasn't someone that I found to have a lot to say. She didn't seem like the person who would give me advice. "You want me to not find out?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying." she says. "We won't dislike you, we will always love you for how you've changed James. But I don't think that the right thing to do is to find out who the biological father is. Not if you want to keep things this way between you and James."

I listened to Ginny intently. She was right. "Ok," I say. "I won't say anything."

And I walked inside, wondering how do I keep a lie when I have been trying so hard to tell the truth?

* * *

><p>I felt more comfortable in front of Rose and the Weasley's rather than the Potter's. Lily who was back for a weekend was more than surprised to find me sitting in their comfortable plush lounge suite.<p>

She looked through my clothing, fingering the chiffon and the lace. Something I did not appreciate but I chose to ignore it. I wouldn't be able to fit it all soon anyway.

I leaned as far as I could into the couch when Al and his girlfriend – Xavier if I remember correctly – arrived through Floo and I continued to sit on the couch concentrating on my deep steady breaths. My chest always felt compacted and at times, I couldn't breathe so I had to relax myself as much as possible. It was hard to do when you aren't in the comforts of your own home with your own family but I tried as hard as I possibly could.

"Hi," says Albus' girlfriend, "Are you ok? I mean Rosie would kill me if I didn't ask, you know?"

I took another steady breath and managed to fake a smile. "Thank you," I forced, "I'm fine."

She sits down next to me and even the shift in the couch hurts me and ruins the beat in which I was breathing.

"So," she says with a tone of caution. "You're pregnant huh? I remember when Rose was pregnant... so if you ever need any help, I guess I could help you, you know, since I'm always here too."

I give her a small smile. "Thank you," I say through my teeth, a mixture of not getting along with new people and the pain. "That's great."

Xavier starts fiddling with her fingernails. "So who does yours?" she asks me.

I look at my nails, a plain matte black base with a silver French tip. They weren't anything exciting. "I do them myself."

Her eyes grow big and I lick my teeth to prevent myself from saying anything nasty. "No way!" she exclaims. "They look professionally done."

"I take my time to make myself look good. If my nails were hideous, trust me, they wouldn't stay like that for long."

She continues to look at her nails.

Dinner time came and went, I marvelled at how not even the Potter's used House Elves and how everyone does everything themselves around the house. James had done my washing and I almost made a fool out of myself by looking around to find House Elves. I would have to tell my Mum. She always wanted to get rid of our House Elves though she wouldn't last long without them.

I didn't eat much dinner, I never, ever did. I wasn't a person who particularly liked dinner. Or eating for that matter.

I consider taking a walk to my see my brother now that I only stay around the corner from him but the tiny thing that is growing inside me cripples me and disables me to move far.

James finally tears himself away from his father and brother and comes to spend what seems like normal time with me.

This whole relaxed approach to life was soothing. It was like slinking into a hot bath. Instant relief.

James sat down next to me inflicting the same pain that Xavier did when he sat down, adjusting the comfortable spot I was in. "Come on," he says, "Come into our room, we'll have a movie night."

The offer was very inviting so I tried to get off the couch. "Wow, this is going to be one fucking hideous pregnancy, I can tell."

James shrugs. "I don't think you look fat."

I glare it him. "No you dick, I mean I'm already in a whole lot of pain and I'm only over three months. This can't be right."

James helps me off the couch. "Where do you hurt?" he says with his hand on the small of my back.

I sigh. "Every where! But mostly in my back."

He starts rubbing it and even though it's not making a difference, at least his small and gentle touches are.

We make our way into the bed room. "Do you want to have a shower?" he asks me.

I nod, "Yes."

He collects both his and my stuff, towels, pyjamas my assortment of body washes and cleansers, stuff I couldn't live without.

Once we get into the bathroom, James pops the lid of my bodywash. "I fucking love this smell, it smells just like you."

"I've always used that particular one. Since I was about thirteen."

"I know. You left one in my trunk once. I used to sleep with it under my pillow."

I look at him curiously. It were little things like that that made me feel as though we were adapting to being normal quite easily.

James ran the shower and it was almost burning hot though he knew that's exactly how I liked my showers. He hopped in first and he held out his hand to help me in.

"I don't like how you're weak, Babe. I don't remember Rosie being like this," he said as he put shampoo into his hand.

He started massaging my scalp. "It's ok, James. Everyone handles pregnancy differently. Obviously Weasley's were made for giving birth... your grandmother did have how many kids again?" I say snarkily.

He didn't find my comment funny but he knew I was right. "You'll let me know if anything happens, right?"

"Of course. Mum said in a couple weeks time I should feel better. She was just like this apparently."

James' hands run across my shoulders and down my back, lathering the soap. "Ok." he murmurs but he moves his head to my neck, his tongue quickly moving across my neck. I tap his hand lightly.

"Don't do that," I say quietly. Just unsure if I have the energy to even think about sex at the moment.

He ignores my weak attempt at stopping him and continues to rub my body down.

He lathers up the soap and it was almost as though he next move had been played over and over again, I felt the shock of his soapy hand running firmly over my clit before he had even done it.

I arch my back against his chest, my ass smacking against his hard cock, his hands were perfectly placed. One kept slowly and painfully rubbing my clit and the other teasing my nipple.

I ignore the dull throbbing of my head and try to focus on what James was giving me. My legs spread a little wider while he bit down on my neck, forcefully tugged my nipple, his other hand bringing me to a climax.

I control my breathing, James' grunts and his husky voice echoes in my ear. "Come Lee," he says quietly to me.

My hips start to buck and if I don't sit down soon I'm likely to collapse in this strong climax.

James starts rubbing his cock on my ass and slipping in-between to run along my wet slit, carefully touching the sensitive spot near my clit. Even the slit touch of him sends me wild and I moan as the climax vibrates from my slit through my thighs and through every inch of my body. "Fuck, James," I say as I collapse on his hand.

He keeps me held up and spins me around so I'm facing him, his eyes said it all as they darkened over. He hitches up one of my weak thighs and slams me against the wall. "Don't fucking scream," he says as he painfully slides into me.

I hold back a loud groan, being fucked after a powerful orgasm didn't always work with me, my body was too weak. He forcefully starts kissing me, our teeth clicking together with force and my teeth find his collarbone. Biting down along his collarbone James pumps into me with force. My bare back smacking against the tiles like the sound of a fist meeting a jaw. Raw meat. He grabs my tits and brings them both to his mouth, biting down just as hard as I did. "I'm coming," he said against my chest.

He milks himself into me and stands there quietly meeting my eyes. "I love you," I admit freely to him.

He rests his head on my chest. "I love you too Lee."

James once again slowly cleans me though this time he was much more gentle than before. We got dressed and headed back into James' large room.

His room wasn't as large as mine though it was big enough. A bed set on a platform in the back of the room though centred. There was plenty of space around it. To the right was a rack with several brooms set up on it, his Quidditch robes set out on a special shelf next to the brooms. On the left side of the bed was a desk and funnily enough, a computer. On the lower level where we were standing sat a couch and TV and a wardrobe which I had taken over. I was surprisingly comfortable in this room and I felt relaxed.

James sat on the couch and gestured for me to sit with him while he flicked on the TV, something that had become somewhat of a ritual since I had been staying here. I laid down with my head in his lap and he reached over to feel my stomach. This was the first time he had ever touched it knowingly with a baby in there.

I try not to make it obvious that I'm surprised by this gesture but I look up at him anyway his head looming down on mine. "What?" I say.

He shrugs and keeps flicking through the TV and rubbing my stomach at the same time. "Boy? Or girl?" he asks.

The thought hadn't even crossed my mind until now. There were so many other things to worry about. James, Lorcan, my parents, the Potter's. I didn't have a chance to adjust into the normal way of thinking once a baby is on the cards. This simple yet very touchy question from James confused me. "I don't know."

"Boy. I think it's a boy."

I have a small smile that I kept to myself, not wanting to seem to eager with James' conversation. But I liked it.

Fuck, I _loved_ it.

Knowing that James was the calmest he had ever been, the excitement he was showing due to the baby maybe me slink into an even more comfortable position on the couch with him. "Boy?" I say quietly.

He nods before settling on some movie channel. "Yeah, a boy. I can feel it."

"Oh," I say and I cock an eyebrow, "And how do you know your feeling means a boy?" I say teasingly while giving him a horse bite on the leg.

"Because I have the same feeling I did when Rosebud and your Brother had Caelum," he says with a laugh.

I acknowledge his theory. "Ok."

"Well," he starts, "What about you? What do you think it is?"

I say what truly comes to my heart. "A girl."

"Oh," James says with a smile. "And what would you name her?"

There was only one name I would ever name my daughter. One that James would be more than happy about. "Shire."

"Shire?" he says quietly. "That's my favourite name."

"I know," I reply. "You told me years ago."

"_I've never been fond of children, they really get on my nerves. The pack of them, complete gits! Do you agree?" I ask James Potter. _

_James just shrugged and kept piling pumpkin pasties in his mouth. "I don't know what you're talking about, Malfoy. You're just a kid too!"  
><em>

"_No, Potter. I'm not the kid around here, you are!" _

"_Well, it's not exactly my fault that my parents decided to give birth to a child is it? I wish we came out as adults, life would be so much simpler," he replied and I rolled my eyes at him._

_How did I end up with such a stupid git for a friend?_

"_I can't wait until our first year is over, maybe second year will be better. Hopefully by then everyone would have grown up a bit!" I say to him. _

_He ignores me and keeps eating. "Hey Malfoy, what subject do we have next?"_

"_I don't know, check your time table! I don't think Slytherin have classes with Gryffindor this afternoon, besides, I want to get to the bathrooms before next subject starts, I need to do my hair up again. I hate this weather!" _

_James sniggers at me. "Yeah, because it looks so hideous!" _

_That earns a twack on the hand. "Where's your cousin Lucy? Shouldn't she be following you around?"_

_James shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe." _

"_What do you mean by 'maybe'?" I ask him. _

_James stops walking and looks at me. A sad sort of smile came onto his face but he shook his head and the sadness away. "Don't worry about it, Lee."_

_I stop in my tracks too. That was the first time a person from another house ever called me by my name. It most definitely the first time anyone ever apart from my family had called me by my nickname. "Why did you just call me Lee?"_

_James stuffed more food in his face. "I don't know, I hear your cousins, you know the ones... Liam and Tori? They call you Lee."_

_I huff. "I know my cousins, James. You don't have to tell me who they are."_

"_Well I'm just used to having to differentiate between cousins, ok? I have like six of them here at the moment. When someone tells me something about my cousins, I have to ask which one!"_

"_That's what happens when you have a family larger than two quidditch teams," I say teasingly. _

"_Oh ha-ha. Very funny. It's actually fun having a big family, you know?"_

_I shake my head. "I don't think so."_

"_You have heaps of people to look out for you, you have heaps of friends and mates to hang out with. Doesn't that seem fun to you?"_

_I thought about it. "It does actually... I wouldn't mind having a big family," I admit. _

"_Well, maybe you'll have one of your own one day?"_

"_I hope so," I say quietly. _

"_Who knows, maybe you'll marry a famous Quidditch player who already has a big family."_

_That was my dream. I wished so many times that would happen. "No one wants to marry a Malfoy... And especially when I have a git for a little brother."_

"_If it makes you feel better, I have a git for a little brother too. I try not to let it get to me though or my parents would get all angry at me. They hate it when I tease him."_

"_My parents hate it when I tease Scorpius too."_

_James laughs. "You can't be serious, your brother's name is Scorpius?" he sniggers. _

_I punch him in the arm. "Laugh at my brother one more time and I'll beat the shit out of you!"_

"_I thought you didn't like your little brother," he says confused._

"_Only I'm allowed to tease him, not you."_

"_What's your full name then? It's not something creepy like Scorpius, is it?"_

"_Well," I start, "You're going to laugh at this and I'll let you off this time, but his full name is Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy."_

_We both laugh at my parents choice of my brother's name. "But my name is Lesath Aubrey Malfoy."_

_James nods with approval. "To be honest Malfoy, that's a nice name."_

"_What's yours?" I ask. _

_James raises his eyebrows. "You seriously don't know my name. I thought it was common knowledge."_

_I shook my head. "Nup, don't know it."_

"_James Sirius Potter." _

"_At least that's a better name than your brother Albus. Such a hideous name."_

_James grimaces. "Well I shouldn't expect a Malfoy to like that name with all your Dad did to Albus Dumbledore and all..."_

_I look at him confused and I assume I'm missing a whole chunk of the story thanks to my Dad. "I think you must be speaking about something my Dad doesn't want me to know. He's not very open about the past."_

"_Don't worry about it. But Al's full name is Albus Severus Potter."_

"_I think he's competing with Scorpius for the worst name of all time title."_

_James laughs and we reach our classroom. "Here we are! My least favourite subject, Charms."_

"_James," I say before he opens the door. "Why are you my friend?"_

"_Because, stupid. I like you. And I don't care whatever happened between my Dad and your Dad. That stuff is ancient. You and I can be friends. We can be whatever the hell we want to be."_

Scorpius stood in the lounge room of my new home that I now shared with James. He looked around and I tapped my foot just to piss him off. He hated it when I tapped my foot. "Now how the fuck did you two get to buy a house and Rose and I didn't? Did you get money from Dad? And don't you dare lie to me, Lee," he says while shaking his head.

My nephew Caelum wrapped his arms around his father's leg and babbled on. "Lee!" he says excitedly, "Lee!"

"Aunty Lee," Scorpius corrected.

I sniggered at my brother. "What the hell do you think we do all day, Scorp? Lie around in bed all day? We both have jobs – as you already know – we can in-fact afford things without running back to Mum and Dad... Not like yourself."

Scorpius threw his head back. "Ha! When was the last time I asked Mum and Dad for money, Lee?"

Like that was hard to figure out, my brother was sometimes extremely daft. "Two days ago and for cigarettes."

"You're just jealous because I can smoke and you can't," he nodded his head in the direction of my stomach.

"I'll have you know," I hissed, "That I don't even feel like smoking."

That was the biggest lie. I craved the release, but I was doing quite well to not smoke.

Caelum was running around the empty room, getting into boxes and making a mess. I gritted my teeth. "Scorpius, please control you gremlin."

Scorpius grabbed his Son's arm and pulled him close. "Don't run too fast, Buddy. Aunty Lee will hex you!" he said teasingly and he gave me a wink.

"It's not going to end up a joke if you continue to let him run wild like a Snitch."

Scorpius grabs a smoke out of his robe pocket. "Wanna come outside?" he says while waving the stupid stick in my face.

He reaches for his wand in his denim jeans and I control myself, stopping myself from slapping this git. "No I don't."

"Please, Lee. Just come outside and keep me company."

I follow him slowly, my cramps were getting worse but the shifting of boxes didn't help that since I lost my wand through the mess of the house.

I sat down with Scorpius and watched him light the tip of his cigarette with his wand. "Can I borrow your wand today? My back can't take any more of this Muggle moving shit and James is too busy with the outside of the house."

Scorpius chokes on the smoke. "Are you fucking kidding me? I'm not giving you my wand," he says as he clutches it close to his chest. "Wait until James comes back inside and do the rest of the moving."

I ignore him. "Rub your sister's back, will you?" I said with a laugh.

Scorp leans over and starts rubbing my back in small circles, "Are you ok, Lee?" he asks.

I look at my brother. "This pregnancy shit is getting to me Scorp. I feel like complete shit."

Scorpius knits his eyebrows together. "Well if you keep feeling like shit, you'll tell Dad, right?"

"Sure."

"Tell me honestly, are you enjoying this new life of yours?"

I sigh. "More than you would ever understand, Scorp."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: <strong>Hello all, so you should expect an update every Wednesday if I can, if not I promise to provide an update the following Wednesday. So we're looking at updates either every, or every second Wednesday. On another note, I need a **BETA** for all my stories, I need a companion and I need help. Please offer me this! I beg for a **BETA**! And please do not forget to **REVIEW! I NEED REVIEWS!** And also, if you want, please include in your review what you want to see in this story as I am open for ideas!

- Cara xx


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